Part Two of My Caller's Guide

Having successfully encouraged the public to call the police in the past, I have neglected those readers who are already comfortable calling the police and want to move to the next level.

A common misconception is that when you call the police, a police officer will answer, listen to the problem and decide what to do. This is not the case. Not only will it not be a police officer who answers, but whoever does answer will not listen and will not decide what to do. Nor will anyone else.

The truth is that when you call the police, the response will be according to a drop-down menu and a list of Yes/No questions, following a kind of "adventure book" approach to policing which is followed by a civilian with very little legal training. Most of the menus result in the solution: "Tell the caller a police officer will be calling very shortly and promise them that the police can solve all their problems instantly."

Despite this comforting notion, it may surprise you to hear that some Callers of the Police (Cops) do not come out of their police experience feeling fully satisfied. On rare occasions, they may not even be given a crime reference number or no one might even be arrested! This is not an acceptable state of affairs. I therefore encourage all potential Cops out there to follow my simple ten-step guide to Getting Someone Arrested Whether or Not They've Done Anything Wrong:

1. Call the police.
2. Tell the police that your neighbour/ex/parent has committed an offence, preferably assault. At this point, your neighbour/ex/parent should be arrested. If not, proceed to step 3.
   
3. Keep phoning the officer who attended until he/she tells you that the person has been arrested.
   
4. The police may come back at you with one of their staple excuses: There's no evidence, You'll have to attend court, Witnesses say you started it. In this event, immediately ask to speak to another officer. If one is not provided, ask for the duty supervisor.
5. With any luck, the duty supervisor will order the PC to arrest the person you want, just to shut you up. If not, continue to step 5.
6. Phone the next day and try to make the same complaint again. There is a good chance you'll get a new officer who won't know you've already called, and might run out and make the arrest without asking the first officer. If not, proceed to step 6.
7. Phone in again and ask for the duty inspector. Tell him/her you are being unfairly treated and persecuted. Tell him/her you think the officers are racist.
8. If no arrest occurs now, you will need to step up your attack. Find out the name of the area commander and phone him/her. Reiterate that this is racist persecution. Explain that you have an expensive lawyer and a friend who is an MP. Use the phrase, "I'm putting this in writing".
9. Even now, you may be unlucky enough to have phoned an area commander with some guts. In this unhappy event, make a formal complaint through the local complaints procedure and hire a solicitor to plague the professional standards department with phone-calls. Include every police officer you have spoken to in your complaint. There is a slim chance that the police will, even now, stick to their assertion that "There is no evidence". Proceed to step 10.
   
10. Phone the area commander back. Tell him or her you are GOING TO THE PRESS. An arrest should follow.
    

Please bear in mind that even if you follow this procedure to the letter, this does not guarantee a successful prosecution, or even a charge. I will return with more guidance on such matters.

For now, practice the above process on your friends and family. Once perfected, try it out on your spouse or ex, before moving on to complete strangers or people you met once and didn't like the look off.

Happy Hunting.

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