How to Be Hated:

One of my earliest memories of being a police officer is driving down a street of Council houses and seeing three kids at the side of the road. Two were about 12, one was a little toddler with golden hair. As we drove by, the 12 year olds stuck up their fingers at us and the toddler climbed up onto a garden wall and screamed at the top of his voice, "FUCKING PIGS!"

Maybe I was naive, but I actually could not understand what had just happened. Now I am a seasoned copper with years of malicious torture of innocent prisoners behind me, I understand that being hated by strangers is to be welcomed and is in fact an essential element of being a Twenty-First Century Police Officer.

To which end, here are my top ten tips on how to be hated:

1. Arrest people.
2. Do not arrest people.
   
3. Handcuff people.
4. Say, "I don't believe you sustained that stab wound by tripping on a football."
5. Fail to catch the offender who keyed the side of a car some time last week but was not seen.
6. Fail to bring the investigation to the conclusion the victim wanted.
7. Use blue lights.
8. Fail to use blue lights.
9. Die in the line of duty.
   
10. Use force on people who are violent towards you - we are a civilised society and this is just unacceptable.

Don't forget, some officers are just so polite and accommodating that even the most shocking lapses in their work fail to elicit the hatred of the public. In this case, running up to random people and batoning them usually does the trick.

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