This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

E-Hell

Blandshire Constabulary's email system goes in spates. This week it has reached climax. This partly because over time, I gradually find myself on more and more mailing lists, currently numbering about eighteen. These include: All Response Officers; Response Teams; Blandmore; Blandmore Response Team 4; Breathalyser-Trained Officers; All Drivers; etc.

Today, I had emails about the following things (the word counts are approximate):
  • Information on a new ASBO handed out to a local crook, 145 words.
  • Photographs of villains for identification x9.
  • Instructions to make sure all detections are logged by tonight, 469 words (there was some other stuff in there too, don't ask me what).
  • List of officers with items stored in the property freezer, with instructions to remove them if no longer needed, 1498 words.
  • Order to stop using the current stop-search form and begin using the new one, 203 words.
  • Order to wait until 1st October before using the new stop-search form, 99 words.
  • Information about the canteen's closing times, 65 words.
  • Reminder of the dispersal order in place in the Porle Estate, 388 words.
  • Information about a new law that is going to affect the way I police, 1092 words plus two attachments.
  • Summary of the new law that is going to affect the way I police, 840 words plus pictorial attachment.
  • Instructions to register for a course about the new law, with a list of dates I can't make, 420 words.
  • Request to email some guy about problems we are having with some system, 75 words.
  • A further request similar to above, but some other guy and some other system, 76 words.
  • Description of the new procedure for handling charge/bail forms in custody, 661 words.
  • Description of the new procedure for filing crime reports, 802 words.
  • Attachments from the Federation explaining why and in what ways Jacqui Smith is evil, 2310 words.
  • Reminder of what to do if our Airwave radios stop working, 199 words and a picture of something random.
  • Information that Airwave radios will be going off-line for 2 minutes at midnight, 24 words.
  • Weekly newsletter for Blandmore local area, 777 words.
  • Weekly newsletter for Blandmore command area (slightly bigger than local area), 482 words.
  • Letter from Area Commander explaining that we are expected to know information sent to us in email form and will be held to account if we don't read it, 112 words. This one had the subject line ***DO NOT DELETE WITHOUT READING***.
This is over and above the 50 or so emails I got which were specially for me, many of them telling me in what way I had failed to comply with one or other of the above.

Blandshire Constabulary can't afford to train us in person any more when important changes are made to our job. But rest reassured that they still have the money to pay people to send emails like these.


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'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

We got an email once in GMP - and I jest you not....

Significant problems with Lotus notes/the email system !!!!

I've saved the bugger for posterity!
You couldn't make it up could you..

When there were problems with the telephony system - we were asked to report them by phoning an extension number !! I emailed them and told them our phones were down - I received a reply back telling me to phone them!!!

I jest not !!

23 September, 2008 21:16

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoy our regular emails informing me that the fax machine in the front office in outer mongolia is broke. then fixed then broke then fixed then broke then replaced and off we go again.

Not sure why they keep telling me.

23 September, 2008 21:39

 
Anonymous XTP said...

I had a skipper not so long ago who was away for 4+ weeks. On his return he had a look at all the e-mails he'd received and .... deleted the lot. There were about 150 apparently. Believe it or not he only got 1 slightly miffed reply which he countered by saying he was sorry / it wouldn't happen again / mistake yadda, yadda, yadda and got no more comeback. I tried it and it works! You should all try it too. Go on - you know you want to!

23 September, 2008 22:19

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

three words:
message deleted unread.

23 September, 2008 22:23

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Most of the time, emails are about covering arses. In other words, I told Bloggs X,Y and Z so she knew.

By the way, Bloggsy, just bought your book after seeing it mentioned in the front of Gadget's and it's a great read. Very funny, been sitting on the train with snot inadvertently coming out of my nose.

24 September, 2008 10:00

 
Anonymous Retired Sgt said...

Agood wheeze is is to put on an "out of office" message.Then email someone who you dont like who you know has also got an out of office message on-then he or she will have a zillion emails as will you -the difference being that you can delete them all knowing its a wheeze-but they darent just in case....it makes the sour faced women look even sourer...

24 September, 2008 11:16

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'Then email someone who you dont like who you know has also got an out of office message on-then he or she will have a zillion emails as will you'

Genius.

24 September, 2008 17:41

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blimey, you still have a canteen?
I too have had the problem with IT, trying to report a fault with my system (i.e. I can't log on to any system whatsoever) and they tell me to email them...

24 September, 2008 20:41

 
OpenID inspectorgadget said...

It's all about the audit trail for future IPCC complaints etc pathetic.

24 September, 2008 21:09

 
Anonymous Retired Sgt said...

Yes being a genius was how I remained a Sgt for so long.....

25 September, 2008 13:38

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just had an email from the Fed to say that email is an unaccepatble form of notification for cancelled rest days or notification of OT days... quality. Que panic by SMT as they see double time going through the roof.

I've kept that one to pull in a couple of months when they've forgotten about it.... KERRRCHINGG!.

Possibly the only email I've appreciated receiving in my 7 years service.

DRUNKPLOD

25 September, 2008 18:44

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you were firearms trained, I would give you the address of the bloke who invented the internet.
Plodnomore

25 September, 2008 21:08

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I suppose it's tough if you're just a dumb bimbo of a WPC though, no?

25 September, 2008 23:02

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How long did it take you to count all the words?
j

01 October, 2008 20:49

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get round the 'Deleted unread' stuff easily. Select e-mails to be deleted (Select top candidate for deletion by highlighting with Mouse, press and hold 'Shift' key. Using side scrollbar go to bottom of list) When all candidates are selected, right click, select 'Mark as read'.

NOW delete.

Works every time.

03 October, 2008 16:06

 
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