This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Wheels on the Bus...

The hard shoulder has been in use in Blandmore for the last year, to great effect. We have successfully proven that if you take the number of police officers required to police a town, halve it, add one, then divide by the number you first thought of, you will still have enough police officers to police the town. Moreover, the emergency measures you had in place whereby officers could be asked to work long shifts, rest days and have annual leave cancelled can be operated all year round without any detrimental effect whatsoever.

Last week in Blandmore I thought the wheels were going to come off. Two shifts were working the "busy" hours, their hours cunningly overlapping to give double the manpower when most needed. The residents of the town were basking in the radiance of yellow jackets flooding the streets. Then, within the space of a "golden" half hour between two and two-thirty, every single officer in Blandmore arrested somebody. Every officer, that is, except for me: I was halfway through a bacon sandwich at the time.

Not a problem. I am more than happy to police Blandmore single-handedly, as long as it does not mean getting out of my car. I was poised, bacon sandwich at the ready, in front of the television, as the other twelve police officers on duty queued up in custody with their prisoners.

At this point, there was a shooting. I am not ashamed to say that I continued to eat my bacon sandwich as I roared to the scene, decked out in my brightest yellow jacket as the duty inspector's way of ensuring I would deflect any stray bullets. Also as I roared, I radioed up the same duty inspector and told him that the proverbial faeces were just millimetres from the big whirly thing and maybe he might want to see about opening the box of police officers in his office.

Unfortunately I had been misinformed: the inspector does not keep a box of police officers in his office. It appeared that the train wreck that is Blandmore's resourcing situation had finally left the tracks and was hurtling towards a block of flats at an alarming rate. This was a Very Good Thing.

You see, if an utter disaster were to occur, such as a lone PC being shot in the line of duty due to lack of back-up, or even better, if a member of public were to bleed to death due to the shortage of police officers to come to their aid, it would mean press coverage, Inquiries and, ultimately, maybe, more police officers. Nothing less will do the trick.

I got to the scene of the shooting and was able to identify the noise described as a car backfiring. Not only that, but backfiring some distance away. Ten minutes later, two or three officers were released from custody and the thin blue cushion was back under the inspector's backside.

It could have been a shooting. It was close. Very close.

Copyright of PC Bloggs.


Blogger Paradise Driver said...

Responding to a "shots fired" call with no cover AND no weapon.

Lady, you've got BALLS!

22 June, 2007 04:21

Anonymous Anonymous said...

lets just hope the wheel doesn't fall off when any of us are under the bus though eh!!

22 June, 2007 08:52

Anonymous Inspector Gadget said...

Goodness me - are you ALLOWED to eat bacon in Blandmore police? We are NOT allowed bacon in Ruralshire Constabulary in case it offends a religious group. Shame on you.

22 June, 2007 18:05

Anonymous pc said...

Last week all THREE of the officers in our northern town were tied up with arrests, and then two more shoplifters were arrested and were being detained by store staff.
I was getting a vehicle recovered some 20 miles away, and technically, I was the next available resource. I considered my options. Should I shout up and drive all that way to deal with it and try to paper over the staff shortage crisis at my station?
Fuck that.
The more we run out of officers for jobs, the more they might deploy some more on shift, and actually get round to kicking some of the sick lame and lazy bastards out of offices to do some work.
I fear you are right; it will take a serious kicking for a single crewed bobby before anything changes...

22 June, 2007 19:48

Blogger busybizzie said...

I've been the only officer patrolling half of a city too many times.
Not a nice feeling

22 June, 2007 21:40

Anonymous Joe. P said...

'Into the valley of death rode our heroin armed with her coruscating sarcasm and a bacon sandwich.'

Bystanders were seen to be saluting and singing patriotic songs.

22 June, 2007 21:55

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, please Gadget, say you were joking about the bacon. I don't think I could live in a society which deprived me of pig sandwich!!

22 June, 2007 22:24

Blogger Girl*Next*Door said...

I second that, please say you were just taking the mick IG, weren't you......?
Apparently the recruitment of PCSO's is on the up so it doesn't look like you'll be getting any more actual police officers soon unfortunately. As for an officer having to take a kicking or lose their life, hasn't far too much of that happened already? And look what has been done about it, zero apart from a few condolence speeches.

22 June, 2007 23:53

Anonymous Anonymous said...

its the 'civvies' in non jobs who think they are what the Police is about that are the main gripe, not everyone who isn't a police officer. There are some total lazy bastards.


23 June, 2007 15:40

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great, I've got someone posting as me - thanks very much. Probably the same prick I was arguing with on one of the other threads. And now It looks like I'm having an argument with myself - thanks again.


23 June, 2007 16:01

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You didn't say these things?

23 June, 2007 17:04

Anonymous Anonymous said...

metcountybobby are you on medication?

23 June, 2007 19:59

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Didn't you ever see Katherine Hepburn in Summertime?


23 June, 2007 20:53

Blogger Big Fella in Blue said...

I remember times when my shift used to consist of 15PCs, 2Sgt and the shift Insp, now Im lucky if we have an acting Sgt and 3Pcs with a divisional Insp covering numerous stations and custody areas.

I have been in the same position where every officer has arrested someone and I am the only officer covering the southern part of the force eg that would take me about 45mins to an hour to reach one side of the force from the other and that is on a blue light run.

23 June, 2007 21:02

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then get with the programme fat boy!!!

Collar some weak little shit for pissing in the doorway of a bookshop and take safely yourself out circulation for the rest of the shift too !!!


23 June, 2007 21:13

Blogger PC Bloggs said...

Metcountymounty, can I suggest you get yourself a profile so you can't get cloned in this disturbing way!!

23 June, 2007 22:21

Anonymous Anonymous said...

One day I shall run the bloody Met !!!

23 June, 2007 23:28

Blogger Metcountymounty said...

I don't want to run the Met thanks, I think Sir Ian Blair is doing a fine job all by himself...

24 June, 2007 10:38

Blogger metcountymounty said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

24 June, 2007 11:23

Blogger metcountymounty said...

Was that you Anon?

What was it that you decided not to say? Deleted it did you? Got you on the run now haven't I?

Wassamatter? You not hard enough?

The rest of you listening out there? I'll sort the lot of you. You hear? I'll show you who's the daddy!!!

24 June, 2007 11:53

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gaaaaaah!!! I'm confused.

24 June, 2007 23:02

Anonymous Anonymous said...

These are police ??!!!

24 June, 2007 23:23

Anonymous Anonymous said...

metcountymounty....Well I am not going to any sleepover party that is frequented by bastards. I have had quite enough of them thank you very much. Enough in fact to last me a hundred lifetimes and if whichendshits is a bastard...then go kick his ass.


25 June, 2007 18:22

Blogger metcountymounty said...

Traffic is an extremely effective way of getting into sus vehicles to see if there's any stolen meat.

Then I tell those meatpackers that we're going to play find the hidden sausages

Afert all what is wrong with a proddy?

As a bonus, if it turns out they don't have insurance or other relevant offence then they get summonsed.

25 June, 2007 21:30

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