PC Bloggs Investigates... More Chav Culture.

As I travelled by foot through the treacherous backroads of Blandmore town last week, my great burden of standard issue kit weighing me down, I stumbled upon a gathering of three be-hoodied figures. Their names were quickly cycled through the Police National Computer with the result that one figure was uncovered as a dastardly felon, wanted in the far North of England for a most heinous criminal damage against a car. I was excited to identify that this was a prime opportunity for me to observe that most confusing of Chav rituals: The Arrest.

Until the age of fourteen, the average Chav male will accept his arrest in a docile manner. He will shed tears in the back of the police car, say, "Please don't tell my mum", and maybe even apologise. These are all signs that he has not yet been Initiated.

The Initiation occurs on or after his fourteenth birthday, on witnessing a fellow Chav's performance. The next time he is subject to an Arrest, the young offender is ready to spread his Chavly wings and adopt his very own technique.

It begins with some posturing to the onlooking Chavs and Chavettes. "NO WAY AM I BEING ARRESTED!" is the key phrase that should alert you to the onset of the Arrest ritual. If there are non-Chavs looking on, you should expect the mantra, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT!" These phrases usually precede the arrest itself, giving the police officer who may not actually have decided to arrest yet, no option but to go ahead.

As soon as the magic words are spoken, the performance kicks off in all its glory. The object of the Arrest ritual is to see written in the arresting officer's statement, "I have never heard such foul language nor been so personally offended as by this cretin". The officer's mother, female colleague and spouse are ideal targets for the rant. It should be loud enough for the whole street to hear, to maximise the spectacle and achieve the highest chance of attracting a girlfriend. The more minor the offence for which he is being arrested, the bigger the event should be.

The fledgling Chav will physically resist the arrest, wrenching away just hard enough to make it impossible to handcuff him, but keeping it subtle enough that onlookers will be horrified at the police's reaction. If everything has gone to plan, the Chav will now be taken to the floor by seven officers. At this moment he will begin the true performance.

"OW MY HEAD! YOU'RE HURTING ME!" He will be subtly resisting even as he yells. If an officer is reduced to kicking and batoning him in the side to release his arms from their clenched position under his chest, this is a positive sign. A true artist will prompt complaints from members of public at the police brutality.

Once successfully cuffed, the Chav's antics should have attracted a large crowd who can continue to give the police abuse long after he has been carted away. But the ritual does not end with the subject's insertion into a transit van. No, he must now keep up an unceasing tirade of abuse which should last from the moment of ignition until the door to the custody suite is opened. The young male's head should bang relentlessly against the cage, the police driver's personal hygiene, upbringing and accent now all come into play. A talented Chav will be able to keep this up for many hours, in heavy traffic and en route to distant custody blocks.

On arrival comes the climax of the performance. As the Chav is lifted from the cage, he should bear the many signs of headbutting the inside of the van. He will walk docilely into custody, stand before the sergeant wincing with every step and announce,

"Look what the bastards did to me."

The Arrest Ritual is now complete.

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