Thin on the Ground.

As the numbers of police in Blandmore dwindles to an all-time minimum, I have come up with an excellent solution to this problem:

Stop putting two officers in a unit. This is simple mathematics. If you split up a crew of two, you have two units.

Merge all your police areas into one giant one. Now you only need one Area Commander, one Chief Inspector, one DI.

Civilianise crucial jobs like custody sergeant, gateway sergeant... in fact, most sergeants' posts are dispensible. Civilians are cheaper, do not get a great pension, and you can staff the posts with retired police officers who won't piss you about as they are so happy to be out of uniform.

Decrease the official "minimum manning" levels. If a shift is currently supposed to run at a minimum of 12, just decrease this to 10. That way you can truthfully say that you are not running below minimum.

Stop PCs taking leave.

Stop PCs moving away from shift.

Stop PCs being promoted.

Staff your special operations, especially those paid for by the Home Office, by making PCs work on their rest days rather than taking them off shift.

Stop arresting people. Since the new powers of arrest hit in January this year, it is the prime opportunity to "report" people instead. Burglars, shoplifters, robbers, just get them all reported. This can be done in a quick 10 minute interview at the side of the road, rather than taking one or two PCs eight hours in custody waiting for solicitors etc. The report file can be done by a retired police officer now working as a civilian.

Employ a lot more people to "audit" things and send emails. Sending emails is always a good solution to most problems.

Block your troops from getting their agreed pay rise. This will give you the 3% to spend on more police officers. The overall job satisfaction will go down, but your numbers will go up. Or, spend the 3% on more emailing.

Send all your officers a form to "Opt Out" of Working Time Regulations. Most of them will sign it without realising. Now you can make them work any amount of hours you want.

Sterilise all the WOMEN police officers. That will teach them to disappear with a baby and leave you in the lurch.

Sterilise all the males. Most of their problems at work stem from women. They will work harder and happier if they aren't distracted.

Shoot deserters. If they don't care enough for their country to work under-staffed, in dangerous conditions and in a state of blind exhaustion, they are traitors. Tough but fair.

Now wasn't that simple.

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