This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Thursday, July 26, 2007

Is this job a pile of crap?






Thank goodness for eagle-eyed officers in Cleckheaton. Without their powers of observation, and a strategically-located CCTV camera, they might never have identified that a pile of excrement was being deposited by a human and not by a dog.


How this one ever reached the status of 'investigation' I will never know. So many factors had to fall into place.
  1. A member of public actually had to notice the excrement in the same place regularly.
  2. The member of public called the Council.
  3. The Council answered their phone.
  4. Someone at the Council failed to hang up with the words, 'We'll look into it'.
  5. The Council had a dog fouling 'squad' ready and waiting to take on the investigation.
  6. The Council had a spare CCTV camera and the money to position it correctly.
  7. All of the above was done within a short enough timescale to actually catch the offender 'at it'.
  8. The police were willing to receive the evidence and take the investigation further.
No doubt the offender will get charged with littering, public order and/or outraging public decency, and will get a small fine from the Magistrates Court, to justify the expense of the investigation that caught him.

If only points 1-8 above would kick in when the residents of Blandmore complain for the millionth time about the severe rising armed robbery rate or the standard of social services in the area. It appears, as always, that the public services in this country can handle the easy stuff with real prowess. Give them an actual problem... well, I'll let you decide.

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"No doubt the offender will get charged with littering, public order and/or outraging public decency, and will get a small fine from the Magistrates Court, to justify the expense of the investigation that caught him."

Funnily enough, I live in Cleckheaton!

The expense is irrelevant, as the people involved are already paid for and this is a revolting offence which needed dealing with.

But i agree with the rest of your post wholeheartedly.

27 July, 2007 09:33

 
Blogger Minty said...

Please tell me that they are not going to waste more money by actually taking the Phantom Plopper to court....

27 July, 2007 09:33

 
Blogger BelfastPeeler said...

Doubt he'll be convicted if it did go to court.

For public indecency you'd need to prove he did it in a place where the public could see or were likely to see. If it was in a park in the dead of night and he took steps to remove himself from view...

Different if its a footpath in the middle of town.

27 July, 2007 10:11

 
Blogger British National Party member said...

Right, this is going to sound crazy but i actually have experience in this area!!

See, i used to work for a gardening company that was contracted by the council. We tended to a strip of gardens along the sea shore, which was in parts a high foot traffic area.

We had to deal with all the tramps and so on as you do, but it turned out one of them had TB and something else i forget now - oh no wait that was it, it was one of the hepatitis's - and was crapping on the pavement and watching as we picked it up. And he stank of sickness - it was the sort of smell that makes you want to run, and he had this crazy, gap tooth grin.

Now prior to this i had always picked poo up with my litter picker - ive been in some right glamorous jobs me you know - even though id specifically been told not to for elf n safety. I just figured that it was better for me to pick it up than a kid to fall in it or something.

But it turns out that this guy has all sorts of diseases, and that the police couldn't touch him because he refused the medication so he was contagious. They could come down and have a word and move him on but not touch him, so i was told. (the fact of lack of evidence was a fact over and above the elf n safety reasons for not sticking him into a cell)

So when i found that out a few weeks into the job i stopped picking up poo's - the fly's could have given me it - and every time he was spotted in one of the shelters someone special had to come in who had been vaccinated, who then cleaned it up after he had been moved on.

He was disgusting that tramp - he used to sit there and wank openly to porn mags, and the rest - i still remember the cloying sick smell. ugh.

Anyway, i think that people who do things like that should be sent to prison. He is putting others lives at risk. Course, nothing was done - but if we had have given him a kicking you can bet we would have seen the inside of a cell.

Its just wrong - this country needs a to have much of its stupid bureaucracy and regulation removed.

27 July, 2007 12:26

 
Blogger totallyun-pc said...

What amazes me even more than points 1 to 8 is that it made the BBC website..... blimey News must be sparse this week!

27 July, 2007 13:09

 
Blogger Whichendbites said...

TUPC, don't you mean news must be spARSE this week ?

27 July, 2007 14:06

 
Blogger Charlie Lima said...

It's obviously more common than I thought. I recently had a call about a man crapping in the street too!!

27 July, 2007 19:14

 
Anonymous paw said...

Matter now in the hands of the police! Yuk.

28 July, 2007 22:02

 
Blogger metcountymounty said...

We are police.

We have broken our contract with the public.

We are a disgrace

04 August, 2007 00:38

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This guy was fined £500 and given an ASBO. Apparently he was regular - he left his excrement around 3:50 am daily over a period of several days

16 August, 2007 00:09

 
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