PC Bloggs Investigates... Inappropriate Adults.

With everybody talking about the state of the nation's children, I went deep undercover in Upper Blandmore at the weekend to find out the secret to good parenting.

The first step was to locate a "good" child who had "never done drugs", "doesn't drink" and "goes to school". I found this child on the Porle estate, when I called round to share a cup of tea with his erstwhile parents and arrest him for breaching his ASBO.

It turns out that a good parent should train their children never to open the door to strange police officers. This can be best taught through leading-by-example and if the door must be opened, it should be followed up with the remark, "Ryan's not here." It is then vital to discover what has brought the officer to your door, in order to select the appropriate response from the list below:

• "That bitch deserved it and anyway it was an accident."
• "Ryan was here with me when that happened."
• "I want to press charges against them for harassing my Ryan."
• "This isn't Ryan, it's his twin brother Noel."
• "You can't arrest him now, I've got the baby to look after."
  

If you are unable to fool or intimidate the officer into going away, the next best thing is to get yourself arrested as well as Ryan, to support your son in his endeavours. It will also mean you can both visit his father in the nick. Failing that, refuse to attend the police station with Ryan as it will be good for the boy to learn about Social Services.

On attending the police station when all other options have failed, bear in mind the role of the Appropriate Adult is:

• To interrupt the Custody Sergeant when he is talking.
• To protest your child's innocence at every possible moment.
• To answer questions during interview and speak over any lies your child tells with the words, "This is ridiculous".
• Warn your child that even though he didn't do it, his father will "kill" him.
  

If you are doing your job properly you should be evicted from interview at least once. Your child will not always thank you for your strenuous parenting, but any sign of embarrassment should be taken as confirmation that you are succeeding.

If worst comes to the worst and dear Ryan is charged with the offence, make sure to book him a dentist appointment on the day of court. If he must attend, at least dress him in his finest tracksuit for the big day to give the magistrate the right impression, and sit in the back of court where you can aim death stares at the witnesses. Always remember that it is the shitbag teenager you have raised who should take priority over your well-behaved younger children.

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