Slicin' and Dicin'

What a relief! The Home Office is to be split in two. This will solve all kinds of problems:

1. The issues causing the most media attention will now be split between two ministers, meaning that we can enjoy the drama of not one but TWO resignations next time there is a furore.
2. The big problem of lack of communication between departments will be a thing of the past: as two separate departments, they would not be expected to communicate anyway.
3. There will be separation of the policing from the reoffending issue - which after all are two totally unrelated matters.
4. It will involve re-training and employing more civil servants, which I think you will agree can never be a bad thing. We wouldn't want them to get to know their job too well.
5. It will allow for the creation of dozens of new email addresses and the opportunity for online training packages and welcome emails. These are the bread and butter of success.
   

The far-sighted Chief Constable of Blandshire Constabulary has over the years implemented many similar ideas which have all turned out beautifully.

For example, When the Burglary and Robbery Teams were created, CID found themselves too short-staffed to take on any GBHs, sexual offences or boring old domestics, which gave response officers like myself some great learning opportunities. This also gave rise to the opportunity to merge the Burglary and Robbery Teams into one glorious team and to create another team to deal with sexual offences and domestics. THAT team was then split in two and we are just waiting for the announcement that they have all been merged back into one Super-Special department.

The outcome of all this visionary reconstruction is plenty of highly specialised positions to tempt people away from response work, and a multitude of teams containing officers so specialised that only the rarest of offences actually falls within their remit.

Now they can all blame each other when things go wrong or, as is more usual, blame me.

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