This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Saturday, December 02, 2006

Chaaaarge!

It is now being recommended that we pay charges to drive on roads.

This is glorious news: I do not think that the innocent motorist can be targeted enough by government schemes. If people like myself will insist on wanting to rush everywhere, we must pay the price. For example, it would take me an hour and a half by rail to get to work instead of twelve minutes by car. If I finished late following an afternoon shift I might even have to walk home which would take two or more hours. That would teach me.

Other ways we could target motorists for their selfish ways of life are:
  • Introduce a set fee per person carried in each car. The more people who travel in these fume-beasts, the more psychological harm they are doing.
  • Install every car with a black box and video camera which will be downloaded automatically each week. They can then be fined for every minor error they make.
  • Produce a website which shows the location of every car in the country, its speed and course, to name and shame those drivers.
If anyone can think of any more suggestions as to how we can make motorists' lives a misery, let me know.

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14 Comments:

Blogger AllBloodyTaken said...

The Squirrel & The Grasshopper, (REST OF THE WORLD VERSION)

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The

grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the squirrel is warm and well fed. The

grasshopper is hungry and in the cold.

THE END

The Squirrel & The Grasshopper, (THE BRITISH VERSION)

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The

grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come winter the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social

worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well

fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home

with a table laden with food. The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in country of such wealth, this poor

grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and newly formed The Grasshopper

Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special live from Notting Hill with

breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We shall overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald

that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of the grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay

his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive
to the beginning of summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as

builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to
work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can
be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start

building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had

hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport

because of Britain's apparent love for dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the

police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned

because it was feared they may face death by mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate

government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers "illness". The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since

arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released

immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the supervisory care of the probation service to monitor him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry that will eventually cost 10,000,000 pounds and state the obvious is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized
by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of press blame it on the failings of the government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience in prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the UK.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond

65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

02 December, 2006 17:10

 
Blogger gonorr said...

charge drivers roadtax and not spend it on maintaining the roads?



D'oh!

They do that anyway.

Seemed like a good idea.

02 December, 2006 17:28

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep voting for Bliar?

02 December, 2006 19:37

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Carry on like this and we'll have Poll Tax Riots II. It's f------ ridiculous.

That Squirrel & Grasshopper story is fantastic !

02 December, 2006 21:18

 
Anonymous justacop said...

People are being pushed to the edge, if there were no motorists in this country we would not have a tax policy.

I pay tax on fuel, higher than anywhere else in the world, I pay road tax which isn't spent on road repairs, and I am certainly not going to spend money on paying by the mile.

This government and the 'in their pocket' experts really need a good dose of reality. I can't see it ending up like the poll tax riots though because most of those that took part probably don't pay most of these taxes anyway. The poll tax was a fairer way of taxing people anyway - why should I pay more tax just because I live in a nicer house that your average chav?

02 December, 2006 22:32

 
Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

Have car radios fixed to only recieve Radio 2

03 December, 2006 02:05

 
Anonymous ranter said...

All Bloody Taken: Fantastic, Brilliant! And I didn't have to take any LSD. Says it all! I also agree with all the others. Except I'm of an age where I 'get' Radio 4 - even Woman's Hour, and especially 'The Archers' - so sorry 'extra special'. I don't know why we don't just all get chipNpinned. and start paying the moment we wake up and walk down to the station or bus stop. They've gone mad haven't they? I balme those creepy Milliband boys - don't know why - I just do! Why do our politicians, from all parties not listen to their constituents, why do they think they know better than us?

03 December, 2006 11:43

 
Anonymous ranter said...

I forgot to add, when they do bring it in - as they will - who'll pay? It won't be everyone will it?

03 December, 2006 11:45

 
Blogger busybizzie said...

Something's got to give though hasn't it? I don't want to live in a world where we're gridlocked constantly and choked by fumes. If road pricing makes people think about how necessary journeys are then that must be for the good.
I'm not saying the idea isn't flawed. The main obstacle is of course that for nigh on a century our civilisation has built up an infrastructure based around roads and this can't be undone in a generation. People do rely on vehicles for jobs, schools, shops etc etc and it's foolish to pretend that all these individual journeys can be catered for by new public transport. Some middle ground must be found and that may mean pricing some people off the road. Sadly this will be the usual easy target of middle income families who will pay for all the scroungers to carry on so that their social needs aren't affected.
That's where this all becomes a croc.

03 December, 2006 15:30

 
Blogger Calabar Gal said...

@all bloodytaken: beautiful grasshopper & squirrel story. Vivid Imagination!!

03 December, 2006 20:00

 
Anonymous ranter said...

What about the traveller community, the gypsy folk etc. Do you think they'll pay? maybe they'll be exempt on 'racial' grounds? Anyone heard any arguments/proposals 'around' this?

05 December, 2006 15:57

 
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