This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Friday, August 29, 2008

Mysteriously Varnished...

In Blandmore we don't deal with many cases like the mystery of the vanished Foster family in Oswestry. On Monday night their manor house burned down and there are rumours that shotgun cartridges and blood was found in the courtyard.

A lot of our locals do go missing, however, and the reasons can be narrowed down to one of the following:
  • Their parents have draconian old values and disagree with 12yr olds running around sleeping with adult men, burgling and drinking, so the kids have no choice but to run away on a daily basis. We have no choice but to look for them.
  • They are mad and don't want to be un-madded.
  • They are due in court and likely to go to prison.
The third category are usually caught by a simple system - they are circulated as "Wanted" on the Police National Computer and will therefore be arrested at some point when checked by the police. Despite this, if someone in their family reports them as "missing", we also have to circulate them as "Missing" on the Police National Computer. The main difference between searching for people who are Wanted and people who are Missing is that Wanted people get visited at 4am, Missing people in the daytime.

Occasionally Missing people turn up dead. We had one guy who went out for a drink, got separated from his friends and got a taxi home instead. Five days later after we kept reassuring his mates he would "turn up", he turned up in a field next to a motorway, fifty metres away from a car we didn't know he owned, dead. Because of this, we have to search for Missing Persons as if they are all dead.

If only we weren't spending all our days running round after alive delinquent 12-year-olds, we might have time to find the people who are truly Missing.


By the way, some news. Updates to follow as we learn more.

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'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bloggsy, yet again you score true. mispers are a pain in the preverbial. Now if a 3 yr old gets seperated its all out and so it should be. But miss or master so and so who yet again have told us/ambulance/probation they want to top themselves and operation back cover incase they do it this time swings in to effect.
Not to mention the wibbles from the farm who were let out to have a smoke and a walk so long as they promise to pop straight back.
of all the mispers I have dealt with probably only 10% have justified the resources spent on them.

That 10% is well worth it tho

29 August, 2008 21:11

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Read this crock of poo then !!!

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1064395_pc_jailed_for_slapping_boy_12

I do not argue that a PC that cannot control is temper and slaps a kid should lose his job...

But wtf is a Stip on about "12-year-old boy from a children's home who was clearly vulnerable and needed care and looking after" ...
The little oik had drunk 1/2 a bottle of vodka then "threatening staff with fence posts" had "seven previous convictions for assault" and had "continued to be abusive and aggressive while being taken to the police station".
Yet we have a Stip making excuses for his bad behaviour !!!
We may as well all pack up and go home when clearly criminal behaviour is excused by apologising as the offender is "clearly vulnerable"

29 August, 2008 21:25

 
Anonymous Retired Sgt said...

Bloggsy-It is DEmadded not UNmadded!
Also do you get to choose who plays you on the telly?
If a film of my life was made I would choose George Clooney to play me as he is the only one who is nearly good looking enough

30 August, 2008 11:39

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How did that misper end up dead? Random field related death?

Sarah

30 August, 2008 16:03

 
Blogger blueknight said...

anxious mum - " My 10 year old should have come straight home from school, he's an hour late already"
Me, pulling a sheaf of 'national misper forms' from my folder begin asking strange questions about the colour of his tent and whether he is afraid of the dark...

30 August, 2008 20:23

 
Anonymous Dr Melvin T Gray said...

Bloggsy,
The independent variable of a function determining use of 'rationalized' in context, is rationality.

31 August, 2008 11:03

 
Anonymous dr melvin twat grey said...

where x is a positive integer on the x,y graph plot for z.

the upper regions of the Volta, flood in autumnal deluges.

psychoanalytical theory is best explained through the prism of an orange.

for this, and other overblown attempts at demonstrating a middling mind...well , don't bother.

31 August, 2008 14:29

 
Blogger uniform said...

yes, Melvin Kaminsky , Blazing Saddles.

He also started his film , History of the World, Part I, with a masturbating ape man.

But Melv , baby, you do get around ;commenting thus on this Daily Mail story ,But really , The Daily Mail .You ought to blush , really you should.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1039768/Police-raid-home-Blunkett-Bobby-infrared-helicopter-mistook-bad-insulation-cannabis-factory.html

"Doubtlessly someone else will be blamed for another example of inferior plod intelligence.

- Dr Melvin T Gray, huddersfield uk, 31/7/2008 07:31 "

and then of course , is this you ?

http://www.wiserearth.org/user/Melvin

where you attempt to be


"A small Huddersfield group concerned with promoting equality, justice and the preservation of civil liberty."

The good dr also wants some local politicking.

http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/local-west-yorkshire-news/2008/04/05/candidates-for-each-kirklees-council-ward-86081-20722576/

ALMONDBURY, 4 th candidate down.

but ,the voters , the bastards ,as a clever person once retorted ,spoke, and the good dr got 65 , yes 65 votes.

http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/local-west-yorkshire-news/2008/05/03/almondbury-result-86081-20856146/

I always knew you waz a Trevor

http://www2.kirklees.gov.uk/you-kmc/kmc-howcouncilworks/election/party11.shtml

Thanks, doc, what of by the way ?

31 August, 2008 19:18

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'Uniform':
Political points raised in criticism of police intelligence were probably lost on you. Latent design deliberately scuttled admission standards to place those who never acquired the healthy habit of questioning Authority, on the front line. You never gave this a second thought when you first put on your 'uniform' and probably never will.

31 August, 2008 23:28

 
Blogger staghounds said...

When people have varnished, no one ever seems to know why.

But when they are shellacked, the cause is clear.

02 September, 2008 17:07

 
Anonymous Dr Melvin T Gray said...

'W'PC Bloggs-
Thank you for your pejorative. A wittier Mel once wrote:
'You use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore'

05 September, 2008 20:49

 
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