This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.


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Friday, September 01, 2006

How NOT to get a ticket.

A reader has asked me to counter my post last week about speeding, by describing the best way NOT to get a ticket. As requested, my top ten tips are:

1. Speed during shift changeover time (you can find this out from your local force under the Freedom of Information Act). Everyone will be in at the nick having tea and doing paperwork.
2. Stay within 7-8mph of the speed limit, or 12-15 on the motorway. Chances are most cameras and panda cars will ignore you (can't guarantee it though!).
3. Start sobbing in desperation and say, "I'm so sorry." (This one doesn't work on me, but I've seen it used successfully on others - and, er, used it myself. Yes, they were mostly male officers.)
4. Wait until you see someone doing something much more dangerous and speed past them.
5. Don't worry about pandas doing 80mph+ themselves without their blue lights on. They shouldn't be and will probably not stop you. Probably not a good idea to zoom past them at 100mph though.
6. Don't wave or stick your finger up at the panda as you whiz by.
7. Say, "Is it cos I is black? Aiiii."
8. Say that your partner has cut your brake pipes. This makes it a domestic and they will back right off.
9. Point up ahead and shout, "The guys in that car have a gun!" Either they will chase after them, or run the other way.
10. Refuse the ticket and elect to go to court. The court system is so crap you can spin it out for years until all your other points have expired.

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

9 Comments:

Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

hahaha brilliant!

01 September, 2006 16:41

 
Blogger wil said...

One that I have accepted was the guy who was doing about 15 over the limit, in the middle of the night, on an uncrowded street.

He was very apologetic, Admitted he was speeding and then informed me that his wife had told him, just that evening, that they were pregnant with their first child.

I gave him the standard warnings but I just didn't have the heart to ruin one of the best days of his young life.

Unless he was one of the best actors I have ever met, you could see the absolute joy in his eyes, when he spoke of his news.

01 September, 2006 18:03

 
Blogger Bitseach said...

HA! Funny one! Full admission and abject apology often works on me, unless it's a mobile-phone-whilst-driving - I hate that.

01 September, 2006 20:45

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The one that I use, when seeing the blue lights in my rear view mirror, is to tell the officer that my wife had run off with a Policeman about a year ago and when I saw the blue lights, I thought he was bringing her back!

01 September, 2006 21:57

 
Blogger gonorr said...

Most excellent.

03 September, 2006 05:18

 
Blogger The Last Boy Scout said...

Genius!!!!!

04 September, 2006 07:30

 
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