By George They've Found Something!
Everyone involved will be glad to hear that after a month of sitting on fold-out chairs in the woods, SOMETHING HAS BEEN FOUND!! I can scarcely believe it myself, but here is the proof. Today "suspicious items" were found near the M40, a mere few miles from where the exhaustive search of a small area of woodland has been focussed. It is perhaps a little embarrassing that these items were found by members of public and did not lie within the cordoned off area, but it only goes to show that PC Bloggs' Terrific Investigating Techniques (TITs) have proven themselves yet again.
- When you attend the scene of a crime, do nothing other than circle the area and arrest the first person you come across. It is better if you do not obtain a description as the witness could well be mistaken and it just narrows down your options of who to arrest. This method is the ONLY way you will ever catch the perpetrator unless the victim knows them.
- Don't bother with House-to-House enquiries. The neighbour might well have seen or heard something, but if they were willing to give a statement they would have called the police when it happened.
- Never seize exhibits or call for Scenes of Crime. Nine times out of ten the result will be nil and the one time DNA or fingerprints do lead to identifying someone, you will have to spend months tracking down the baddie and when you come to do the file, you will have to wade through a stack of paperwork relating to fingerprint experts and chemical techniques.
- Do not give Crime Prevention Advice. It is too late and will only annoy the victim, plus a repeat crime doubles the chance of catching the baddie in action.
- Do not write your name on any piece of paper relating to the case. That way you will never have to attend court to explain why you didn't do something.
- Do not tell the victim your name. If pressed, give the name of the Exective In Charge of Emailing at Headquarters (that will serve them right).
- Sir Ian Blair says that the public should be more responsible for preventing and detecting crime, so once you are finished doing nothing, HAND OVER the entire investigation to a randomly chosen member of the local community. You can then phone them every few hours and leave messages asking why they have not magically produced a result.
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