This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Sunday, September 10, 2006

PC Bloggs Investigates... More Chav Culture.

As I travelled by foot through the treacherous backroads of Blandmore town last week, my great burden of standard issue kit weighing me down, I stumbled upon a gathering of three be-hoodied figures. Their names were quickly cycled through the Police National Computer with the result that one figure was uncovered as a dastardly felon, wanted in the far North of England for a most heinous criminal damage against a car. I was excited to identify that this was a prime opportunity for me to observe that most confusing of Chav rituals: The Arrest.

Until the age of fourteen, the average Chav male will accept his arrest in a docile manner. He will shed tears in the back of the police car, say, "Please don't tell my mum", and maybe even apologise. These are all signs that he has not yet been Initiated.

The Initiation occurs on or after his fourteenth birthday, on witnessing a fellow Chav's performance. The next time he is subject to an Arrest, the young offender is ready to spread his Chavly wings and adopt his very own technique.

It begins with some posturing to the onlooking Chavs and Chavettes. "NO WAY AM I BEING ARRESTED!" is the key phrase that should alert you to the onset of the Arrest ritual. If there are non-Chavs looking on, you should expect the mantra, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT!" These phrases usually precede the arrest itself, giving the police officer who may not actually have decided to arrest yet, no option but to go ahead.

As soon as the magic words are spoken, the performance kicks off in all its glory. The object of the Arrest ritual is to see written in the arresting officer's statement, "I have never heard such foul language nor been so personally offended as by this cretin". The officer's mother, female colleague and spouse are ideal targets for the rant. It should be loud enough for the whole street to hear, to maximise the spectacle and achieve the highest chance of attracting a girlfriend. The more minor the offence for which he is being arrested, the bigger the event should be.

The fledgling Chav will physically resist the arrest, wrenching away just hard enough to make it impossible to handcuff him, but keeping it subtle enough that onlookers will be horrified at the police's reaction. If everything has gone to plan, the Chav will now be taken to the floor by seven officers. At this moment he will begin the true performance.

"OW MY HEAD! YOU'RE HURTING ME!" He will be subtly resisting even as he yells. If an officer is reduced to kicking and batoning him in the side to release his arms from their clenched position under his chest, this is a positive sign. A true artist will prompt complaints from members of public at the police brutality.

Once successfully cuffed, the Chav's antics should have attracted a large crowd who can continue to give the police abuse long after he has been carted away. But the ritual does not end with the subject's insertion into a transit van. No, he must now keep up an unceasing tirade of abuse which should last from the moment of ignition until the door to the custody suite is opened. The young male's head should bang relentlessly against the cage, the police driver's personal hygiene, upbringing and accent now all come into play. A talented Chav will be able to keep this up for many hours, in heavy traffic and en route to distant custody blocks.

On arrival comes the climax of the performance. As the Chav is lifted from the cage, he should bear the many signs of headbutting the inside of the van. He will walk docilely into custody, stand before the sergeant wincing with every step and announce,

"Look what the bastards did to me."

The Arrest Ritual is now complete.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright of PC Bloggs.

11 Comments:

Blogger Smiling assassin said...

Ah, my young apprentice, you have more to learn. The ritual has 'mini' rituals within it, amongst these are the following chants to be recited by the chav;
1. "I bet youz a rozzer coz youz got bullied at school, innit."
2. "I'll take all youz wa*kers on at the same time when we get to the yard", which MUST be followed by wailing "Don't hurt me, I did'nt do nuffink" as you open the door and ask him to step out to be booked into custody.
3. "My old mans a solicitor, youz is goin to get f*cked over this". Interestingly, this chant can only be used when the chav has been drinking a Frascati/cider mix, and the chant is never uttered or even remembered when the chav sobers up. Incredibly, the chav's father does in fact spend a lot of time with criminals, but never in my experience in the capacity of legal advisor.
4. A popular chant after arrest involves using as many words favoured by Tourettes sufferers as possible, combined into one continuous monologue. This is interspaced with maniacal laughing and rocking from side to side in such a fashion that it causes the van to rock violently. True experts of this ritual interspace the rocking with kicking the sides and door of the cage for an added musical percussional effect. This ritual is so effective, I have seen members of the public (non-chav) burst into spontaneous applause as we drive away.

This list is obviously not exhaustive, but should provide further insight into the chav ritual.

10 September, 2006 14:49

 
Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

Having observed this ritual many times I can say that your spot on - this doesnt seem to change whichever chav/chavette it is that your nicking.

I particularly like it when they assault you the fact that it is quite ok, but as soon as you have the biggest fattest copper on the team sit on the twat, he doesnt like being hurt. Funny world hey!

10 September, 2006 16:55

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A favourite rant I heard a few weeks ago by a female chav ( in her 30's I might add) was "You pigs don't f*cking understand.......it's sociology you daft c*nts". Said chav then proceeded to bite my colleague during removal from van so cell insertion was a little bouncier than normal.......

10 September, 2006 18:15

 
Anonymous justcaop said...

Sadly, usually witnessed by members of the public who are harrassed, alarmed and distressed, blaming us for hurting the little dears and asking for the local complaints department phone number.

As extraspecial.... has already said, "Funny old world".

10 September, 2006 18:56

 
Blogger PC South West said...

But we do love it when it all goes a bit pete Tong don't we. Nothing better than getting the old adrenaline pumping as we get hands on. Even better when it's the king of the chavs who we all know will be crying by the time we perform the cell exit. One comment I remember was "DONT YOU F***K YOUR WIFE ANY MORE, THATS BECAUSE I AM F******G HER".
And these twats expect that they don't get hurt in the process.
Good fun for sure.

10 September, 2006 22:07

 
Blogger Bitseach said...

Does that work then? Biffing someone in the side with a baton stops them hugging themselves tightly to avoid cuffing?? Never tried that, just relied on a semi-goose-necky-stylee wrist lock usually. They never teach us anything cool like that at OST in my borough!

11 September, 2006 23:26

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are a number of ways to prevent the last part of the ritual as written here and ensure a faster booking in by dragging said suspect straight to a cell.

12 September, 2006 00:28

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, yes. Nothing better than seeing a chav get taken down by the long arm of the law.

It always amuses me to see a self-professed 'bad man' crying like a little girl.

If you ever get the chance, take a look over on Bebo. That place is full of 15 year old chav 'hard men' who have such a distance for common decency it's unreal.

http://fukpolice.bebo.com is a good place to start.

06 November, 2006 17:21

 
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