Here's a starter for 10.

North Wales Police have lost the plot. We all know that traffic officers have been using a points system for a couple of years now (when I say we all, I am assuming we all watch Road Wars, which is where I do most of my research). It always seemed fairly harmless for traffic - they have little else by which to measure their performance.

For those of you who can't be arsed to follow the above link (most of you are police officers, after all), they are now working on a points system whereby you get 10 for an arrest or detection, 10 for giving out a fixed penalty notice, and - my favourite - MINUS 5 for unreliable intelligence. That will teach PCs to be lied to!

But now Supercopnanny has arrived in North Wales, and Mummy and Daddy have taken her advice a little too literally.

Within minutes of Supercopnanny's arrival, she is horrified by the way the Senior Management Team discipline their PCs, and she sits down to have a serious chat. The trouble, she identifies, is that there is no praise. She recommends for the SMT to get rid of the daily nitpicking emails that criticise every little thing the PCs do, and to bring in a Points system so that the PCs will know when they have been good.

The PCs quickly identify that their time spent on investigations that are going nowhere and placating traumatised victims is time wasted. Since an arrest and a ticket are valued the same, instead of spending 4 hours arresting someone, transporting them to custody, fighting with them, booking them in, and going back to get statements, they simply give out a fixed penalty ticket to a passing motorist.

But when Supercopnanny returns to see how things are going, she finds that her plan has rather backfired. The SMT are up to their ears in complaints, undetected crime and they have no way to gather intelligence about drug dealers or impending terrorist plots, as the PCs have cottoned on that unreliable intelligence is the key to their downfall.

Supercopnanny takes out her crayon and paper and thinks again...

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Would you join the Force?

Today Wah posted:

Can i ask you people a question as rozzers. Pretty much off topic, but you are best placed to give me a straight answer. I've been waiting to go to Hendon for 3.5 years (i passed selection in mid-2003). Now have a start date later this year, but i'm in two minds now having waited so long. I work in a fairly mundane, repetitive role in the city (of London), but okay paid. I'm 30 years old and looking to make a career, the one i have is stagnant. So my question is...would you join the police, knowing what you know from a position such as mine? Clearly you don't know everything about me, it's more what you know as the lifestyle of a police officer. I have to make a decision very soon whether to jump, and it's driving me nuts as i don't want to jump into the unknown (as exciting as it could be) to find out i'm no better off. I've spent today reading UK police officer blogs to get an idea, but not really any getting any clarity.
Great site by the way! [We liike Wah]

All I will say on the subject is, Wah, don't read police blogs to make your decision - we are all cynical bastards and love moaning about everything. If you have the police itch, the only way to know is to join up. It can never count against you to have a few years in the police if you decide to move on. Even though we are all apparently racist, sexist, lazy and dishonest, for some reason employers still want us!

You could end up like this, or like this. But don't let that put you off.

You also get to do a lot of this, this and this.

Hopefully some of my readers can help you decide.

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Thank goodness for WPCs!

Every now and again Blandshire Constabulary asks us WOMEN whether we wish to use the "W" in front of our title, whether it should be voluntary or whether compulsorily dropped. I was interested to find on the Web that most forces "officially" dropped this prefix back in the 70s or 80s. Why, then, do I still hear "WPC Bloggs!" ringing out across the briefing room in times of sexual offence emergency?

Well, the fact is, the Force couldn't do without us female bobbies. We may not be strong enough to bosh doors, or intelligent enough to get many of the top jobs, but fortunately due to our fine-tuned feminine wiles, we are ready and waiting to be dispatched to as many rapes, sexual assaults and child protection jobs as is humanly possible.

This is why the "W" is so vital. How else would the controller know which officer to dispatch to said rape? Imagine the outrage of these over-sensitive hussies if the words, "Can a female officer attend..." were put out over the air! With the precious "W", the controller can feign ignorance and just pretend the WOMAN was the only available unit.

The sergeant has a vital role to play here. He/she must recognise that MALE police officers are incapable of hearing the word "Vagina" or "Penetrate" without dissolving in terror and feeling the need to rush off and fight someone. This also goes for cases where CHILDREN are left unattended waiting for Social Services. Though a man may be married and making a pretence of raising a family, he has nothing compared to the prowess we WOMEN display when dealing with darling little kiddies; even those of us who are single and/or child-hating still have a natural affinity for young creatures of all species.

I am all for this kind of discrimination. It has done wonders for my career. Whereas the men on shift are lucky if they attend one or two rapes a year, I have a glut of "evidence" for my PDR (development record). On one shift I attended three rapes in a row, despite being one of eight officers on duty. As it happens, I was crewed with another WOMAN. The result - CID love me, I have experience of all kinds of sexual depravity, am proficient interviewing children, seizing clothing and swabs of all descriptions... where the poor men on my team feel the early onset of heart failure if sent to a job like this as they have had absolutely no practice.

Interestingly, although officially the "W" was banned in 1989 in my force, they are kind enough to let it still appear on my personnel screen, for fear I miss out on the essential training I am entitled to.

Where WOULD we be without WPCs?

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Part One of My Solicitors' Guide

For my non-police readers, solicitors are the guys and gals who show up at the police station to thwart the investigation before it gets as far as court. They are called when the arrested person requests it and their first actions are:

1. Read the custody record.
2. Meet with the police officer in the case (Disclosure).
3. Meet with the "client" (Prisoner).

They have to then advise their client what the best course of action is for the interview. He or she can either:

• Tell the truth.
• Make up a lie.
• Say "No Comment".

If the client chooses to say "No Comment" and later come up with something in court such as, "He hit me first", the court might hold it against them that they didn't tell the police that in the first place. I say "might", because I have yet to see this happen.

The solicitor has to advise his or her client in their "best interest", which means the lowest possible sentence, charge, or get them off completely. Here is a handy guide for budding solicitors to take with them to the police station.

You can also advise "No Comment" if:

• The custody record shows the client has not slept for 8 hrs.
• The custody record shows the client has not eaten.
• The custody record shows a breach of PACE.

This is the Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1984 and if the police have breached it, you have hit the jackpot. No matter how heinous a crime your client has committed, you will be able to get them off at court, therefore do not advise them to do anything as stupid as admitting the offence.

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Celebrity Burglaries.

What a nightmare it must be to be the first on scene to a Celebrity Burglary.

You know immediately that everything you do will be splashed all over the daily tabloids, which means you have to drastically alter the way you planned to deal with the crime.

This is how I normally deal with a burglary:

Step One: Attend, look at broken window/door, nod and make encouragingly expert noises.
Step Two: Record details of what has been stolen.
Step Three: Explain to the victim that we will be doing house-to-house enquiries, local intelligence checks, CCTV, and identifying people from line-ups.
Step Four: Do no further work, but hand over the whole investigation to Scenes of Crime.

Unfortunately your average Celebrity Burglary is likely to require all of those actions and more, as there is also a high chance that the burglary was done by a Stalker. This combines a crime which is impossible to investigate with a crazed lunatic and intense press coverage.

I think I'll just say I'm stuck in the office doing paperwork when that one comes in.

PC Bloggs investigates... Chav Culture.

As I zoomed to an address for the third time in the same night yesterday, it occurred to me that I was the privileged observer of the mysterious Chav tradition known as "Call-the-police" Day.

Most normal Brits may dial 999 for the police just two or three times in their lives, when attacked by muggers or in a bad car accident. They may dial a few more times on witnessing other people in trouble, but for themselves just those occasions which stand out in their lives as times of extreme terror.

Not so the Chavs.

For the average Chav, calling the police forms an essential part of his or everyday life. Most usually done during a long bored evening following eight pints of beer, it is both a form of communication and a way to assert superiority over other Chavs. It is frequently a response to their opponent calling the police, and Chavs compete for the title of "victim" by trying to beat each other to the phone in times of aggression.

This daily ritual climaxes on "Call-the-police" Day. For years experts have tried to fathom the indicators that this day is about to dawn, as it falls on a different day for each individual Chav. He or she will commence proceedings with a quick call in the morning along the lines of, "My ex-partner stared at me when I dropped the kids off at school". They follow up at lunch-time with, "I have received three text messages from my ex-partner saying sorry for staring at me and I feel she/he is harassing me." If time allows, a third call at tea-time to say that the ex-partner has driven past the house, which is usually accompanied by a coded gesture (middle finger or shaken fist) at the partner to let them know that the celebrations are due to kick off that night.

Then, after tea, "Call-the-police" Day is launched in all its glory. One party will perform the "banging on door" custom, performed with a clenched fist and guttural roars which should be just loud enough to wake the neighbours, and just obscene enough to offend every sector of society. The other party will dial 999, which is the signal for their friends and family to join the celebrations by attacking the Door-banger. The police will attend and usually arrest the Door-banger, sometimes taking a few of the family away too.

The next phase is to wait about two hours, then call 999 yet again. This time the original caller will have gone round to the other party's house and they return the Door-banging ritual whilst simultaneously telling the police what they are doing. The trick is to have left before the other family come out or the police attend. This will trigger the final phase in the tradition, when both families meet in the park and have an all-out rumble. At least three members of the family should call the police, and if the whole ritual has been done right, this is the point at which random members of public and neighbours begin to dial 999, demonstrating the ripple effect that unites the community in celebration.

For beginner investigators, a top tip to spot the passing of a "Call-the-police" Day is that every custody suite in the police force will be full and the shift that come on duty in the morning will be handed at least five hundred sheets of paper relating to the job.

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How to Get A Ticket.

Following on from my item on speeding, here are the top ten remarks that will guarantee you a ticket, if that is your goal in life:

1. I pay your salary.
2. Haven't you got anything better to do?
3. I'm going to miss my flight now.
4. Please don't - I've already got 9 points.
5. I've got three babies in the back, don't let them see this.
6. My wife/child/aunt is dying in hospital!
7. Someone else was driving. He ran off that way.
8. While you're here, I'm being harassed by my neighbour.
9. I was too busy talking on my mobile phone and didn't notice the speed.
10. The accelerator was stuck on.

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Murderous Motorists.

Every now and then a lobby group asks the government to reduce speed limits, increase sentences for motoring offences, and put more speed bumps into roads. The government often acts on this, as let's face it, it is cheaper than giving into other lobby groups such as those who oppose the war in Iraq or the animal rights brigade.

As a police officer, I am naturally disgusted at people who speed, use their mobile phone while driving, and otherwise terrorise our neighbourhoods with their driving. There is a huge criminal fraternity at large here which goes unpunished other than a few points on their license. I am disgusted that these impatient fools are not treated as murderers and locked away for life. If you are stupid enough to kill someone who runs suddenly in front of your car, no penalty is too severe.

The only way to deter these terrorists is to imprison those who speed. It is worth two-and-a-half years or more and thousands of pounds of tax-payers money to bring them to justice if that is what it takes.

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Oh Dear.

Following on from my item last week on Women Police Officers, I had planned to do something equally scathing about Men today, but then I saw this and thought the poor bastards had suffered enough.

(Buy the print version, you get pics.)

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Overtime Survey.

In 2003 the Home Office declared that the police overtime bill must be cut by 15% over three years.

Since then we have had a war in Iraq, genocide in London, a G8 summit, an Olympic bid, numerous terror raids and bomb scares, a fire at a refinery, a tsunami, and three Home Secretaries.

Morale seems to be at an all-time low (see Essex Police), people are leaving the job left, right and centre.

Even in Scotland the situation has spiralled out of control.

Yet many forces continue to cut down on overtime even where it has become an essential factor in resourcing.

For my next survey, I ask:
"How much overtime are you working and are you happy about it?"

Please email or comment. The results to be published next week.

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BREAKING NEWS!!

I am disgusted at the excessive news coverage given to the story of bombs found on a German train on 31st July.

Firstly, the story broke on about 18th August which I really think is too rushed.

Secondly, two inches of column space on page 15 of The Telegraph is just another demonstration of how our media "bigs up" terrorism.

Thirdly, the bombs were due to go off ten minutes before arriving at the station, so the bombers only meant to kill the hundreds on the train and not the crowds on the platform. To call this "terrorism" is stretching it.

Fourthly, the bombs only tried to go off - they did ignite but failed to explode due to errors in their manufacture. This shows that it was only a half-hearted mass murder attempt.

We have heard enough about train bombings with the Madrid nonsense - this kind of dross is OLD NEWS.

By the way, in case any of you were suffering under a misapprehension: "the idea that [Germany] is a blessed island has always been unrealistic and incorrect." Glad the Interior Minister cleared that up.

If anyone's interested, they've caught the guy.

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The Way Forward.

I would like to propose a new approach to replace "problem-oriented" policing, "neighbourhood" policing and other such buzzwords. These approaches rely on the police identifying local issues and targeting them. This is problematic for two reasons:

1. Quite often the police are the local issue.
2. An issue is an issue because the police have been unable to target it.

Another problem with the way we currently police is that when a member of public makes an allegation, police officers sometimes attempt to find out whether or not an offence has actually taken place before they investigate it. This leads to the situation where members of public find that the person they have accused is not immediately arrested. This is an unacceptably poor service.

I therefore propose a new method of policing:
"Chinese Whisper" Policing.

It was used effectively on this flight for Manchester.

The steps of Chinese Whisper Policing are as follows:

Step One: A member of public forms a suspicion.
Step Two: This is the clever bit - instead of telling the police, they tell other members of public.
Step Three: The other members of public are shocked that the police have taken no action.
Step Four: The police come to hear of the suspicion either via the press, or by further members of public who tell them how shocked the other members of public were at the member of public's suspicion not being acted on.
Step Five: The police make arrests.

The advantage of this system is that it bypasses the need for the police to check whether any offence has actually taken place. This is because by the time Step Four happens, the original suspicion has undergone the "Chinese Whisper" effect and is now so serious that the police cannot possibly take the risk of inaction.

This system has been implemented successfully by several forces, most notably in Forest Gate, but also on a daily basis countrywide where it has been in use for some years unofficially. The government has demonstrated repeatedly how Chinese Whisper Policing can be applied to foreign affairs, saving millions of pounds avoiding lengthy investigations when with public support they can jump straight to action.

Isn't it time police authorities woke up to this cost-effective and efficient method of policing our streets?

Stay safe out there.

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Copright of PC Bloggs.

Police press jargon explained.

The police figure daily in our national press, but what do all those little phrases used about them really mean? Here is a short glossary:

"Scotland Yard is refusing to comment."
It is news to the senior investigating officer as much as it is to the journalist, and they need a minute to find out whether it is true or not.

"An unofficial police source."
A disgruntled PC who's been on a scene watch for fifteen hours with no sign of tea, biscuits, or reprieve.

"Police are hunting..."
All avenues of enquiry have failed and it is now down to the public to take over the investigation.

"Police describe it as..."
The Super was caught off guard for a comment by the press and a random sergeant somewhere who had a passing knowledge of the case was asked to voice his/her opinion.

"Police chief accuses..."
It's everyone elses fault but mine.

"The IPCC is investigating..."
Someone wasn't happy with the senior officer's decision to brush the allegation under the carpet and went anonymously to the press, with the result that the force has to pull its finger out and bring in the IPCC before they get accused of instituitional something-ism.

"Police are investigating."
It's sitting in someone's docket somewhere.

"Police are hopeful."
Police are not hopeful.

"Police will not confirm."
Yes.

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Some are more equal than others...

I think this rather speaks for itself:

Get More Police Videos Here

www.PoliceVids.com

I bet THEIR fitness test is higher than 5.4.

Results of my survey.

Last week I posted: "Are there any happy coppers out there".

Here are some excerpts from the replies I got (have summarised some comments here - for full text read previous posts' comments):

• I am that rarity a cop who is happy at his job. That said I am down to 3 years to go so the end is in sight. And I am now in an office job with no nightshift, pleasant colleagues, and a work level that ticks over but is not stressful... Would I be happy in any of my kids joined now? I don't know.

• ...when I'm out there actually DOING the job, there's nothing I'd rather be doing. It's fun, it's funny, it's exhilarating, I laugh constantly, I have a fantastic squad with a real team feeling. We back each other up, we help each other out. Trust is implicit and never in doubt.We provide a good service, we know it. This is my second career, I'm in my mid thirties now. If I don't balls it up I look forward to doing it for as long as I can. That's when I'm doing the job and not being a desk jockey for some other slacker who's too fucking lazy to do anything themselves and passes it straight down the line to the lowly response officer. After all, they're too busy managing spreadsheets and statistics to pick the phone up for two seconds themselves. But always find the time e-mail you to do it.

• I am a happy Policeman. I have 87 working days until retirement, my mortgage is paid, my kids have grown up & flown the nest, I have a rather nice new car in the garage parked next to a very nice new motorcycle, I am about to be given a "shitfull" of money, my wife left me some years ago & isn't interested in attacking my pension & I can stop trying to be politically correct & leer at women with large breasts without young Officers & Supervisors tut tutting at me.

• Personally I am approaching my pleasure zenith aged a mere 54 and a half having decided to cash in our overpriced property and head off to the beach 4 years ago......(the quiet end of Southern Spain you understand) so am very happy, and would be pleased to have my 5 star happiness logged on your happometer........if fully paid up members of NARPO qualify on the cheery chappie scale!

• I'm pretty cheerful about my job, but I work in the (very) West and rural. Most of your moans about the bosses are right though. I never get grief or stress off the criminals, just the bosses.

• I'm very happy thank you. Mainly because I'm in a well run force (believe it or not) and I enjoy my work. Pity those in Essex :-( [Where is this guy? Let me over there!]

• Well, I'm very happy, but then I'm still training and haven't seen life on section yet! [Just wait...]

• I am happy in spite of a lot of things; the pay is poor considering the current local real estate market; Our laws can be baffling, senseless and stifling - and case law forces small but vexing changes all the time. Liability to lawsuits forces a mindset of backside-covering in some of the management ranks that is truly head-shaking. Office politicking gets in the way of things sometimes, but where doesn't it? ... Members of the public foist unrealistic expectations upon us, recant on testimony, ask us to fix both the trivial and the devastating problems that they themselves created. Drugs and poverty destroy people before my eyes sometimes... I have watched children die. I have watched another copper die. I have seen the worst of my city and looked the evil in the eye that each and every Police officer out there has seen. I have watched bad people win, and good people lose. I have had to fight for my life. I have nearly had to take another life. These are all things that we all see. And still I remain happy. [Wow! Either you are really morbid and masochistic, or the most optimisitic guy in the world - well done!]

• I'm a happy prosecutor, if that's any good. [No! Sod off!]

My own take is that there is no other job like mine in the world and I rarely meet a police officer who doesn't love it.

The BUT is: there is always a BUT.

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Coming soon to this blog: Lawyer-bashing!

My Poor IT Skills!

OOPS! I just realised I had to moderate all the comments sent and then publish them. Now done and you can read people's replies to my posts.

The Happy Coppers are Coming!

Sorry for the few day absence - I am currently sunning myself on a mini rest day holiday and am perched on the tip of a wooden stool in an Internet cafe that consists of a shack in the woods - kudos for my dedication.

I am gratified to see that PC Copperfield has generated some interest about my last post. I think all that needs to be said is said on his site, so I will not further comment, but expect more along these lines in the future.

This is a quickie to say that I have received an ASTONISHING number of replies from HAPPY POLICE OFFICERS! I can scarcely believe it, but some people are actually enjoying their work out there! To all six of you who are happy out there (two of you were abroad), WELL DONE GUYS, you are keeping the UK police force afloat with your unstoppable enthusiasm and passion for life. I feel imbued with a new vigour and desire to do my work! Hallelujah.

I do feel that a great many of us out there actually love our job and want to do it well, but feel ourselves being slowly choked and destroyed by the torrent of abuse and stupidity that pours over us daily - and I do not mean the crims.

I will publish the full results this week to try and spread some joy among my fellow man/woman/not-stated.

PC Bloggs.

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21st century newsflash - Women achieve Equality

As I seem to be the only female police blogger out here at the moment (please let me know if I am wrong), I thought I should really talk about life as a WOMAN POLICE OFFICER.

To begin, I did some RESEARCH. You can see some of it here, here, here and here (forces chosen from a spread of the country and not very enlightening, but that is all they offer).

I am one of two female officers on my shift of ten (when full strength). It's great being a woman in the police nowadays. In case you were unaware, 21st century women are EQUAL to men. It's taken us a few millennia to catch up, but at last we've done it and the view from up top is pretty fab. I am now permitted to be crewed with another female, which makes for lots of girly chatting. I am also permitted to be single-crewed, which gives me lots of chances to fight men and show how EQUAL I am. For the first time, not all female police officers are lesbians, so that makes for a much happier atmosphere of flirting and inter-colleague affairs, rather than all the nasty insults about "dykes", which are now just reserved for those women officers with short hair.

As women have found it so hard and taken so long to become EQUAL, there is also lots of help out there for the woman police officer. This site is one such example, as is the British Association of Women Police. Another example is the police fitness test. In 2004 it was lowered from level 8.1 on the "bleep test", to level 5.4, and the "grip test" has now been abolished completely. This was because of campaigns such as the one reported here. Basically, people realised that women simply cannot run faster than a slow jog it's NOT POSSIBLE. They also realised that male and female police officers are equally unlikely to even get out of their station or car on the average day, and the few days per year where a chase occurs it's better to let the men win anyway as they really do love catching baddies more than us.

Another way in which women are helped to stay equal is by flexible working hours. The government long since identified that most women just can't wait to have a darling little baby and many leave the force when they start a family. They are now encouraged to stay through the use of part-time hours, flexi-time, variable hours etc. Men fortunately do not have any desire to spend time with their children, and are happy to keep working night shifts and antisocial 16 hour duties throughout their family life.

It's been a long struggle for us women to attain EQUALITY and we need to be well-protected. Most of my colleagues understand this and I will find myself shunted out of the way whilst running up the stairs to a flat where a man with a machete is barricaded, or the door-enforcer wrenched from my hands before I can strain my delicate back trying to force entry somewhere. Like many women, I do have a tendency to try and do things for myself, and I am grateful for the help I get from my employer in restraining this urge. A colleague of mine recently fell pregnant and she was quite rightly put in an office for 9 months creating spreadsheets for another department, as she just did not know what was good for her and the fool wanted to keep on doing her job and working towards promotion.

If any of my readers (male or female) have some examples of female equality in the police, please let me know.

(W)PC Bloggs

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Two men?

The Telegraph is currently running this story about the press intercepting voicemail messages on the mobile phones of Charles and Camilla.

My thoughts are:

• Who on earth would want to do that?
• How on earth did they manage that?
• What on earth makes anyone think that Charles and Camilla know how to use a mobile phone?

And finally,

• Describing the article as being about "two men arrested" and then running that photograph is a little mean: Charles isn't THAT masculine.

It's worth noting as well that: 'it [is] unlikely the Prince of Wales would have left voicemail messages on the mobile phones of staff in his household'.

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Big Brother to go before the magistrates?

No doubt the CPS will NFA this one on public interest grounds.

Has anyone else noticed those Girl Police Officers?

Ten tips to being a great GPO:

1. Never turn up to work without your “face” on. You never know when you might go to a job involving a hunky ARV.
2. Ensure your hair is shoulder length, dyed blond with blonder highlights and has a nice “flicky” fringe at the front. Don't forget - your primary reason for joining the job was to get a date.
3. Practice saying, “Gosh this [insert name of exhibit] is heavy.” A male PC will swoop in and carry it for you and, if you disappear at the right moment, end up booking it into property.
4. When you hear other female officers talking about how they told someone off/had a fight/drew their baton, always say, “I don’t really find I need to use force on people very much”. This will draw everyone’s attention to how cute and feminine you are.
5. In the summer, when the “ties-off” command is given, make sure to undo at least two or three buttons on your shirt instead of just one. An oldie but a goodie.
6. If your paperwork starts mounting up, don’t worry about it. When you are called into the sergeant’s office for a dressing down, just let the tears well up and select from: “I’m going through a bad breakup” or “PC so-and-so has been picking on me ever since we went out.”
7. Resist attempts by feminist officers to rally the women together in times of discrimination. They will only bring you down with them. Remember: chauvinists are your friends - use them!
8.Make sure you date one and reject one PC from your station, preferably your shift. Then start dating a much more attractive DC whom nobody likes. This is the fastest way to get your name known around the nick.
9. You should have one of the highest sickness rates on shift - only macho lesbians turn up for work when they have a cold.
10. If you can possibly swing it, make sure to be assaulted when two or three male officers from your shift are nearby. They will never forgive themselves and will fall over each other to stop you getting in any nasty situations again.

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Time to bash the courts

Let me tell you a little story.

Paddy and Fred are best friends. They live in the town of Blandmore, Blandshire. There isn't much to do in Blandmore, so on a Friday night Paddy and Fred put on their best fighting togs and go out on the town. They get bladdered, wind up a total stranger and hope to roll in the dust for a few minutes before being towed apart by some rozzers who they can then call "mother fucking cunting bastard" for the next ten hours in the cells. They like to drink lots of teas and coffees and get free food, and then a smartly dressed person who went to school turns up and listens to their stories. Paddy and Fred aren't liars, so they tell him what they did and the smartly dressed person speaks to a lovely police officer who says that Paddy and Fred were seen on CCTV and witnessed by three people. The smartly dressed person tells Paddy and Fred he will sort it out for them, and their best bet is just to say nothing.

Then they like to go to Magistrate's Court where they put on their best tie, wash their face and listen to some frightfully clever people speaking in very posh voices for a few hours. Sometimes someone asks Paddy and Fred why they didn't tell the police about the man with the knife who came from nowhere wearing a mask and tried to kill them. Paddy and Fred say that a smartly dressed man at the police station told them not to.

The magistrate isn't best pleased, but he can't really be sure that there wasn't a man in a mask with a knife. More to the point, poor Paddy and Fred were so drunk that night that he can't be sure they didn't THINK there was a man in a mask with a knife, in which case their actions seem perfectly reasonable. The magistrate releases them without charge, whereupon Paddy and Fred call him a "mother fucking cunting bastard". The magistrate is a bit peeved by this, but people in positions of authority are expected to put up with any behvaiour, so he just nods wisely and makes a mental note to be cross to his wife later on.

I HATE THE COURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PC Bloggs.

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Where are all the laughing police officers?

As part of my blog I will be undertaking sporadic surveys of us worthy police folk worldwide.

For my inaugural survey, I ask the question:

Are there any happy police officers out there?

Not just happy with their lives, but actually happy with their jobs. Happy to go to work, happy they are treated as best as can be expected, happy they are able to do a good job. I ask this because in my searchings I have found not one happy bobby out there and I have to wonder why we all stay in the job if it is so awful?

Please reply by comment or email (pceebloggs@yahoo.co.uk) and I will publish the results of the survey in a week's time.

Stay safe.
PC Bloggs.

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Home Office Miscounting

I could not go any further with my blog without paying homage to the splendiferous Home Office Counting Rules. In recent years police forces have often been credited with "cooking the books" to keep the crime figures down, but the Home Office deserves some of the glory for this.

You see, police forces used to "benefit" from villains who on their last salute en route to prison decided to come clean and admit to a string of shopliftings, for example, all at the same store. So Mr Thief might break down in interview and say, "Yes yes I have stolen beer from Tesco every Monday for the last year, may God have mercy on my soul." Hey presto, the officer sits down for 5 hours, creates 52 crime reports and instantly claims credit for "detecting" them against Mr T's name. Tesco didn't even notice the beer was gone. The fact is, Mr T did all of these offences, he has admitted them all, but you couldn't have a police force claiming success in the numbers game due to one pathetic junkie who can't keep his mouth shut in interview.

Et voila! "The Finished Incident Rule":

Example: 'A' threatens 'B' on three occasions.
(i) 'B' reports the threats to the police on each occasion a threat is made.
Three crimes.
(ii) 'B' reports the occurrences at the same time.
One crime.

So the naughty naughty police force in the above example can only claim ONE detection, for one shoplifting consisting of 52 incidents. Good work, Home Office.

Here is another example, taken from my own experience:
A woman suffers a catalogue of abuse from a violent partner. In 2003 he headbutts her, knocking her unconscious, in January 2004 he punches her, in February kicks her, strangles her with a television cable in March. 2005 he throws her to the floor whilst 9 months pregnant and she miscarries. She is vulnerable, depressed, sees no way out, and does not call the police. Instead, she takes photos of her injuries each time and records the dates, knowing that one day she may need them. In 2006 following a screaming row, her partner grabs her round the throat and threatens to kill her. The camel's back breaks, she comes to the police and reports all of these incidents, armed with the evidence to prove them. The man is arrested and charged with three counts of GBH, 3 common assaults and a threats to kill.

This one man's reign of terror over his partner may well account for a tenth of all violent offences recorded in the police area that week, and yet all this is recorded as one crime. That will make society feel safe. Jolly good show, Home Office.

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This human remains baffled.

As detectives prepare for a "finger-tip" search of a paedophile's home I cannot help but notice the following:

The investigation is based on an anonymous, unsigned letter sent to former residents of the house some time last year.

The letter apparently claims that human remains from 35 years ago are buried there.

The paedophile only moved in 17 years ago.

The police "are not certain that any offence has been committed".

This incident seems to sum up what my job is all about:

Step One: Police receive anonymous allegation accusing a known crook of something vague that may or may not be an offence.

Step Two: Police try and find out who made the allegation and this has little bearing on the next step.

Step Three: By making a couple of phonecalls, police establish that the known crook named could not possibly have committed the offence specified.

Step Four: A massive investigation is launched to dig up a garden/arrest the crook.

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Hello, hello, hello.

The first thing I should do starting a police officer's blog is pay tribute to my predecessors. They are too numerous to list, but as I develop my blog I will add them to my links section (this I think is called a "sidebar", but as a police officer I learn slowly and have to receive an email telling me I got something wrong before I can understand it).

I have not read every police blog in existence, but have scanned many and have not yet found any written by MINORITIES. By this I mean, of course, WOMEN. So to shake things up a bit, I should first announce that I am a WOMAN POLICE OFFICER. WOMAN.

This means that, among other things, I get to join a special club, get invited to special seminars, and have people phoning me up 24/7 to try to promote me. When I joined, I was permitted to ask for a skirt (although this privilege has now sadly been stripped away), and I had a "tight allowance". Not just a description of my salary, but a special bonus to buy tights. I also get to put "W" before my title to pre-warn members of public that they have the privilege of being served by a WOMAN POLICE OFFICER. This also appears on my personnel screen next to "R" for Response driver, "P" for Public Order trained, "T" for Tutor, so that the bods in the control room can search for officers with the correct WOMAN training required for certain jobs.

All in all, being a WOMAN POLICE OFFICER is pretty special. Lucky me.

Anyway, my point was, there are lots of police officers' blogs. So why start another?

Firstly, I don't think society can ever hear too much acerbic, discontented slander about the government.

Secondly, if I take out my resentment here, I am less likely to do so on some poor victim of crime.

Thirdly, that like the great PC "Sir" David Copperfield, maybe, just maybe, if enough of us say it enough times, then someone, somewhere, somewhen, will hear our cry.

Stay safe.
(W)PC Bloggs.
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