Return of my TITs:

There is nothing more off-putting to a police officer than attending a crime where we have no idea who did it. It invariably means one of the following paper- and time-consuming processes:

• RIPA (Authorisation to breach someone's privacy to trace phone-calls / numbers etc).
• Media Appeal.
• Blood-spattered clothing submission (ie for DNA).
• Fingerprint analysis.
• Handwriting analysis.
• Arrest a random stranger and hope it turns out to be the guy.
  

I suggest a new approach. Here are some more of my Terrific Investigating Techniques to apply when you attend a crime with no suspect:

• Tell the victim immediately that there is virtually no chance that the offender will be caught. This will set them up for the outcome, ensure amazement and gratitude if you do get him/her, and most importantly, it covers the aspect of the Victims' Code which says you have to update the victim before you close an investigation. You will now never have to speak to them again.
• Try to persuade the victim that the offence did not actually happen. This is more successful if you tell them that by law you will have to phone them every seven days to update them on the investigation, and sadly you only work between the hours of 1am-5am.
  
• Downgrade the crime classification from what it actually is to the one below eg. If it is a robbery (a theft where force is used/threatened), try to crime it as a theft. If it is a burglary (involves trespassing), try to call it a criminal damage or theft. Lesser GBHs should be crimed as ABH, ABH as Common Assault. A Common Assault should not be crimed at all if possible. This makes it easier to "get rid" of these jobs later as the force will not worry so much about their detection figures on the lesser crimes. The one exception to this is Sexual Assault and major GBHs (eg shooting, running over with car). These should be crimed as Rape and Attempted Murder respectively, that way CID (detectives) will have to deal with them and you will never see the paperwork again.
• Try to prove that the victim lied in their statement. If they did, you can arrest them for Perverting the Course of Justice and perhaps get a detection after all.
  
• Once you have established that the victim did not know the offender and that none of the witnesses knew the offender, file the paperwork and state "no further enquiries to make". If you do not mention Scenes of Crime, CCTV and Media Appeal, perhaps your sergeant will not think of them.
• If all else fails, blame it all on the gormless MP who inspired the crime in the first place and arrest him.

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