This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Friday, August 11, 2006

Has anyone else noticed those Girl Police Officers?

Ten tips to being a great GPO:

1. Never turn up to work without your “face” on. You never know when you might go to a job involving a hunky ARV.
2. Ensure your hair is shoulder length, dyed blond with blonder highlights and has a nice “flicky” fringe at the front. Don't forget - your primary reason for joining the job was to get a date.
3. Practice saying, “Gosh this [insert name of exhibit] is heavy.” A male PC will swoop in and carry it for you and, if you disappear at the right moment, end up booking it into property.
4. When you hear other female officers talking about how they told someone off/had a fight/drew their baton, always say, “I don’t really find I need to use force on people very much”. This will draw everyone’s attention to how cute and feminine you are.
5. In the summer, when the “ties-off” command is given, make sure to undo at least two or three buttons on your shirt instead of just one. An oldie but a goodie.
6. If your paperwork starts mounting up, don’t worry about it. When you are called into the sergeant’s office for a dressing down, just let the tears well up and select from: “I’m going through a bad breakup” or “PC so-and-so has been picking on me ever since we went out.”
7. Resist attempts by feminist officers to rally the women together in times of discrimination. They will only bring you down with them. Remember: chauvinists are your friends - use them!
8.Make sure you date one and reject one PC from your station, preferably your shift. Then start dating a much more attractive DC whom nobody likes. This is the fastest way to get your name known around the nick.
9. You should have one of the highest sickness rates on shift - only macho lesbians turn up for work when they have a cold.
10. If you can possibly swing it, make sure to be assaulted when two or three male officers from your shift are nearby. They will never forgive themselves and will fall over each other to stop you getting in any nasty situations again.

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Copyright of this author.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha ha. fine until it comes to the strip searches in cells. i'd love to search both these stinking drugged up females, but as you're the only other female police officer in the entire county you'll have to do it. i'm sure your food will still be hot when you've finished...

11 August, 2006 22:42

 
Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

hahaha brilliant!! Love it its so true!

11 August, 2006 23:43

 
Blogger thinblueline said...

Ah thats made me smile

12 August, 2006 15:05

 
Blogger Joe90 said...

Beautiful, absolutely exquisit.

Good blog, very interesting, keep it up, looking cute and flashing that smile.

13 August, 2006 17:17

 
Anonymous Brian said...

Don't forget that if you need a favour from a male supervisor, to go and seek him out prior to your shift.

Make sure you're wearing a tight T-shirt, this will improve your success rate enormously.

Don't expect any eye contact though.

14 August, 2006 12:51

 
Anonymous Another Constable said...

Thankfully, my section, though being overrun with you lot (JOKE!) doesn't have any GPO's.

However, my station, unfortunately, has plenty. To be fair though, it is evenly balanced by the number of dickheads on male side too.

14 August, 2006 16:59

 
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