This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.


(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Thin on the Ground.

As the numbers of police in Blandmore dwindles to an all-time minimum, I have come up with an excellent solution to this problem:

Stop putting two officers in a unit. This is simple mathematics. If you split up a crew of two, you have two units.

Merge all your police areas into one giant one. Now you only need one Area Commander, one Chief Inspector, one DI.

Civilianise crucial jobs like custody sergeant, gateway sergeant... in fact, most sergeants' posts are dispensible. Civilians are cheaper, do not get a great pension, and you can staff the posts with retired police officers who won't piss you about as they are so happy to be out of uniform.

Decrease the official "minimum manning" levels. If a shift is currently supposed to run at a minimum of 12, just decrease this to 10. That way you can truthfully say that you are not running below minimum.

Stop PCs taking leave.

Stop PCs moving away from shift.

Stop PCs being promoted.

Staff your special operations, especially those paid for by the Home Office, by making PCs work on their rest days rather than taking them off shift.

Stop arresting people. Since the new powers of arrest hit in January this year, it is the prime opportunity to "report" people instead. Burglars, shoplifters, robbers, just get them all reported. This can be done in a quick 10 minute interview at the side of the road, rather than taking one or two PCs eight hours in custody waiting for solicitors etc. The report file can be done by a retired police officer now working as a civilian.

Employ a lot more people to "audit" things and send emails. Sending emails is always a good solution to most problems.

Block your troops from getting their agreed pay rise. This will give you the 3% to spend on more police officers. The overall job satisfaction will go down, but your numbers will go up. Or, spend the 3% on more emailing.

Send all your officers a form to "Opt Out" of Working Time Regulations. Most of them will sign it without realising. Now you can make them work any amount of hours you want.

Sterilise all the WOMEN police officers. That will teach them to disappear with a baby and leave you in the lurch.

Sterilise all the males. Most of their problems at work stem from women. They will work harder and happier if they aren't distracted.

Shoot deserters. If they don't care enough for their country to work under-staffed, in dangerous conditions and in a state of blind exhaustion, they are traitors. Tough but fair.

Now wasn't that simple.

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

8 Comments:

Anonymous justacop said...

This is a suprisingly true post, I am starting to think you are in my force!

07 September, 2006 18:09

 
Blogger Midlands PC said...

You missed the bit about recruiting people through a system that rewards those who think for themselves, where 90% of applicants fall by the wayside, and then laying down a policy for virtually everything, taking away the thinking for your yourself, discretion and independence that is the very cornerstone of British policing.

Or is that just me?

07 September, 2006 20:19

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Decrease the official "minimum manning" levels. If a shift is currently supposed to run at a minimum of 12, just decrease this to 10. That way you can truthfully say that you are not running below minimum."

No, no, no! There are no minimum manning levels. That would imply there being an overtime budget to bring shifts up to that level when they were below minimum.

07 September, 2006 22:55

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As per the previous comment our Great and Good have already found this out. We have gone from "minimum" staffing to "optimum" staffing. Before we had to hit the target and that cost us too much. Now all it costs is an appology for missing it... tea and biscuits all round.

08 September, 2006 15:59

 
Blogger Constable Shortman said...

Everything we do, and I mean every little thing is audited by some shiney arse somewhere.

Why oh why are staffing levels never audited. The should be analysed and then printed in the press to see how useless we really are.

08 September, 2006 22:04

 
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