This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Baddie Bags

In a new initiative designed to foster safe and sensible night-time behaviour, drug-dealers in Blandmore will be handing out goodie bags to revellers over the festive season. The bags will contain a plastic bottle crack pipe, a drug awareness pack, a drink spiking aid, acid lollipops and hash brownies, as well as a pair of high-heeled shoes.

Operation Overdose goes live in Blandmore this week, and is the brainchild of local pusher Goldie "Death-Bringer" Hawkes. Goldie explains: "The drug awareness pack assists punters with the latest street names and advisable quantities to purchase. The drink spiking aid is a cap with a hole in it, and it is accompanied by a handbook describing likely target for spiking. The lollipops and brownies are just to line people's stomachs before they smoke hard crack, and the high heels should encourage their rape in a comatose state afterwards."

The criminal fraternity have been criticised for turning to soft tactics to combat the lethargy of thecredit crunch, but they defend themselves saying, "Anything that gets people stoned safely by the end of the night is a positive move."

If it all means that I won't become a glorified taxi driver this Christmas, I'm all in favour.

'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.


Anonymous sntpc said...

I remember when I used to have days off and could go out with my friends, and we used to drink until we were just drunk enough to have a laugh, but ordered ourselves legal minicabs to get home, even though our shoes hurt, and we finished our kebabs and burgers and McFlurrys before the taxi arrived.

Clearly we were more wild and crazy that I could ever have imagined!

23 December, 2008 21:52

Blogger blueknight said...

This may have started in Surrey a few years back when someone had the idea of giving out free lollipops to clubbers. The theory was that a clubber happily sucking a lollipop was less likely to shout abuse or fight.
What seems to be happening now is cringeworthy.

23 December, 2008 23:01

Blogger Sherlock said...

Take care of all that vomit on the roads with your taxi cab.
May be there is a special roadsign to mention it?
Nichevo (

24 December, 2008 10:53

Blogger Colin D said...

"Pc Lyndsey Hooper, of Lancashire police, said: "We want to engage with people who are out having a good time to remind them of the importance of safe and sensible drinking and to remind them of the potential situations that they can get themselves in if they drink too much".

Is this statement a product of lateral thinking or just old fashioned Joined up thinking, like joined up hand writing?

24 December, 2008 12:04

Blogger Hogday said...

What about Chanel-scented CS/OC spray? And can Tasers be plugged in to iPods and send subliminal crime reduction messages along with the 20,000,000,000 volts? Police dogs with the collar number of their mis-handler stamped onto their teeth to aid identification? I hear pink is a calming colour....

24 December, 2008 17:28

Blogger Cst KO said...

The polls are open for the Best Police blogs....Please post to let your readers know so they can go and vote....

24 December, 2008 18:10

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was thinking the other day about how I was at the young-stupid-drinking-stage. I realised that the only difference between my friends and the people that you have the misfortune to deal with was our attitude while drunk.

We would get falling down drunk, but if anyone even made a hint of aggression it would have killed the evening then and there. I think there was one occasion where a friend bought someone along who did the conversation-that-goes-downhill with a member of staff in a bar. We left, and no-one said anything about it - but he was never invited along again.

Has anyone tried to find where the anger comes from? I wonder whether it is down to a lack of self knowledge - the ability to see oneself from the outside...

25 December, 2008 10:35

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 37 !
I have been going into pubs since I was 15!
I managed to get home every night, didn't need to a lollipop, or soft soled flip flops, or a goody bag...

How did I manage this ! and can I sue someone now as such treats were not offered to me.

May be I am being old fashioned by wanting the police to arrest criminals rather than give out freebies to all and sundry...

Please, FFS can we get some sensible leadership in the Police - skip these crap touchie feely ideas and get some leadership that will become politically neutral and not pander to ZaNuLabour

26 December, 2008 12:00

Anonymous mcmrjp said...

This smacks of aiding and abetting surely! This is surely evidence that the police have lost the plot. Why don't you refuse to hand them out?

28 December, 2008 15:59

Blogger Hogday said...

The police is a law enforcement and prosecutions agency FFS - or was. Maybe if the chiefs had to stand for re-election every 4 years (like US Sherrifs depts etc) it might re-focus their minds? Now that's democratic control in action. Oh wait a minute, doesn't the Govt/Home Office want to make force areas bigger and bigger, thus reducing local involvement and accountability in the process? Yes, that sounds like a good plan and with economies of scale they can bring down the cost of lollipops, `Help-me-I'm-Pissed-Again Goodie bags` and flip flops. Should have sent PSU's to Woolies to snap up the last of the pick and mix and other tat. Another opportunity for the Home Office missed due to lack of forethought.

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