This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Monday, January 01, 2007

New Year Review.

Blandshire Constabulary was thrown into disarray last night as an unexpected New Year broke out. Officers had their leave cancelled at short notice as revellers flooded the town, leaving a wake of broken glass and urine behind them.

Superintendent Rose Tint made the following announcement:

"
In the late hours of the evening, police received intelligence that a New Year might be pending. Party-goers were spotted gathering at several key locations in the town and Immediate Response Units were directed to break them up. Arrests were made and whilst we did not succeed completely in thwarting the New Year, it was dispersed without major incident. We will learn the lessons of this event and will have better contingencies in place in the future, but the police can never really plan for these random occurrences."

**************************************************************************************
I have decided that instead of looking back and reviewing 2006, I will save time and review 2007. This is in line with my sergeant's policy of predicting that I will fail to solve all my investigations from the moment I take them on, so that he can file them straight away.

In 2007 we can expect to see:
  • A domestic violence murder which is the police's fault.
  • A police officer in the national press for something embarrassing.
  • A day when PC Bloggs arrives at work to an overflowing docket, says "Fuck it" and chucks the lot in the bin. Or in her sergeant's bin.
  • Several phoney rape victims convicted.
  • Several hundred actual rapists unconvicted.
  • Two complaints against PC Bloggs which largely focus on "her attitude"
  • A further complaint against PC Bloggs based on property she has destroyed because she got bored of waiting for it to be picked up.
  • About 22,000 assaults on police officers.
  • 2-3 police officers killed on duty.
  • At least two sergeant-changes on PC Bloggs' shift.
  • A new Home Secretary who will pledge to put more officers on the beat.
  • More officers in offices.
  • Another hundred or so criminal offences created.
  • A force will be done under the Human Rights Act.
I can hardly wait.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright of PC Bloggs.

17 Comments:

Blogger PCFrankyFact said...

Ahh Bloggs.
The new Sgts you will get will be so much worse than the ones they replace. You do know that don't you?
Thats a fact!

01 January, 2007 18:23

 
Anonymous Sgt scrabble said...

Not if the sgt is like me, im good!

01 January, 2007 19:41

 
Anonymous TAsh said...

Tee hee. We get a new Sgt tomorrow.

01 January, 2007 23:52

 
Blogger PCFrankyFact said...

Regards Sgt Scrabble.
You may well be as it ain't often that good Sgts visit these sites because unfortunately today you have to leave behind common sense when promoted.
You either must be old school, have black on someone or must be really cunning.
Thats really hard to say when you're pissed.

02 January, 2007 02:05

 
Anonymous Banner said...

Well happy New Year to one and all. 0ne thing I can say we can look foward to here in Gardaland is more gangland murders. Happy days!

02 January, 2007 12:32

 
Blogger staghounds said...

I hope that there are no more than 3 officers killed. I fear more as things get worse.

Happy New Year.

02 January, 2007 16:56

 
Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

My force is still denying that such a thing as the New Year exists . . .

02 January, 2007 18:21

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy new year Bloggsy, keep up the good work :o)

02 January, 2007 22:43

 
Blogger totallyun-pc said...

Ha Ha Inspired Penwomanship. actually made me laugh out loud, and its a long time since a woman did that!

and Francky Fact re: "it ain't often that good Sgts visit these sites"

I hope the fleas of one thousand camels infest your Christmas Sweater!

03 January, 2007 11:26

 
Blogger PCFrankyFact said...

A thousand apologies have been tendered to TUPC for my sweeping stereotypical comments about good Sgts which I hereby withdraw.
The comments that is, not the apologies.
Regards.
Franky.

03 January, 2007 13:19

 
Anonymous AMAR said...

All men are rapists

http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/index.cfm?id=154032006

http://www.accused.com/clients/cases/rape.html

And for balance;

http://happyfeminist.typepad.com/happyfeminist/2006/01/i_believe_that_.html

Happy New Year Bloggsie.

03 January, 2007 13:23

 
Anonymous Amar said...

I'll use tinyurl next time.

03 January, 2007 17:07

 
Blogger Moira said...

Our rape conviction rate is truly something to be proud of. /sarcasm

05 January, 2007 14:14

 
Blogger Robert 'Bob' Slot said...

LOL, Nice post.

The senior officers were only just relaxing after chasing around that fat burgler with the red suit and the beard all night.

05 January, 2007 17:55

 
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