This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Friday, September 15, 2006

By George They've Found Something!

Since the 9th August the Home Office has been funding a humungous search of some woods in High Wycombe. The residents have been getting fed up. I bet the police are too. There is nothing worse than a scene watch which you know has no hope of ending within the next two weeks. In Blandmore, I would be lucky to get relieved in time for Christmas.

Everyone involved will be glad to hear that after a month of sitting on fold-out chairs in the woods, SOMETHING HAS BEEN FOUND!! I can scarcely believe it myself, but here is the proof. Today "suspicious items" were found near the M40, a mere few miles from where the exhaustive search of a small area of woodland has been focussed. It is perhaps a little embarrassing that these items were found by members of public and did not lie within the cordoned off area, but it only goes to show that PC Bloggs' Terrific Investigating Techniques (TITs) have proven themselves yet again.

My TITs:
  • When you attend the scene of a crime, do nothing other than circle the area and arrest the first person you come across. It is better if you do not obtain a description as the witness could well be mistaken and it just narrows down your options of who to arrest. This method is the ONLY way you will ever catch the perpetrator unless the victim knows them.
  • Don't bother with House-to-House enquiries. The neighbour might well have seen or heard something, but if they were willing to give a statement they would have called the police when it happened.
  • Never seize exhibits or call for Scenes of Crime. Nine times out of ten the result will be nil and the one time DNA or fingerprints do lead to identifying someone, you will have to spend months tracking down the baddie and when you come to do the file, you will have to wade through a stack of paperwork relating to fingerprint experts and chemical techniques.
  • Do not give Crime Prevention Advice. It is too late and will only annoy the victim, plus a repeat crime doubles the chance of catching the baddie in action.
  • Do not write your name on any piece of paper relating to the case. That way you will never have to attend court to explain why you didn't do something.
  • Do not tell the victim your name. If pressed, give the name of the Exective In Charge of Emailing at Headquarters (that will serve them right).
  • Sir Ian Blair says that the public should be more responsible for preventing and detecting crime, so once you are finished doing nothing, HAND OVER the entire investigation to a randomly chosen member of the local community. You can then phone them every few hours and leave messages asking why they have not magically produced a result.
In the case of the above terror investigation, the public have come up trumps. Now claim the detection.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright of PC Bloggs.

13 Comments:

Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

I love your TITS!

I think we spend too much time on the internet PC Bloggs!

15 September, 2006 01:19

 
Anonymous Ted said...

Spooky. I am trying to think of any time where an arrest has not either been a person known to the victim or a person arrested close to the scene as the crime happened. And the rest of your TITs are scarily close to the truth as well !!

15 September, 2006 02:58

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is all about 'communities' fighting back isn't it?

15 September, 2006 05:37

 
Blogger Constable Shortman said...

"Do not write your name on any piece of paper relating to the case. That way you will never have to attend court to explain why you didn't do something.
Do not tell the victim your name. If pressed, give the name of the Exective In Charge of Emailing at Headquarters (that will serve them right)."

Im am currently tutoring someone and told them the same advice as above! lol

She didnt understand why I had told her that but after a bit of time she will know why I said it! :)

15 September, 2006 13:11

 
Blogger PC South West said...

Our force has been sending officers to conduct h to h for every single theft from motor vehicle for some months now. And apparantly the closure of "house to house done and is all negative", is not good enough, they want houses visited on the log.
I can safely say that I know not of a single poitive result from this time wasting task. If a member of the public saw someone breaking into a car outside their own house, they would call it in.
Wouldn't they?
Another idea from those sat in ivory towers.

15 September, 2006 17:29

 
Anonymous Ellee said...

I hope the police were suitably red-faced at their lack of detection.

15 September, 2006 18:23

 
Blogger PC South West said...

Without a crystal ball its a little tough. No red faces here

15 September, 2006 18:58

 
Blogger Joe90 said...

Your TITS?

I like them so much, i'd like to experience them first hand, if you get my drift.

15 September, 2006 22:00

 
Blogger PC Bloggs said...

Gosh, a girl can never hear that enough times, Joe90.

16 September, 2006 07:39

 
Anonymous PC Nutter said...

Joe90 if you say that to all the policewomen you meet i'm sure you will get to use the TITs for real in interview!
PS. No one ever says that about my ample man breasts! sexism!

16 September, 2006 09:55

 
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