This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.


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Monday, October 02, 2006

PC Bloggs Investigates... Domestic Violence.

As a police officer, especially a police WOMAN, I am an expert on domestic violence.

I am an expert therapist, social worker, psychiatrist, child behaviourist and life coach. I could present any TV show from Supernanny to How Clean Is Your House? Except that instead of helping the children behave and cleaning the carpets, I would recognise that they have called me in far too late, and my "reveal" at the end of every show would be to invite the viewer into the same house with a different family installed.

Here are some of the lesser known skills of the modern police officer:

  • They can speed up your divorce.
  • They can make your children behave and your husband (or you) stop drinking.
  • If your partner owns the house and you can't afford to move out, they can magically produce free accommodation, giving up their own home if necessary.
  • They can arrive in five seconds flat to prevent you being beaten up, but not let your partner know you called them. They can also stop him beating you without actually "doing" anything at all.
  • They can locate your teenaged children and force them to come home and stay.
  • They have several hours free in which to hear your woes.
  • They adore cats, the more the better.
  • They can balance on the edge of a television cabinet whilst writing a six page statement.
  • They can make the courts lock your partner up forever without you ever having to give evidence.
  • They spend every minute of every day awake with their job mobile on and waiting for your call, and as they never forget a face they will remember your life story two years after meeting you once.
  • They really care about your plight.
  • They have a red telephone in the police station and when they pick it up, God or Tony Blair will answer and do everything they say.
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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

11 Comments:

Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

Shame they dont have all these written on the website

03 October, 2006 08:39

 
Blogger Bitseach said...

I'm with you all the way, except for the bit about the cats - I don't know any coppers who aren't completely obsessed about their cats. Oh the conversations we have over refs, showing mobile phone pictures of their loved (furry) ones.

03 October, 2006 12:05

 
Blogger Stan Still said...

I HATE COOKING FATS!!

03 October, 2006 19:55

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoever introduces the word 'pussies' into this conversation should volunteer for an extra set of nights!
Cunning linguist

03 October, 2006 21:07

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to rain on the parade, we police officers are not experts in anything. 16 years of attending these sorts of jobs have taken its toll and when i speak to parties i make the following observations:
1. I am here as a police officer to investigate any possible offences and see if any future offences can be prevented.
2. I can offer no advice on relationships but i can refer you to help and support agencies.
3. The police do not have the resources to provide 24/7 personal protection and if you genuinely fear for your safety then speak to domestic incident officers or other agencies in relation to a move.
4. You are responsible for what decisions you take in relation to matters except that where there is evidence of a crime, the police will take action irrespective of your wishes.
5. If you want to phone anyone, here is a list of numbers of who to speak to, note that mine is on there for you to contact in relation to the police enquiry only.

04 October, 2006 12:37

 
Blogger staghounds said...

They can make your partner nice like he was when you met him, too.

04 October, 2006 20:21

 
Blogger retired said...

Don't forget the ability to write a five page statement by the light of two 'night light' candles as the electricity has been cut off for non-payment and the patience to crime it all and accept that the next day the complaint will be withdrawn as they are now both sober and 'love' each other

05 October, 2006 23:44

 
Blogger BelfastPeeler said...

Oh and don't forget

We have the power to tell your partner who owns the house with you that he/she MUST leave right now because you have had and argument and want them to go.

I'd love to know who told them about that scheme where every time we attnd we give you a little stamp and after 8 incidents you get a free cup of coffee at starbucks, any other forces, sorry, services running that?

06 October, 2006 12:08

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Over in the Behind the Blue Wall blog... very dv, very cop.

http://behindthebluewall.blogspot.com/2006/09/how-can-i-not-be-thinking-of-you_08.html

18 October, 2006 10:14

 
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03 April, 2009 18:47

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I should email my pal about your post.

14 December, 2009 06:19

 

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