This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Thank goodness for WPCs!

Every now and again Blandshire Constabulary asks us WOMEN whether we wish to use the "W" in front of our title, whether it should be voluntary or whether compulsorily dropped. I was interested to find on the Web that most forces "officially" dropped this prefix back in the 70s or 80s. Why, then, do I still hear "WPC Bloggs!" ringing out across the briefing room in times of sexual offence emergency?

Well, the fact is, the Force couldn't do without us female bobbies. We may not be strong enough to bosh doors, or intelligent enough to get many of the top jobs, but fortunately due to our fine-tuned feminine wiles, we are ready and waiting to be dispatched to as many rapes, sexual assaults and child protection jobs as is humanly possible.

This is why the "W" is so vital. How else would the controller know which officer to dispatch to said rape? Imagine the outrage of these over-sensitive hussies if the words, "Can a female officer attend..." were put out over the air! With the precious "W", the controller can feign ignorance and just pretend the WOMAN was the only available unit.

The sergeant has a vital role to play here. He/she must recognise that MALE police officers are incapable of hearing the word "Vagina" or "Penetrate" without dissolving in terror and feeling the need to rush off and fight someone. This also goes for cases where CHILDREN are left unattended waiting for Social Services. Though a man may be married and making a pretence of raising a family, he has nothing compared to the prowess we WOMEN display when dealing with darling little kiddies; even those of us who are single and/or child-hating still have a natural affinity for young creatures of all species.

I am all for this kind of discrimination. It has done wonders for my career. Whereas the men on shift are lucky if they attend one or two rapes a year, I have a glut of "evidence" for my PDR (development record). On one shift I attended three rapes in a row, despite being one of eight officers on duty. As it happens, I was crewed with another WOMAN. The result - CID love me, I have experience of all kinds of sexual depravity, am proficient interviewing children, seizing clothing and swabs of all descriptions... where the poor men on my team feel the early onset of heart failure if sent to a job like this as they have had absolutely no practice.

Interestingly, although officially the "W" was banned in 1989 in my force, they are kind enough to let it still appear on my personnel screen, for fear I miss out on the essential training I am entitled to.

Where WOULD we be without WPCs?

Copyright of (W)PC Bloggs


Blogger Bel said...

Oh God. I laughed out loud throughout this post. Does this make me a bad person? :)

What a great blog. I shall be back.

30 August, 2006 17:24

Blogger Chairwoman of the bored said...

The men might recoil at the word vagina, but I bet they don't hesitate to use the 'c' word.

I too laughed out loud. Cracking blog, read it daily.

30 August, 2006 18:52

Blogger Bitseach said...

You think that's bad? Some male PCs-in-training (apparently it crushes their little sensitive souls if we call them "recruits" now) announced at Training School that they would certainly not, no-way attend male rapes. Because they didn't want to and would feel embarrassed. Poor lambs - I hope they have fun when they meet the REAL world! "Please Sarge, I don't want to report the smelly month-dead vagrant - may I be excused?" "of COURSE you can - now where's PC Bitseach(or PC Bloggs)?"

30 August, 2006 19:50

Blogger Ellee Seymour said...

I do wonder why you didn't call your site WPC Bloggs.

What a refreshingly, open and honest great read this is. I remember when I wrote a health page for my local rag, I could never refer to "women's problems". And yes, it was a male editor.

Thanks for adding me to your blogroll.

30 August, 2006 20:10

Blogger Noddy said...

How about we resolve it by having MPC's as well, after all that's only one letter swap away from what we men allegedly are!

... and just to be totally diverse we would need TPC's as well.

At least it is less ridiculous than having your fair sex described as a 'skill'.

30 August, 2006 21:49

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently we [men] are not needed anymore. Women are better at most things these days. I give up. Go and fight on the front line... I'll do the hoovering, put my feet up and look after the sprog.

Diversity? Whats that (Other then a 4 day course..) ?

30 August, 2006 23:12

Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

cracking! Although I do worry where you are with 3 rapes in one day!

31 August, 2006 09:35

Blogger wil said...


Enjoy your stories.

I have added you to my "Cop-Blog" links.

31 August, 2006 12:10

Anonymous Wah said...

Can i ask you people a question as rozzers. Pretty much off topic, but you are best placed to give me a straight answer. I've been waiting to go to Hendon for 3.5 years (i passed selection in mid-2003). Now have a start date later this year, but i'm in two minds now having waited so long. I work in a fairly mundane, repetitive role in the city (of London), but okay paid. I'm 30 years old and looking to make a career, the one i have is stagnant. So my question is...would you join the police, knowing what you know from a position such as mine? Clearly you don't know everything about me, it's more what you know as the lifestyle of a police officer. I have to make a decision very soon whether to jump, and it's driving me nuts as i don't want to jump into the unknown (as exciting as it could be) to find out i'm no better off. I've spent today reading UK police officer blogs to get an idea, but not really any getting any clarity.
Great site by the way!

31 August, 2006 13:21

Blogger Joe90 said...

Female Officers can't bash down doors, Male Officers can't deal with rapes.

Sounds like one hell of a generalisation to me, but your blog was funny, that I have to admit!

31 August, 2006 13:46

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