PC Bloggs investigates... Chav Culture.

As I zoomed to an address for the third time in the same night yesterday, it occurred to me that I was the privileged observer of the mysterious Chav tradition known as "Call-the-police" Day.

Most normal Brits may dial 999 for the police just two or three times in their lives, when attacked by muggers or in a bad car accident. They may dial a few more times on witnessing other people in trouble, but for themselves just those occasions which stand out in their lives as times of extreme terror.

Not so the Chavs.

For the average Chav, calling the police forms an essential part of his or everyday life. Most usually done during a long bored evening following eight pints of beer, it is both a form of communication and a way to assert superiority over other Chavs. It is frequently a response to their opponent calling the police, and Chavs compete for the title of "victim" by trying to beat each other to the phone in times of aggression.

This daily ritual climaxes on "Call-the-police" Day. For years experts have tried to fathom the indicators that this day is about to dawn, as it falls on a different day for each individual Chav. He or she will commence proceedings with a quick call in the morning along the lines of, "My ex-partner stared at me when I dropped the kids off at school". They follow up at lunch-time with, "I have received three text messages from my ex-partner saying sorry for staring at me and I feel she/he is harassing me." If time allows, a third call at tea-time to say that the ex-partner has driven past the house, which is usually accompanied by a coded gesture (middle finger or shaken fist) at the partner to let them know that the celebrations are due to kick off that night.

Then, after tea, "Call-the-police" Day is launched in all its glory. One party will perform the "banging on door" custom, performed with a clenched fist and guttural roars which should be just loud enough to wake the neighbours, and just obscene enough to offend every sector of society. The other party will dial 999, which is the signal for their friends and family to join the celebrations by attacking the Door-banger. The police will attend and usually arrest the Door-banger, sometimes taking a few of the family away too.

The next phase is to wait about two hours, then call 999 yet again. This time the original caller will have gone round to the other party's house and they return the Door-banging ritual whilst simultaneously telling the police what they are doing. The trick is to have left before the other family come out or the police attend. This will trigger the final phase in the tradition, when both families meet in the park and have an all-out rumble. At least three members of the family should call the police, and if the whole ritual has been done right, this is the point at which random members of public and neighbours begin to dial 999, demonstrating the ripple effect that unites the community in celebration.

For beginner investigators, a top tip to spot the passing of a "Call-the-police" Day is that every custody suite in the police force will be full and the shift that come on duty in the morning will be handed at least five hundred sheets of paper relating to the job.

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