PC Bloggs Investigates... Domestic Violence.

As a police officer, especially a police WOMAN, I am an expert on domestic violence.

I am an expert therapist, social worker, psychiatrist, child behaviourist and life coach. I could present any TV show from Supernanny to How Clean Is Your House? Except that instead of helping the children behave and cleaning the carpets, I would recognise that they have called me in far too late, and my "reveal" at the end of every show would be to invite the viewer into the same house with a different family installed.

Here are some of the lesser known skills of the modern police officer:

• They can speed up your divorce.
• They can make your children behave and your husband (or you) stop drinking.
• If your partner owns the house and you can't afford to move out, they can magically produce free accommodation, giving up their own home if necessary.
• They can arrive in five seconds flat to prevent you being beaten up, but not let your partner know you called them. They can also stop him beating you without actually "doing" anything at all.
• They can locate your teenaged children and force them to come home and stay.
• They have several hours free in which to hear your woes.
• They adore cats, the more the better.
• They can balance on the edge of a television cabinet whilst writing a six page statement.
• They can make the courts lock your partner up forever without you ever having to give evidence.
• They spend every minute of every day awake with their job mobile on and waiting for your call, and as they never forget a face they will remember your life story two years after meeting you once.
• They really care about your plight.
• They have a red telephone in the police station and when they pick it up, God or Tony Blair will answer and do everything they say.

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