The Terror:

As a Twenty-First Century Police Officer, I have a great deal of training in TERRORISM. This has equipped me to approach incidents involving suspicious packages, white powder and bulky jackets with supreme confidence.

Just recently I attended one such incident. A bomb had been discovered in Blandmore, just behind the library. Blandmore being the number-one terrorist target in the UK, this triggered the arrival of the Big Guns, otherwise known as me and my panda car.

I utilised my years of experience to examine the bomb, reporting back that it was indeed an indeterminate metallic object which might well be a bomb, or possibly a bit of scaffolding from the next door building site. My next task was to sit next to the highly explosive pipe for a couple of hours while someone with training in examining bits of metal made their way to my location. This enabled me to do some of the things I joined the police for, namely:

1. Put up lots of Police tape.
2. Say repeatedly, "No, the road's not closed, whatever gave you that idea?"

Unfortunately the company who had called us were unappreciative of my efforts on their behalf, and actually expected us to do something prosaic like evacuate the local area. I tried to explain that in most cases, they would not even have got me, and could have expected a phone-call telling them it was unlikely they were all about to die, but if they wanted to leave the building we wouldn't stop them.

The Suicide Unit arrived in under an hour and invited me to watch as they gave the suspicious article a boot in the side. It did not blow up, which apparently was a good sign. I took down my oodles of tape and left Blandmore reassured for another day.

It only goes to show what a professional lot we are.

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