This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Sunday, February 11, 2007

Best Friends.

We are told that dangerous dogs are now rife in our society. The proof for this claim is the statistic that the number of them nearly doubled between 2000 and 2005 to the despiccable figure of over 400 incidents! The government must take drastic action straight away. I imagine that some kind of update in the legislation will solve this crisis and I urge you all to campaign for at least seven new offences condemning the use of a dog as a weapon.

The police now take these attacks seriously: whereas before we used to have a bit of a giggle at the antics of our loveable companions, now we grasp the significance of these terrifying attacks and their potential for a detection.

In the year 2000, I would have been expected to deal with a dangerous dog incident thus:
  • Turn up, establish that although the dog was boisterous, no injury had actually been caused.
  • Discover that the caller is a cat-lover.
  • Advise the dog-owner to keep the animal on the lead and the caller to go home.
Now, however, the refined Blandshire approach would be:
  • Turn up, establish that although the dog was boisterous, no injury had actually been caused.
  • Discover that the caller is a cat-lover.
  • Advise the dog-owner to keep the animal on the lead and the caller to go home.
  • Return to the nick to discover that a crime report has been generated in relation to the incident.
  • Inform the crime desk that this is a No-Crime.
  • Wait a week for their response.
  • Read and delete the email telling me that the No-Crime has been rejected on the grounds of Bureaucracy.
  • Complain to my sergeant.
  • Have my sergeant write a rude email to the Crime Desk.
  • Receive an email from the Crime Desk informing me that I should accept that my job in these situations is to arrest someone and kill their dog on the basis of an anonymous call.
  • Visit the "victim" and get them to sign a statement to say that they were not injured and do not want to pursue any complaint, although they would like the dog-owner to be advised of the benefits of cats.
  • Visit the dog-owner and get them to sign a statement admitting that their dog was a bit boisterous and might one day frighten someone into falling over and hurting themselves.
  • Submit all the paperwork to the Crime Desk for forwarding to the Headquarters Auditors.
  • Wait six weeks, then receive an email informing me that the admission by the dog-owner is simply insufficient and there isn't enough evidence to prove this offence.
  • Rip my own throat out with the office scissors.
I do wonder why the number of recorded incidents has increased...

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

15 Comments:

Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

Ahhhhh horrible spam!

Im sure this will soon be classed as a "doggist incident" and will need the involvment of hatecrimes etc etc

11 February, 2007 09:51

 
Blogger wil said...

Rip my own throat out with the office scissors

Wouldn't that become another crime "detection"?

Or at least cause your department to require a form to requisition a pair of scissors, prior to ripping your throat out but only if you promise not to hold them responsible should you actually do the "ripping".

11 February, 2007 10:55

 
Anonymous gratefulpunter said...

hmmm, wil, if she gets blood on the scissors, could this be damaging public property, thereby generating a new crime for the one just solved?

11 February, 2007 11:44

 
Anonymous gratefulpunter said...

PS. think i prefer the letter verification than the spam

11 February, 2007 11:46

 
Blogger PC Bloggs said...

Have put comment verification back in as I can't cope with crap in my inbox at home as well as work!

11 February, 2007 19:35

 
Blogger Noddy said...

That verification thingy swore at me in Finnish, but at least I wasn't triplicated this time.

p.s. Do they really say innit in Liverpool?

11 February, 2007 21:02

 
Blogger busybizzie said...

Not sure I like the way you suggest this thing is being blown out of all proportion. It's nearly as serious as brid flu where there have been 129 cases globally in the last year alone!
That's double the number of people who choked on the little plastic bits on the ends of shoelaces!
Now that's serious.
Must go now as the force helicopter is hovering over my house and I fear my garden may be full of TWOCers!

11 February, 2007 21:37

 
Blogger Johnny Law said...

Sweet Jesus. Is this really how your department operates? I am speechless at what it has become.

12 February, 2007 03:18

 
Blogger PC South West said...

One bit of spam and you break under the pressure. Come one PC Bloggs it's early days.
I have only had one piece of spam on my blog and its easy to delete.

PS I have been in A&E due to a dog bite in the past and that was on duty and it wasn't a Police dog.

12 February, 2007 19:18

 
Blogger BelfastPeeler said...

I'm disgusted you didn't do door to door enquiries to discover if the dog had barked once at anyone else. Then you could have recorded statements of no complaint from each of them and got another clearance for each!

Neglect of duty I call it, what were you doing, prancing around trying to catch criminals or some other lame excuse I expect?

12 February, 2007 21:46

 
Blogger staghounds said...

Scissors? That's an offensive weapon then, innit?

Get a crime number, arrest yourself, then give yourself credit for a detection. You will be placed on administrative leave pending resolution of the charge.

Demand a solicitor, give a no comment interview, demand a jury trial, refuse bail, and bark like a dog. The lawyer will demand a psychiatric.

Bark for the quack. Someone will recall the dog incident, and the witch doctor will attribute your condition to job related stress.

Your lawyer will demand a delay in the trial because of your condition. CPS will cave as usual. You will be released, BUT still on administrative leave.

Continue to bark whenever you see scissors, a dog, or a police officer.* You will never come to trial, because by the next trial date the CPS hack will have lost his file. To avoid admitting it, he will agree to a continuance "until you get better".

You will continue to draw full pay and benefits until mandatory retirement age, when your full pension will start.

* This won't be much of a stretch for you. PCSOs will continue to get the growl you give them already.

13 February, 2007 23:52

 
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