This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Bravo Zulu!

Seeing as it's now several months since the beginning of the tax year, Blandshire chiefs are already turning their attention to next year's budget. In line with the modern fad, we will be going "back to basics", the buzzword of 2008 to be: Zero Based Budgeting.

According to Wiki, ZBB means not assuming that last year's budget worked, and recalculating everything from scratch each year. In Blandshire, it means spending Zero Pounds on improving the police force. For example, instead of employing more police officers, we will simply be transferring some police officers from Response to Neighbourhood, and submitting press releases announcing that more police officers than ever now work in Neighbourhood.

Other ways to Zero Budget are:
  • to glue police cars back together again when they fail, instead of splashing out on all those costly repairs
  • simply not to recruit any more police
  • disband vital specialist units
and Blandshire's favoured route:
  • launch such a violent attack on police morale that half your work-force up and fly to Canada
It's the way forward.

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11 Comments:

Anonymous Vic said...

Canada, Australia, New Zealand are all crying out for our officers. With a better lifestyle, more respect and a feeling they are actually achieving results, who can scorn them.

Have you ever thought of making inquiries into a transfer to a sunnier climate?

19 September, 2007 06:07

 
Anonymous pcR said...

Neighbourhood policing was introduced at our place with much fanfare in the local press 18 months ago. We therefore had neighbourhood policing officers (don't work nights) working "alongside" response officers.
Except on nights, when all the domestics/ pub fights/ burglaries occur.
Running alongside this innovation has been the proliferation of "specialist units" to deal with the aftermath of the jobs we couldn't deal with properly the previous night because there were no bobbies on.
This laughable state of affairs has now been reversed as the shiny arse who brought the new system in has left for another unfortunate force (good luck fellas).
We are now back to the old system, but in the meantime front line has been depleted beyond repair, and we are left with the laughable situation whereby on any given dayshift there are more policemen working in the domvio unit than on response.
Back on shift tomorrow. Hurrah!

19 September, 2007 09:53

 
Anonymous IsoChick said...

Ah, it's not just the police who practice ZBB! I work in a large educational institution and they have seen our budget worked out, and seen that we have increased our spend in one area, as we've taken on new occupational health advisers (as told to by management) so they've then cut that budget to less than it was previously, even though we've got an additional £15k of spend.

So, let's hope we have no-one who needs to see an OH Adviser, as we can't pay them, nor can we buy any basic equipment for exams etc.

Crap.

19 September, 2007 11:39

 
Blogger Metcountymounty said...

a little while ago the head of Met HR contacted the head of Herts HR to inform them that they had received in excess of 750 applications from its officers to transfer. Herts only have around 2000 and the majority cited morale as the reason for wanting to tranfer.

A few people have said about Australia, NZ and Canada must have recruitment shortfalls from their own local people, I spoke to an ex Met Insp who now works in Oz and does recruitment for them, they see the UK as a pool of people they can bring in and put through minimal training in order for them to be able to do the job, whereas employing people fresh means a backlog of training. Like everything, its a simple numbers game and if they have to pay less for x amount of years experience then it's a no brainer

19 September, 2007 16:21

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a friend of mine went from a response team to a safer neighbourhoods team and when I asked him why he said

"no front office, no gaoler, no security patrols, no handovers, no griefy calls on the radio, my SPP is 4 times higher and I can do what I want and don't have to deal with constant shite, its great"

19 September, 2007 16:33

 
Blogger alanorei said...

Does the budget have a contingency element for missing kit?

Here in the northeast, in Darlington, the police report that 500 of their traffic cones were nicked in the past year.

They cost a fiver each.

The problem is spread across the entire Co. Durham, apparently. As elsewhere, there are some light-fingered types in this part of the country.

The Darlington police have declared a traffic cone amnesty, in the hope of getting some back.

19 September, 2007 19:03

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Over here in sunny Northern Ireland we have been centralised, de centralised, left to the Sergeants to run the district command unit station allocation, had that changed by some Inspector on the road to Bramshill to greatness or whatever and now incredibly a sergeant has complained that all the above is wrong and all police officers will start and end duty at the main district station as decided by an Superintendant who has left to shower his gifts on another district. My station is 8 miles from the district HQ and the next shift only leaves some 15 minutes after I get there to change over and go home. If the public only knew.

If you are not a peeler reading this. It is true.

19 September, 2007 19:06

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Metcounty - transfer to Herts. That way the average IQ in both forces will go up.

21 September, 2007 21:45

 
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