This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

VAL

After many years of speculation and fruitless experimentation, I am pleased to announce the successful switch-on of the Very Ambitious Leader at Blandmore Police Station.



VAL can fire two opposing beams of instruction, generating antipathy between departments at a rate close to the speed of light.





So far VAL has just completed one circuit of the police station, but the analysts have already detected undulations in the comfortable backsides of the third floor.

Over the next few weeks, VAL will be cranked up to maximum speed, at which point he will be circulating at a rate of 11,000 crime reports per second. The departments responsible for the crime reports will be set on a collision course and the aftermath should teach us a great deal about the formation of the Twenty-First Century Police Force.

Charles Hammond, an expert in Crime Management, Investigation and Detection, states: "We can expect to see small explosions as these departments collide, and these may trigger other, larger reactions. There is a small chance that the universe will implode. But if it doesn't, we might actually start getting better at policing."

Some people don't think we should be messing with the fabric of Police-Crime. But realists say that there is no need to panic, as it is unlikely that VAL will have the effect predicted. His five predecessors never managed to cause any ripples in any kind of continuum. VAL is not likely to be any more successful, however big and bad he may look.






Pessimists say that VAL is all talk, and that you cannot really affect the big outside world from within a 27km dungeon deep in the cesspit of society.








I don't know what all the fuss is about. If VAL really does cause ripples, and there are too many collisions, surely someone upstairs can just pull the plug and plunge us all back into darkness.

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'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Antipseud said...

Look behind the fridge for the Higg's Boson, eh Love?

11 September, 2008 01:01

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sudden appearances of black holes in police stations have always been a matter for public concern. Without purpose, mindless protons do create sparticles when they are forced into constant collision with reason. But what does this tell us of the universe inside the two cells forming plod intellect?

Coming to mind is the monkey causing WW111 when access to and enough time to tinker with all the parts of a fission device, are available. The Great Police hypothesis concluded that an understanding the world is not essential to anything representing a threat to it. The mathematical model made it evident that collisions continue to occur until some ultimate event such as total mass loss, whereupon intellectual inequality is resolved in an instant.

11 September, 2008 08:45

 
Blogger Unresponsive said...

Classic post! I take it you are breaking in a new fearless leader?

At the hospital, I have survived 6 new directors of nursing, each promising to shake things up...

I'm still here - they're all gone - the hospital is still crap.

*sigh*

11 September, 2008 10:15

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Geraint
How about getting yourself a girlfriend...or are you just a teensy bit frightened of women?
Great post Bloggsy.
Steve.

11 September, 2008 11:36

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lovely spoof article - really chered me up! Made me think too, so well done again.
Paul

11 September, 2008 12:22

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Faced with the real understanding, of a REAL black hole being created by oh so clever scientific boffins; this post gave me a much needed laugh Bloggsy, essential for de-stressing! Thanks.

The Mail did an informative article about the intention to recreate the "Big Bang". It quite clearly states that "in weeks to come the beams will be aligned [within the Doomsday Machine] to collide head on. The impacts will create temperatures 100,000 times hotter than the sun AND WILL CREATE MINATURE BLACK HOLES!!!

Well that's alright then. So in fact the media have been misleading the public, [surprise, surprise] because "The End of The World" would not happen UNTIL they have created the BLACK HOLES. Nice!

From my limited understanding of what the boffins do know about space, and black holes, it is that EVERYTHING gets sucked into them and is destroyed, as the black holes get larger and LARGER. Great.
And these boffins say that "there is no danger". Yeah right.....

Ah well, let's look on the bright side. In about 4 years time, once the mini Black Holes have gobbled up the planet, the problem of this idiotic government and its Orwellian system will be irrelevant. But IF they really could CONTROL a Black Hole, [which they cannot] it might be a useful thing for garbage disposal, including all the Nuclear waste and weapons!
Personally I think that the boffins should conduct their experiments in outer space, if they want to play God and play around with MAKING BLACK HOLES.

Does this planet really need a Black Hole of its very own? [Considering Bloggsy's revelation]I think not, but I'm just one of the sane and sensible people, with COMMON SENSE, and kids who quite like this beautiful planet.

ER Indoors

12 September, 2008 03:52

 
Anonymous Retired Sgt said...

The solution to VALs is actually quite simple-when you encounter one rush off and get a bucket of water-get the VAL to look at the surface and then plunge its hands in and wiggle its pudgy lilywhite fingers about then after a few seconds get it to take its hands out dry them off and get it to look at the surface again.As it will look exactly the same as before despite all the wiggling the VAL will be totally confused and will self destruct whilst you can carry on as normal.

12 September, 2008 11:51

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A lovely, funny, post. However, the real, original, VAL (Singleton) would have been able to resolve the problems with black holes, management, etc with a couple of toilet roll tubes and a sheet of sticky-backed plastic.
Plodnomore

12 September, 2008 12:36

 
Anonymous notellin said...

Chortle, definitely a candidate for Blog post of the year.

12 September, 2008 14:57

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"unresponsive" - Sounds depressingly like the happenings at my former employer British Telecom/BT. Each new manager had to make his "mark" and change everything around. 2-3 years later he would get moved sideways and the new incumbent would change it all back again....

To those of you worried about the goings on under the Swiss border this might cheer you up: http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html

12 September, 2008 15:05

 
Anonymous pcR said...

Now I know where my pay rise went.
And the three bics I had yesterday...

The idea of bodies moving quickly round inside a police station, however, is pure science fiction. Such particles will only spill ourt of the container at a tremendous rate under certain predictable conditions; it's time for a fag break, or the bakery has just opened round the corner.

Any other movements are constrained by the first law of ACPO: A senior officer may not interact with policemen.

12 September, 2008 17:05

 
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