How to Detect Crime:
My top ten TITs for Detectioning:
- There is no need to wait for a phone-call from a member of public before you start generating detections. You can just wander down the street, or even knock on people's doors to make sure they are not being harassed.
- Select which crimes you attend. Far better to spend your time dealing with a twelve-year-old who has stolen his brother's mobile and hit his sister, before pilfering Mars bars from the school tuck shop, than it is to attend burglaries where you have no chance whatsoever of catching the offender.
- Think outside the box: the victim may be telling you that it was just an argument over the telephone bill, but that does not mean you cannot detect a cheeky criminal damage or assault.
- Tell your victims you can record in their statements that they do not want to go to court. Afterwards, inform them that now they have given a statement, they might have to go to court whether they like it or not.
- Generate a crime report for assault, no matter what offence has taken place. As violent crime is a force priority you will be more likely to get someone charged for it.
- If you attend a fight, take statements from everyone watching saying that they personally felt threatened. You will get one detection per victim of affray.
- Instead of arresting and charging people (which can take up to six hours for a simple theft), just report them for summons (which takes twenty seconds). That way you can deal with an indefinite number of shoplifters in a day. Indeed, the shoplifter in question will be free to continue shoplifting as soon as you leave.
- If no one wants to go to court, get them to provide a statement saying that they lied and no crime happened. You can then no-crime the original offence and give them a ticket for wasting police time (ie a detection).
- Don't forget, if CPS decide to drop a case against someone, that doesn't stop you from charging them behind their back. It will be dropped at court but the detection will be on the system under your name.
- If all else fails, go and get inmates out of prison, ply them with alcohol and persuade them you will set them free if they admit all the crime in your neighbourhood. Just don't get caught.
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* Not to be confused with Detecting crime, which does not fall in the remit of the police.