This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Going for a Massage.

I read a lot on other blogs and in PC Copperfield's book about the state of the nation's crime figures. Nothing makes me madder than to suggest that we police are dishonest in recording crime with the ultimate aim of showing how it is decreasing.

I do not know about other forces, but in Blandshire it has been made clear to us on numerous occasions that we are to record as much crime as possible, whether detectable or not. We even have a whole department of civilians dedicated to creating crime reports at the mere sniff of a complaint from a Member of Public.

This is how the process goes:

  1. MoP calls the police to report an incident.
  2. Call-taker creates a "job" and if urgent enough, dispatches officers to it. Meanwhile, the Mop is put through to the civilian enquiry centre.
  3. The Civilian creats a crime report. This can take some creativity as not all callers will actually specify an offence and, believe it or not, some Members of Public don't even have training in law! Moreover, the options on the drop-down menu for "offence" do not appear to relate to UK law.
  4. PC Bloggs arrives on scene and establishes that although there has been some kind of argument/incident, there are no actual offences.
  5. PC Bloggs leaves the scene with a job well done and everyone happy.
  6. Two days later PC Bloggs is scanning through crime reports in her name when she discovers an assault/criminal damage/theft appearing on the system in relation to that incident. Baffled, she informs the crime desk that no actual offences took place.
  7. The crime desk know that PC Bloggs is lying. This is because PC Bloggs is a malevolent shift bobby and therefore always lies to avoid work. The crime desk will not get rid of this crime report without proof that the offence did not happen.
  8. "But," says PC Bloggs, "There was never any proof it DID happen, just someone shouting down the phone and then changing their story when the police actually arrived."
  9. But it is too late. The crime report will now exist forever Undetected. On limited occasions, where absolute proof is obtained that the offence never happened such as secret CCTV and/or phone-tapping evidence, it might be possible to remove the blight from PC Bloggs' name, but this should take at least six weeks in the hope that she will forget all about it in the meantime. In those six weeks, it will also have been counted as a negative statistic and even if it is removed later, nothing can un-etch it from the Daily Bulletin.
The classic example of the above is the Domestic. We all know that the police do not care about women being beaten up and want them all to die.

The only way to prevent this is to create a crime report of assault as soon as the word "He" is mentioned by a caller. The aim is to make it easier for the police officer to just arrest somebody than try to explain that no actual assault took place.

This successful system is now pushing the honest coppers underground where they belong: whereas before they used to be able to say there had been a bit of a scuffle but both parties were equally to blame, now it is better just to lie and say that no phsyical contact took place whatsoever. I think you will all agree that this is the best outcome for society and the victims of crime.

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

8 Comments:

Anonymous justacop said...

The support staff don't half get shirty too when they tell you to go and get an LDTP statement and you refuse. I refuse on the basis that no offence has actually ocurred and how can some decline to prosecute something that has not happened. Welcome to planet earth !!

Anyway, I always thought that support staff were there to support, the clue is in the name. [Puts on flameproof overalls and NATo helmet whilst waiting for hostile response from fellow bloggers].

30 November, 2006 23:33

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah justacop, how wrong you are. In our force, we no longer have Police support staff, as they are seen to be inferior to Police Officers....The're now just Police Staff. Funny I always thought civilians were employed to help support the Police.

01 December, 2006 13:55

 
Anonymous Molloy said...

Not on your nelly, as everyone knows, the lowest thing on the food chain in the police force is a bobby.

Well I remember the day when I was dispatched half the way across town to retrieve a document needed for a case. The deskbound support staff never even thought about asking the other party to email the document directly to them.

As you might expect, it turned out in the end that they didn't actually need this document after all, so I was off the front line for nearly two hours for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Also, I did enjoy the fact that a CRB employee once attempted to tell me that someone kicking a door (no attempt to get inside you understand, they were just kicking the door to harass the person inside), was an attempt burglary, and refusing to crime it unless I took out the mention of the door being kicked. Sigh ..

01 December, 2006 14:05

 
Anonymous non pc pc said...

i always like to endorse the dt report with " a negative stmt is required as per force policy this has to be done by a dvo (domestic violence officer), will therefore forward to dvo for completion"

strangely enough the only people that dont seem to be aware that negative stmts have to be taken by the dvo is the dvo.

01 December, 2006 14:06

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, Bloggs the schoolboy error!! You absolutely cannot call Police Staff 'CIVILIANS' anymore!!
Our 'staff' are now housed in an air conditioned luxury penthouse office suite resplendent with the latest in capital equipment...executive chairs, footstools et al. It was called the 'Customer Support Centre' but changed to 'Police Support Centre' rather quickly after complaints.(What do our customers actually buy from us Chief Constable?)
I'm not blaming the troops who work there you understand. They are doing a damn fine job given the circumstances.
Oh how nice it would be to have that extra 'workstation' in our tiny little cubicle of an office. There's only 20 of us in there on 24/7 with two desks and two computers. During office hours you might get a look in but for the 9-5's (Inspector and Sgt) sat there compiling insignificant e-mails and doctrines ("During the frosty mornings I expect each vehicle to be de-frosted without exception") What a gem!
Oh I could go on and on.

03 December, 2006 19:09

 
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