Thank goodness for WPCs!

Every now and again Blandshire Constabulary asks us WOMEN whether we wish to use the "W" in front of our title, whether it should be voluntary or whether compulsorily dropped. I was interested to find on the Web that most forces "officially" dropped this prefix back in the 70s or 80s. Why, then, do I still hear "WPC Bloggs!" ringing out across the briefing room in times of sexual offence emergency?

Well, the fact is, the Force couldn't do without us female bobbies. We may not be strong enough to bosh doors, or intelligent enough to get many of the top jobs, but fortunately due to our fine-tuned feminine wiles, we are ready and waiting to be dispatched to as many rapes, sexual assaults and child protection jobs as is humanly possible.

This is why the "W" is so vital. How else would the controller know which officer to dispatch to said rape? Imagine the outrage of these over-sensitive hussies if the words, "Can a female officer attend..." were put out over the air! With the precious "W", the controller can feign ignorance and just pretend the WOMAN was the only available unit.

The sergeant has a vital role to play here. He/she must recognise that MALE police officers are incapable of hearing the word "Vagina" or "Penetrate" without dissolving in terror and feeling the need to rush off and fight someone. This also goes for cases where CHILDREN are left unattended waiting for Social Services. Though a man may be married and making a pretence of raising a family, he has nothing compared to the prowess we WOMEN display when dealing with darling little kiddies; even those of us who are single and/or child-hating still have a natural affinity for young creatures of all species.

I am all for this kind of discrimination. It has done wonders for my career. Whereas the men on shift are lucky if they attend one or two rapes a year, I have a glut of "evidence" for my PDR (development record). On one shift I attended three rapes in a row, despite being one of eight officers on duty. As it happens, I was crewed with another WOMAN. The result - CID love me, I have experience of all kinds of sexual depravity, am proficient interviewing children, seizing clothing and swabs of all descriptions... where the poor men on my team feel the early onset of heart failure if sent to a job like this as they have had absolutely no practice.

Interestingly, although officially the "W" was banned in 1989 in my force, they are kind enough to let it still appear on my personnel screen, for fear I miss out on the essential training I am entitled to.

Where WOULD we be without WPCs?

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