This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

False Economies.

Blandshire Constabulary is great at saving money.

Their golden rules are:
  • No overtime - why make officers to transport their own prisoners to custody at the end of the shift, when the next shift to drive out to them and take over? It might take twenty minutes longer than the hour it would have, but we will save the time-and-a-third we would have had to pay in overtime.
  • Do not refurbish anything, especially custody suites. It isn't worth spending money on this when you can simply pay two officers for a few hours' work driving back and forth to another town each time they arrest someone.
  • Shut down all the facilities (gyms, canteens etc). Then they will have no choice but to work through their meal break.
  • Make it mandatory to obtain three signatures to claim money for absolutely anything, or to order new uniform. The bulk of people will not bother.
  • Cancel all training days and train via online questionnaires. It isn't as if changes in the law are that important.
  • Run your marked police vehicles until the last possible mile until they actually die on the street during a response drive. Also, keep your fleet of vehicles to an absolute minimum. If you can reduce it so far that some officers have no access to a car for their entire shift, you have also saved on diesel costs!
  • Following on from the above, do not bother putting cones, fire extinguishers or door-enforcers in any of the cars. Just have one per county which the officers can drive to pick up if needed.
  • Where you used to need two sergeants for a shift of twelve, cut this down to one. Then cut the shift down to eight. Soon you will not need a sergeant at all.
  • Teach your supervisors to manage by email. This is cheaper than face-to-face reprisals or encouragement.
  • Encourage an atmosphere of demotivation, depression and internal bitching, in the hope of having to pay fewer salaries.
  • Finally, do not forget what all this money is for: giving large payouts in compensation to criminals, and paying your legal fees when you cock up.
Copyright of PC Bloggs.


Blogger Black in Blue said...

Merry Christmas...........

21 December, 2006 10:50

Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

How cynical of you PC Bloggs. Shame on you for hitting the nail on the head

21 December, 2006 13:22

Anonymous Ellee said...

Just "blogging off" for a few days, and would like to wish you a merry Christmas.

21 December, 2006 14:59

Anonymous PSD Snoop said...

Employ PCSO's instead of Police Officers ???

21 December, 2006 18:39

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your writing style - as for this example I do feel that you should have given credit where credit is due. To me it looks like a memo from the Home Office to Chiefs

21 December, 2006 19:17

Blogger PC South West said...

psd snoop, stole my thought!!

21 December, 2006 20:57

Anonymous Cogidubnus said...

Merry Christmas PC Bloggs - Great site - hope 07 brings the success that 06 lacked...

22 December, 2006 03:15

Blogger Moira said...

Also you forgot in admin: hire temps rather than cheaper permanent staff so that you can get rid of them when you run out of money. Make sure you don't train the staff because competent efficient staff are SUCH a waste of money. Make sure that admin's so rubbish that the public never ring them choosing instead to harrass the OIC about their whipcash RTC. This saves a fortune and is totally totally brilliant!!11!!

22 December, 2006 09:47

Blogger Drugsblogger said...

Hey, there Bloggs, a few things for you to ponder in the New Year.

1. OK, what's your realistic suggestion(s) for how things should be improved instead of moaning on?

2. What worries me about the police blogs I've been reading recently, and I'm new to police blogs is that you all seem to be transferring the institutional canteen culture from the canteen to cyberspace, i.e. just re-inforcing each other's views and prejudices.

3. Despite 1 and 2 I really enjoy your blog and urge you to keep going, it may be that blogging might change some of the things you're so unhappy about.

4. Have a good and safe Christmas - keep those jackets zipped up.

22 December, 2006 15:04

Blogger busybizzie said...

Also; Don't fork out on new unproven technologies such as phones or computers. Two per shift should do.
Get rid of all those annoying paper forms. Put them all on computer.

Merry xmas

23 December, 2006 09:16

Blogger PC Plod said...

PC Bloggs, I think you and I work for the same force...

23 December, 2006 11:25

Anonymous Anonymous said...

very surreal. ever since we got that english met export to the northern ireland police force the job has declined and ticks every one of your money savers.
the jobs f***ed

31 December, 2006 12:16

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