This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Monday, December 25, 2006

Bloggs' Christmas Speech:

To start with, I should say it turns out I was wrong about the Ipswich murderer. This is nothing new: I was also wrong when I thought someone was dead in their house and smashed their door to get in, but it turned out just to be their shoes on the floor.

Fortunately, unlike my Area Commander, there are no repercussions to me announcing my wronghood to the world. Unless you count "Management Advice".

Someone has asked me to say how I would change things rather than moaning all the time. This reader has picked up on something important about the police: Institutional Moaning. The police have tried their hardest to stamp out this threat and have come up with the solution that if you ignore the Moaning, it will go away. We have now reached a glorious era when it does not matter how much you complain about something valid, no one will do anything about it. This has the positive effect of preventing people from complaining about things that could be easily changed, but if changed would highlight an error by a senior manager or Home Office official.

Unfortunately a lot of the Moaners have therefore been driven underground and their diatribes of hate and misery can be found in blog-form all over the Web. The only solution is to root out these evil-doers and fire them. If you can publicly announce that they aren't really police officers at the same time, that will also help.

As for how to improve things in the future, I have a solution to that too. The truth is that we just do not produce enough reports about our police services. With only one more coming out every few days, how can we possibly hope to gather enough statistics to successfully prevent crime?

I therefore propose the panacea to heal our wounded Twenty-First Century services: The Monitoring Monitoring Act 2007. Police services will be encouraged to produce reports describing their report-producing prowess, with special prizes awarded to those who publish detailed graphs of how many graphs they have published each year.

This Act is sorely needed if we are to ever see police officers’ time spent 100% on the thing that matters: showing off how well they are doing.

Happy New Year
Copyright of PC Bloggs.


Anonymous pressofficer said...

"Police services will be encouraged to produce reports describing their report-producing prowess"

If only this weren't the case already! One of my most tedious tasks of the last 12 months was writing something about the Audit Commission's report into our process for reporting and recording ABC (Activity Based Costing - or, more commonly, those stupid 15min tick boxes that come round twice a year).

'The powers that be' somehow thought it was worth publicising that our processes for recording some stats in order to produce larger stats was newsworthy!

How I (didn't) laugh...

Oh... Merry Christmas to all!

25 December, 2006 10:34

Blogger Black in Blue said...

Institutional Monitoring hmmm and Institutional Racism, hmmmm, have something in common - the word INSTITUTIONAL - got it! You see if we monitor the process then we can promote some Chief Super to Head the monitoring process, give them a Super, a C/I promoted on transfer from another Force, 2 Inspector's, a Sergeant, and a PC. OOP's, I forgot to mention the add on police staff times 5. There you have team now of moniterer's. I count 11. New offices, new computer’s…..

[That way then someone else from the Force gets promoted to C/I. Wonderful logic, a wonderful Act! My press office are hand in hand with the top corridor I have to say. At one stage the Press Officer had the voice of the DCC, such that they advised the DCC that they did not want me in their office.

I found out a couple of years later, after the actual incident, and I was well and deservedly PISSED OFF, THAT THIS INDIVIDUAL was allowed to discriminate in this way. I was bullied but I didn’t know about it at the time. The fact is this press officer was not akin with what I was saying. They did not like the “bad news” stories that existed and I kept my mouth firmly open. So what do they do? Go and see the DCC and rant about me. Great, I think!

Funnily enough there were two minority ethnic colleagues working in the press office and only one advised me, WHEN THE GOING GOT TOUGH FOR THEM! How about this then, Institutional Media, that’s what some in the press office are, present company accepted of course……I am sorry to say on christmas Day, love to all good men and women, but that's how these racists play games with us. Gag me now!

25 December, 2006 12:08

Anonymous pressofficer said...

No offence taken by me! Much of what goes on in the job pisses me off immensely too, especially when I'm in the awkward moral position of being asked to defend to the media a policy or decision I don't personally agree with - still, think we all have situations like that with bosses.

In balance though, I feel the amount of 'real' work I am lucky enough to get involved with makes the job satisfying for me. For example, media strategies for major crime cases (having a murderer found on the back of a media appeal you've arranged is a good feeling) and providing support for victims in dealing with media at or after court.

Still, I can emphasise with your concerns. Our press office has a relatively close working with the CCs offices, but to abuse that is totally wrong (your experience is disgraceful and I'd like to think wouldn't happen where I am).

Hopefully you'd agree that the press office is one place where us civilians aren't taking police jobs and where the particular skills and experience we have can (aside from the unenjoyable stats releases and policy justification) make an impact on some work that actually matters.

I've ranted enough now too!

25 December, 2006 15:13

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll prepare an outside consultant's report on how to improve things for you:

Severely beat everybody above the rank of Inspector, every time they come to the office, use the internet, or pick up the phone. Eventually, the brass will all be hiding in their basements and will no longer be able to interfere whenever actual policing is about to happen. And then produce graphs showing just how many chief constables have been invited to blanket parties. Once you can document that command staff, taken as a whole, are 47% more afraid to interfere with the troops than they were six months ago...

Let me guess...not likely.

Perhaps prepare a graph of just how much flour or cornstarch or talc or ripe cheese was placed in the air-conditioning vents of the Chief Supernintendo's car, on a hot day?

I don't know how you put up with the nonsense. I'm on the job in the most defendant-friendly state in the US, and until I found yours and David Copperfield's blogs I never knew how good I had it.

And may you and yours have a bland-but-pleasant inclusive holiday of the season which you celebrate according to your own traditions (which may not be the same as mine, and that's okay) in which you experience whatever your culture chooses to experience at this time of the year (respecting the fact that your culture may not identify this season as being out of the ordinary and may not even recognize the concept of seasons, which does not make them inferior in any way) and...crap, I think I ran out of steam. However, you can now tell the HO that I'm 33% more sensitive than all y'all.

25 December, 2006 15:16

Anonymous Sue said...

Im too full from scoffing trifle to comment on your post so will just tap out a hearty but sober 'Merry Christmas to you and yours'

25 December, 2006 16:47

Blogger Bystander said...

If you think that police officers moan a lot (and I do not disbelieve you - oh no) you ought to sit in with a lunch break grumble out back of a magistrates'court. We grumble all of the time - well under five percent of the grumbling is about the police. It's usually the CPS,HMCS, or the traffic.

27 December, 2006 01:18

Blogger staghounds said...

I see an outside consultancy study here, to measure the levels of IM in identified sectors of the criminal justice system. The study could quantify IM in Magistrates, police, criminals, victims, defence lawyers, cps, pcso, etc. Then the IMPs (Inatitutional Moaning Producers) could be broken down as to race, gender, sexual preference, and whatever other diversometer registering categories we could sell.

Then, of course, the study would recommend a further working group to study the study and generate an action plan to reduce IM. Followed by another study to evaluate the action plan...

This is an entire indoor career for some clever person, and for a couple of lackeys too. Merry Christmas.

27 December, 2006 13:47

Blogger PCFrankyFact said...

Does anybody else have to submit a form requesting your line supervisor consult the duty book to see if there are sufficient staffing levels to enable you to then submit an annual leave form?
I'm lost in paperwork.

27 December, 2006 14:40

Anonymous The Jabberwock said...

Don't get me started on the Civil Service. No, truly , you don't.

28 December, 2006 18:18

Anonymous The Jabberwock said...

Meaning you don't want to me to get started on the Civil Service. It's enough to make you weep.

28 December, 2006 18:21

Blogger totallyun-pc said...

Chill out its New Year.

On January the 2nd We can "stick it to the man again!", wahoo.....

(can't do it on the 1st, its a bank holiday and due to financial constraints, "sticking it to the man" strength has been reduced to skeleton staff!)

30 December, 2006 10:11

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Bloggsy, if you're even half as cute/fit as you are intelligent & funny, then I hope your b/f realises how lucky he is.

I hope 2007 is better for you than 2006 was.

30 December, 2006 15:05

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just for you - link

30 December, 2006 15:21

Blogger Drugsblogger said...

Hallo Bloggs, glad you liked my question about how you would improve things. A very witty and interesting reply. Here's a thought about paperwork though.

It's a cold, miserable, wet evening in Blandtown. You are on foot patrol at about 1.00a.m. with a colleague who likes to arrest people early on the shift, when you come across three or four lads who you know.They're a bit lippy and a bit pissed and have previous. So could be drunk and disorderly or whatever.

Your colleague is all for a quick bust.

Do you:

a) Ignore them?
b) Give them a warning to keep it quiet.
3) Nick one of them because it means you can go back to the station for a couple of hours of paper work in the warm with a nice cup of tea? Which is what your colleague wants to do.

Let me know what you think, I'm genuinely interested.

Happy New Year

30 December, 2006 16:54

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15 April, 2009 11:16


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