This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

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Sunday, August 27, 2006

PC Bloggs investigates... Chav Culture.

As I zoomed to an address for the third time in the same night yesterday, it occurred to me that I was the privileged observer of the mysterious Chav tradition known as "Call-the-police" Day.

Most normal Brits may dial 999 for the police just two or three times in their lives, when attacked by muggers or in a bad car accident. They may dial a few more times on witnessing other people in trouble, but for themselves just those occasions which stand out in their lives as times of extreme terror.

Not so the Chavs.

For the average Chav, calling the police forms an essential part of his or everyday life. Most usually done during a long bored evening following eight pints of beer, it is both a form of communication and a way to assert superiority over other Chavs. It is frequently a response to their opponent calling the police, and Chavs compete for the title of "victim" by trying to beat each other to the phone in times of aggression.

This daily ritual climaxes on "Call-the-police" Day. For years experts have tried to fathom the indicators that this day is about to dawn, as it falls on a different day for each individual Chav. He or she will commence proceedings with a quick call in the morning along the lines of, "My ex-partner stared at me when I dropped the kids off at school". They follow up at lunch-time with, "I have received three text messages from my ex-partner saying sorry for staring at me and I feel she/he is harassing me." If time allows, a third call at tea-time to say that the ex-partner has driven past the house, which is usually accompanied by a coded gesture (middle finger or shaken fist) at the partner to let them know that the celebrations are due to kick off that night.

Then, after tea, "Call-the-police" Day is launched in all its glory. One party will perform the "banging on door" custom, performed with a clenched fist and guttural roars which should be just loud enough to wake the neighbours, and just obscene enough to offend every sector of society. The other party will dial 999, which is the signal for their friends and family to join the celebrations by attacking the Door-banger. The police will attend and usually arrest the Door-banger, sometimes taking a few of the family away too.

The next phase is to wait about two hours, then call 999 yet again. This time the original caller will have gone round to the other party's house and they return the Door-banging ritual whilst simultaneously telling the police what they are doing. The trick is to have left before the other family come out or the police attend. This will trigger the final phase in the tradition, when both families meet in the park and have an all-out rumble. At least three members of the family should call the police, and if the whole ritual has been done right, this is the point at which random members of public and neighbours begin to dial 999, demonstrating the ripple effect that unites the community in celebration.

For beginner investigators, a top tip to spot the passing of a "Call-the-police" Day is that every custody suite in the police force will be full and the shift that come on duty in the morning will be handed at least five hundred sheets of paper relating to the job.

Copyright of PC Bloggs


Anonymous justacop said...

Oh how true this is :-), just waiting for the next full moon which is usually a pretty good indicator.

28 August, 2006 09:52

Anonymous rob said...

And of course they have all had the traditional cocktail of stella or bacardi breezer and perhaps a bit of herbal remedy to get the festivities going full pelt. That always washes down the seasonal fare of pot noodle and micro chips.

28 August, 2006 10:45

Anonymous pressofficer said...

Brilliant, just brilliant. I read a lot of the police blogs, but your's is the funniest yet. Also worryingly close to reality... Keep it up!

28 August, 2006 13:55

Blogger icedink said...

Very funny indeed - i'm there with the cuffs handy, and I'm not even a plod.

28 August, 2006 14:30

Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

So very true! (yet again!)

29 August, 2006 13:15

Anonymous Beenacop said...

Thanks for that having retired two years ago I was starting to forget what s--t I dealt with and was beginning to look at the past with rose tinted glasses then I read this post and it all came flooding back. Just so glad I'm not there any more!

31 August, 2006 20:10

Anonymous cynical cop said...

chav in a box- innit..
chav in a locked box-safe...
chavette in white tracksuit-bride..
chavette aged 30-granny...

two chavs decide to have a race...
they jump over a cliff together- who wins?.... society...

true story...

me- 'ok, when you go in front of the custody sarge, behave yourself...'
chav-'i know- but he battered me before...'
me-'he covered you in breadcrumbs and dipped you in hot fat?'
chav-'i want another copper - you are messing wiv me head..'

01 September, 2006 22:55

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