This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

The Dark Arts

As part of my ambitious, career-woman-drive for promotion, I have lately been attending the Morning Meetings. Gadget can tell you more about them.

These take place at 8.30am, and are attended by the duty sergeant, a local intelligence officer, the Local Police Area Commander, and representatives from various departments. There is also a woman in a long-sleeved red top who sits in the corner. Her job is to burrow through every computer system we own and collate a list of what crimes have occurred overnight. She reads out each one, and the LPA Commander decides whether or not he can alter its classification. Quite a few burglaries are transformed into thefts, and several broken car windows change from attempted thefts to criminal damages.

Having reduced Blandmore's "volume crime" figures by 5%, the LPA Commander then goes onto solve a number of offences himself. For example, the burglary at Corinthian Way where the glass was removed from the rear patio window.

"Who does that kind of thing?" he will muse.

The pressure is on. The local intelligence officer suggests a few names of burglars who are known to prise glass out of windows. The duty sergeant will say that one of them was seen by the night shift on the weekend.

Now that we know who has committed the burglary, the LPA Commander sets an action for the early shift to arrest the offender.

Next, there is a round-up from each department. The Criminal Investigation Department (CID) run through all the incidents which response officers botched the night before, and the LPA Commander requests that a few emails are sent to the officers' inspector. Then, the detective sergeant responsible for "DA" speaks up. I have not heard of this department before, but his report also consists of all the incidents botched by response officers the night before, and the LPA Commander requests that a few more emails are sent, this time to a different inspector.

My sergeant will then tell everyone how we have half the number of officers on duty that we should, and the LPA Commander tells him to make sure this number improves throughout the day. The priority of the day is set. It is to erradicate racism from Blandmore.

As we leave, I ask my sergeant what "DA" is. It turns out Domestic Violence has been re-named overnight, and Violence is now Abuse.

The representatives of each department trudge back upstairs to begin collating the sheets of statistics for tomorrow's meeting. It will take most of the day.

The LPA Commander asks the woman in the red top to make him a cup of coffee, while he prepares to go through everything again in the Later Morning Meeting.

I turn my radio back on and race straight out to a report of a fight in progress. I fail to erradicate racism that day or the next, but no one minds.

'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in all good bookstores and online.


Anonymous Kevin said...

Brilliant post, Bloggsy.

10 July, 2008 09:49

Anonymous steve said...

Thats another reason I hate earlies. After tasking your point to point goes off for the rest of the shift...
"from morning tasking(spanking) we need you to do this....."
repeat ad infinitium..

10 July, 2008 12:03

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tasking, or as we refer to them 'the shudda squad'
shudda done this
shudda done that

10 July, 2008 13:11

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is all so true I could write a book about it.

You forgot the bit where the Business Manager reads out the overtime budgets and the fuel spend over the last 24 hours, and which PDR'2 are late - or are you not that sophisticated yet in Blanshire?

10 July, 2008 15:06

Blogger thinblueline said...

Welcome to morning prayers..

10 July, 2008 15:29

Blogger thinblueline said...

Oh and dont forget the tactical tasking meeting . where we look at crime trends and totaly ignore it by sending a few pcso's on foot to stop things like .. oh .. car theft.

10 July, 2008 15:29

Anonymous pzgirl said...

I've also recently had to attend some morning meetings. Your comments are so so true. Spot on as usual Bloggsy. Brilliant.

10 July, 2008 15:54

Anonymous steve said...

I still say, morning tasking is like that scene out of starwars, where darth vader is surrounded by his SMT and chokes one of them for daring not to toe the party line..

10 July, 2008 18:18

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So Wot's gnu. You have joined the real world of macadamien nuts, whom must fill the the overstuffed chairs to prevent fouling the aire. Big business has successfully deported their winning civilian business obfuscation to the civil servants.

10 July, 2008 21:50

Blogger blueknight said...

TCG (Tasking and Co ordinating Group)1980s style.
Sgt and 6 Officers parade for afternoon shift. On the table is The crime report register, the classified occurrence file, (which containeds domestic disputes and common assaults, flashers, accidents other than RTA, unexploded bombs and 'animals')the in telex book and collators daily bulletin, of persons seen at night suspicious vehicles, crimes suspicious incidents, arrests etc etc.
The Sgt reads out the daily bulletin and any other important bits of info. Then the Officers who have each been given one of the other books read out what has happened since the last parade. It takes 10 to 15 minutes but it meant that every Officer knew everything that was going on and if your beat was one that had suffered a lot of car crime the day before, you were expected to bear it in mind and visit the relevant areas. There was less crime in those days because there was more prevention. No one is going to break into a car if there is real PC standing there...

10 July, 2008 22:03

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't yet aspired to the dizzy heights of the 'greetin' meetings' yet but I KNOW that's what must happen all over the country. 'Greeting' is Scottish slang for crying by the way.

14 July, 2008 17:04

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not agree with any of the above, the police are just a form of bullys who think because they are the law they can do anything they want to innocent people and get fun out of it in my case. I am constantly picked on by the police and they do nothing but inflikt hatred crimes against me. They even use my neighbours to join in with the abuse. I am the owner of a successfull company and yes i will admit when i was younger i did not take the straight and narrow like all young people do but know it has just spiraled into a complete local hate campain and very shortly i am going to the IPC to report them as it has made my life misery during the last year. My mother died earlier this year due to a 2 year battle with cancer and all the way through it i was victimised especially off the special constable which used to live next door to us that had a resentment for us because we was successfull in what we did. I feel totaly betrayed by the whole system which is covered up to make it look it good for the general public and for goverment.

26 July, 2008 21:18

Anonymous 2 Robins said...

Oh no...
As a MOP this is scary but normal according to all the responses above!

Having said that some of the people playing with figures could work well with some of the people I have worked with..

19 November, 2008 23:21

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