This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


After many years of speculation and fruitless experimentation, I am pleased to announce the successful switch-on of the Very Ambitious Leader at Blandmore Police Station.

VAL can fire two opposing beams of instruction, generating antipathy between departments at a rate close to the speed of light.

So far VAL has just completed one circuit of the police station, but the analysts have already detected undulations in the comfortable backsides of the third floor.

Over the next few weeks, VAL will be cranked up to maximum speed, at which point he will be circulating at a rate of 11,000 crime reports per second. The departments responsible for the crime reports will be set on a collision course and the aftermath should teach us a great deal about the formation of the Twenty-First Century Police Force.

Charles Hammond, an expert in Crime Management, Investigation and Detection, states: "We can expect to see small explosions as these departments collide, and these may trigger other, larger reactions. There is a small chance that the universe will implode. But if it doesn't, we might actually start getting better at policing."

Some people don't think we should be messing with the fabric of Police-Crime. But realists say that there is no need to panic, as it is unlikely that VAL will have the effect predicted. His five predecessors never managed to cause any ripples in any kind of continuum. VAL is not likely to be any more successful, however big and bad he may look.

Pessimists say that VAL is all talk, and that you cannot really affect the big outside world from within a 27km dungeon deep in the cesspit of society.

I don't know what all the fuss is about. If VAL really does cause ripples, and there are too many collisions, surely someone upstairs can just pull the plug and plunge us all back into darkness.

'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look behind the fridge for the Higg's Boson, eh Love?

11 September, 2008 01:01

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sudden appearances of black holes in police stations have always been a matter for public concern. Without purpose, mindless protons do create sparticles when they are forced into constant collision with reason. But what does this tell us of the universe inside the two cells forming plod intellect?

Coming to mind is the monkey causing WW111 when access to and enough time to tinker with all the parts of a fission device, are available. The Great Police hypothesis concluded that an understanding the world is not essential to anything representing a threat to it. The mathematical model made it evident that collisions continue to occur until some ultimate event such as total mass loss, whereupon intellectual inequality is resolved in an instant.

11 September, 2008 08:45

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Classic post! I take it you are breaking in a new fearless leader?

At the hospital, I have survived 6 new directors of nursing, each promising to shake things up...

I'm still here - they're all gone - the hospital is still crap.


11 September, 2008 10:15

Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about getting yourself a girlfriend...or are you just a teensy bit frightened of women?
Great post Bloggsy.

11 September, 2008 11:36

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lovely spoof article - really chered me up! Made me think too, so well done again.

11 September, 2008 12:22

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Faced with the real understanding, of a REAL black hole being created by oh so clever scientific boffins; this post gave me a much needed laugh Bloggsy, essential for de-stressing! Thanks.

The Mail did an informative article about the intention to recreate the "Big Bang". It quite clearly states that "in weeks to come the beams will be aligned [within the Doomsday Machine] to collide head on. The impacts will create temperatures 100,000 times hotter than the sun AND WILL CREATE MINATURE BLACK HOLES!!!

Well that's alright then. So in fact the media have been misleading the public, [surprise, surprise] because "The End of The World" would not happen UNTIL they have created the BLACK HOLES. Nice!

From my limited understanding of what the boffins do know about space, and black holes, it is that EVERYTHING gets sucked into them and is destroyed, as the black holes get larger and LARGER. Great.
And these boffins say that "there is no danger". Yeah right.....

Ah well, let's look on the bright side. In about 4 years time, once the mini Black Holes have gobbled up the planet, the problem of this idiotic government and its Orwellian system will be irrelevant. But IF they really could CONTROL a Black Hole, [which they cannot] it might be a useful thing for garbage disposal, including all the Nuclear waste and weapons!
Personally I think that the boffins should conduct their experiments in outer space, if they want to play God and play around with MAKING BLACK HOLES.

Does this planet really need a Black Hole of its very own? [Considering Bloggsy's revelation]I think not, but I'm just one of the sane and sensible people, with COMMON SENSE, and kids who quite like this beautiful planet.

ER Indoors

12 September, 2008 03:52

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The solution to VALs is actually quite simple-when you encounter one rush off and get a bucket of water-get the VAL to look at the surface and then plunge its hands in and wiggle its pudgy lilywhite fingers about then after a few seconds get it to take its hands out dry them off and get it to look at the surface again.As it will look exactly the same as before despite all the wiggling the VAL will be totally confused and will self destruct whilst you can carry on as normal.

12 September, 2008 11:51

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A lovely, funny, post. However, the real, original, VAL (Singleton) would have been able to resolve the problems with black holes, management, etc with a couple of toilet roll tubes and a sheet of sticky-backed plastic.

12 September, 2008 12:36

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chortle, definitely a candidate for Blog post of the year.

12 September, 2008 14:57

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"unresponsive" - Sounds depressingly like the happenings at my former employer British Telecom/BT. Each new manager had to make his "mark" and change everything around. 2-3 years later he would get moved sideways and the new incumbent would change it all back again....

To those of you worried about the goings on under the Swiss border this might cheer you up:

12 September, 2008 15:05

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I know where my pay rise went.
And the three bics I had yesterday...

The idea of bodies moving quickly round inside a police station, however, is pure science fiction. Such particles will only spill ourt of the container at a tremendous rate under certain predictable conditions; it's time for a fag break, or the bakery has just opened round the corner.

Any other movements are constrained by the first law of ACPO: A senior officer may not interact with policemen.

12 September, 2008 17:05

Anonymous Anonymous said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 美女交友,

嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片,

愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,

03 April, 2009 21:36

Anonymous Anonymous said...

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

15 April, 2009 02:58

Anonymous Anonymous said...

爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性, 做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇,

免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真,

15 April, 2009 10:53


Post a Comment

<< Home


View My Stats
eXTReMe Tracker