This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

PC Bloggs Investigates... Inappropriate Adults.

With everybody talking about the state of the nation's children, I went deep undercover in Upper Blandmore at the weekend to find out the secret to good parenting.

The first step was to locate a "good" child who had "never done drugs", "doesn't drink" and "goes to school". I found this child on the Porle estate, when I called round to share a cup of tea with his erstwhile parents and arrest him for breaching his ASBO.

It turns out that a good parent should train their children never to open the door to strange police officers. This can be best taught through leading-by-example and if the door must be opened, it should be followed up with the remark, "Ryan's not here." It is then vital to discover what has brought the officer to your door, in order to select the appropriate response from the list below:
  • "That bitch deserved it and anyway it was an accident."
  • "Ryan was here with me when that happened."
  • "I want to press charges against them for harassing my Ryan."
  • "This isn't Ryan, it's his twin brother Noel."
  • "You can't arrest him now, I've got the baby to look after."
If you are unable to fool or intimidate the officer into going away, the next best thing is to get yourself arrested as well as Ryan, to support your son in his endeavours. It will also mean you can both visit his father in the nick. Failing that, refuse to attend the police station with Ryan as it will be good for the boy to learn about Social Services.

On attending the police station when all other options have failed, bear in mind the role of the Appropriate Adult is:
  • To interrupt the Custody Sergeant when he is talking.
  • To protest your child's innocence at every possible moment.
  • To answer questions during interview and speak over any lies your child tells with the words, "This is ridiculous".
  • Warn your child that even though he didn't do it, his father will "kill" him.
If you are doing your job properly you should be evicted from interview at least once. Your child will not always thank you for your strenuous parenting, but any sign of embarrassment should be taken as confirmation that you are succeeding.

If worst comes to the worst and dear Ryan is charged with the offence, make sure to book him a dentist appointment on the day of court. If he must attend, at least dress him in his finest tracksuit for the big day to give the magistrate the right impression, and sit in the back of court where you can aim death stares at the witnesses. Always remember that it is the shitbag teenager you have raised who should take priority over your well-behaved younger children.

Copyright of PC Bloggs.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not to forget the half hearted, “You can’t come in without a warrant”. I love that one. It reminds me of pantomime season. “oh yes we can”.

Great post.

12 December, 2006 17:17

Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you find the time to both put in a full day's work, and comment so absolutely accurately (and so literately)?

You are either superwoman or there is more than one of you!

12 December, 2006 17:23

Blogger busybizzie said...

Are you available for babysitting?

12 December, 2006 18:13

Blogger gonorr said...

True now and true over ten years ago. I had to go to court and give evidence against ye olde wrong dooer.

I turned up looking like I'd fallen out of Gieves and Hawkes, he looked like he fallen out of the gutter.

Oh, and he got done for the offence, so all in all, a good day out.

12 December, 2006 19:35

Anonymous justacop said...

You're average criminal can be really stupid, as well as inappropriate. I arrived with a colleague at a job a day or so ago to arrest a wanted person.

We knocked on the door to be greated with a deep male voice shouting "Go away", yes it was that polite. I knocked again and then I heard footsteps approach. A short time later a petite female opened the door and I enquired after her husband.

She replied "He's not in". I pointed out to her that he had actually just shouted at us to go away. She immediately realised the flaw in her plan and let us in to arrest him. It really brightened my day, haven't laughed like that for ages.

12 December, 2006 21:18

Anonymous Anonymous said...

very good! Spot on.

12 December, 2006 22:25

Anonymous Anonymous said...

One night whilst on diligent mobile patrol my chum & me saw a dark figure unloading some dodgy looking stuff from the back of a car. On seeing us he ran up a garden path & into a side kitchen entrance. I was in close pursuit but couldn’t i/d him it was to dark.

As I got to the door I could see the dark figure through the frosted glass locking the door behind him. Now this creates the obvious problem because in this day & age crime is very hard to prove. So if there had been a houseful I would have struggled to identify the unknown figure & he would have walked.

Anyway, enjoying the moment I shouted through the door, “you’re locked up”. Bum bum. I then had to thing of a plan of attack. We front & backed the house & I knocked very very loudly on front door. (I like banging continually until they answer, it’s a you’ll give in before me kind of thing). Eventually a bloke known to myself & a complete thief answers the door, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. (I roll my eyes to back of head, oh please!). Here’s the clever bit.

Knowing that average thieving criminal always makes silly attempt to lie to all knowing superior being in uniform (fibbing is futile) I ask,

“Is there anyone else in the house”,

“Na” says crim.

“Good”, says I. “You’re locked up on suspicion of burglary”.

In we go with all legal precedents set for a sec 32 search.

“Wait, Wait there’s someone upstairs he came running in the house while I was in bed”.

“Oh did he”.

Up the molly dancers I trot. Hello hello hello. Who’s this hiding behind bathroom door? Ah yes could it be the darkened figure from earlier. I suspect it is.

“You’re locked up as well’.

Back down, search the gaff. And in kitchen is loads of gear just stolen from a warehouse all boxed & stacked. Which was nice.

Sleepy crim says, “See it wasn’t me, I haven’t done owt, you can let me go now”

“Na you’re still locked up”.

“What for’?


13 December, 2006 16:52

Blogger staghounds said...

Here we call them "courthouse families". The term also includes those relatives who allowed uncle Bob to live under a bridge- UNTIL he was run over by the postal truck.

14 December, 2006 19:19

Blogger thoughts running through my head.... said...

ah,so true wherever you work!

17 December, 2006 14:22

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