New Year Review.

Blandshire Constabulary was thrown into disarray last night as an unexpected New Year broke out. Officers had their leave cancelled at short notice as revellers flooded the town, leaving a wake of broken glass and urine behind them.

Superintendent Rose Tint made the following announcement:

"In the late hours of the evening, police received intelligence that a New Year might be pending. Party-goers were spotted gathering at several key locations in the town and Immediate Response Units were directed to break them up. Arrests were made and whilst we did not succeed completely in thwarting the New Year, it was dispersed without major incident. We will learn the lessons of this event and will have better contingencies in place in the future, but the police can never really plan for these random occurrences."

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I have decided that instead of looking back and reviewing 2006, I will save time and review 2007. This is in line with my sergeant's policy of predicting that I will fail to solve all my investigations from the moment I take them on, so that he can file them straight away.

In 2007 we can expect to see:

• A domestic violence murder which is the police's fault.
• A police officer in the national press for something embarrassing.
• A day when PC Bloggs arrives at work to an overflowing docket, says "Fuck it" and chucks the lot in the bin. Or in her sergeant's bin.
  
• Several phoney rape victims convicted.
• Several hundred actual rapists unconvicted.
• Two complaints against PC Bloggs which largely focus on "her attitude"
• A further complaint against PC Bloggs based on property she has destroyed because she got bored of waiting for it to be picked up.
• About 22,000 assaults on police officers.
• 2-3 police officers killed on duty.
  
• At least two sergeant-changes on PC Bloggs' shift.
• A new Home Secretary who will pledge to put more officers on the beat.
• More officers in offices.
• Another hundred or so criminal offences created.
• A force will be done under the Human Rights Act.

I can hardly wait.

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