There's Always One.

Whenever the Home Secretary allows his backside to make public announcements, there will always be an important public figure who jumps on the bandwagon in an effort to raise his own profile. In the case of the prison row, it is Lord Phillips. This is the man who helpfully told us that if only we hadn't fed mad cows to sane cows, we would have been all right.

In Blandmore, our boot-licking figure is known as Inspector McToady. Whenever we see the introduction of a great new initiative such as the Overtime Ban, the Use-The-Furthest-Away- Custody-First Policy or the No-Leave-For- Response-Officers Strategy, Inspector McToady is there to announce his support for the scheme. This will involve him attending management meetings to let the bosses know that he agrees with their ideas whatever they are, and getting them to sign his portfolio to say that he understands what it means to be a "strategic police service". His goal is to distance himself as far as possible from every day policing, so that one day he will get to be the one spewing forth grand ideas for Blandmore and seeing his name in the daily press.

As far as us wee Response officers go, the only effect of McToady's meddling is that he appears twice weekly in our briefings to remind us to enforce the new policy and sends us emails if we fail to do so. Sometimes he appears in briefing to read out the emails.

Strangely enough, we are currently fielding twice weekly resignations in Blandmore Local Police Area. I'm sure it's just a coincidence...

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