This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.


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Monday, September 17, 2007

Not-so-intelligent briefings

The virtues of Intelligence-Led Policing are forever being extolled in Blandshire Constabulary. It supposedly means that instead of police cars randomly roving Blandmore in the hope of seeing a crime, we base our patrols on recent crime waves and information received from police informants.

In effect, this means that if Roman Grove on the Porle is attacked nightly for two weeks and fourteen cars broken into, for the fortnight following the spate you can be assured there will be plenty of police cars about looking for the thieves. Meanwhile the thieves will have moved onto Grant Way, the intelligence for which should hit our systems at approximately the exact moment they move yet again.

In this way we can reassure all the Mops* who have just been broken into that we are doing something to combat the problem, without any danger of actually catching anybody in the act of anything.

Our daily intelligence briefings (which of course arrive by email) often contain delightful snippets such as:
  • "Thursday is the third most popular day for auto crime in Cakton."
  • "11pm-6am is when the overnight burglaries are happening."
  • "There've been a lot of thefts of metal recently."
  • "Intelligence required on Michaela Jordan [local drug-dealer]. Please hang out outside her house and record her every move, but if asked say it was a spontaneous sighting."
  • "Dale Thompkins has just been released from prison. Should there be any knifepoint robberies of any kind, just arrest him and CID will be delighted to deal with the paperwork in the morning."
  • "CID would like to remind all shifts that they are currently understaffed to deal with robberies and response officers may have to investigate these themselves."
These bulletins are essential to modern police work, as without them we might forget to investigate crime altogether.

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.
* Mop = Member of Public

9 Comments:

Blogger Rebecca said...

We get very similar amazingly helpful emails at my job! Good post.

16 September, 2007 23:34

 
Blogger hobbybobby said...

"11pm-6am is when the overnight burglaries are happening."

I'm sure we've had that one in our (satire-free) briefings at Plodsville, too... it's uncanny!

17 September, 2007 00:21

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah those famous briefings that are published Mon-Fri anytime between 1330 & 1500 hours. Some intel at the weekend would be great and maybe in time for when days start at 0700 hours!!!! I do however take comfort that it happens with other Force's and it's not just the Farce I am part of!!!!

17 September, 2007 16:52

 
Blogger Bog Exile said...

I love your blog and it has inspired me: try this!

http://legitimatetangent.blogspot.com/

17 September, 2007 17:31

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tried pointing this out last year at a training day, and the shiny-arse taking the session just looked at me as if I was from another planet.
Planet Earth, presumably, as opposed to Planet Headquarters

17 September, 2007 17:54

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"know nothing about the men brutally shot by armed police in a pre-planned attack on Thursday, but I have no doubt they were completely innocent. Police are probably busy planting evidence and fabricating DNA out of thin air to make out their precious firearms officers are totally innocent, as they always do."

I HAVE TO ASK IS BLOGG STUPID ?????

17 September, 2007 21:50

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That just prooves how pathetic the police are. How they will plant evidence and avoid high risk.
They also waste tones of money chasing inocent people because they are easy targets. Scum bags

21 December, 2007 12:38

 
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15 April, 2009 08:50

 

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