This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Saturday, December 09, 2006

More Breaking News!

From the desk of detective extaordinaire PC Bloggs, I bring you the latest in her ongoing investigation into the driver who crashed nine years ago: the DNA is finally back from the lab and he was drunk!

This is an improvement on the DNA sample I took a few weeks ago which was destroyed during a "clear out" of "old" exhibits in the crammed Blandmore freezer. I have only myself to blame for overlooking the golden rule of investigation, which is that if you are too busy to do an enquiry for two or three weeks, the enquiry can be thrown in the bin.

Here is how I investigate crashes where the driver has been drinking:
  1. Arrive on scene and note how the car has left the road for no apparent reason.
  2. Breath/blood/urine-test the driver.
  3. Charge with drink-driving.
If the driver is dead at the scene, step 3 can be omitted to simplify things further. I think you will agree that my powers of detection are above reproach and I am thinking of joining the Parisian police to show them how to cut down their drink-drive investigations from nine years to an hour.

Note: If you receive an unusual result and suspect the blood samples have been swapped, believe me there is more than a small chance that they HAVE been swapped accidentally while left in a heap on the Scenes of Crime officers' table.

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

9 Comments:

Anonymous xoggoth said...

This is one of the many things that bothers me about the use of a widespread DNA bank, some ridiculous system where suspect and scene of crime samples are tested in the same lab.

Also just the slight suspicion, perish the thought, that such evidence might be relied upon to the extent that gathering other evidence might be skimped. Then 10 years down the line when doubt is cast on the infallibility of such evidence by some new research there won't be anything else to go on.

09 December, 2006 21:53

 
Blogger staghounds said...

I believe your superiors will be very angry when they hear of this, PC Bloggs. Failing to charge the driver when, in your UNQUALIFIED OPINION, the driver is dead, is a terrible error. Until a qualified medical doctor pronounces the driver (or formerly connected constituent pieces thereof) dead, and files the certification thereof, the driver is legally alive. Failing to charge him may permit a drink driver to evade the full rigour of the law!

More importantly, it deprives your superiors of a crime and a detection!

I am ashamed, though not surprised. This is typical of some police officers' desire to elevate what they perceive as "reality" to a plane of importance which only administrative paperwork should occupy.

10 December, 2006 15:55

 
Anonymous BigBruv said...

Just a quick comment on the Diana case- is it just me wondering why the heck Lord Stevens has been swanning around Paris in order to find that, yep, the driver was indeed drunk, and that no, MI5/CIA/aliens had not been involved in a conspiracy to prevent the marriage of the 'Queen of Hearts' (what a nauseating title that was!) to , perish the thought, an Egyptian...

10 December, 2006 17:48

 
Blogger busybizzie said...

I still thnk it was a conspiracy. I mean. Drunk driver, high speed, hard object and no seatbelt and we're meant to believe these things could all 'just happen' at the same time. Pah! She was the queen of our hearts for gods sake!

10 December, 2006 18:32

 
Blogger gonorr said...

They say the car she was in was a ringer.

The front was a merc but the back was a fucked princess.

Cheque please.

10 December, 2006 21:11

 
Blogger staghounds said...

What does the princess' carriage turn into at midnight?

The wall...

14 December, 2006 13:45

 
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