The Pursuit Of...

... the appropriate form.

With every passing day the Senior Management Team of Blandshire Constabulary move one step closer to their goal of recreating the great Vogon Empire. Past successes include the Tactical Pursuit Risk Assessment (which prevents officers from driving too fast after bad guys) and the Post-Rumble Checklist (to assess the effectiveness of the relevant officer's fists and/or feet following a fight).

Their latest triumph is the new Near-Miss form. At last we can combine online-form-filling with those occasions when we ALMOST hurt ourselves but don't.

The Near-Miss form must be filled in online (handwritten just will not do), then printed, so that you can then handwrite the bits that the automatic form-generator has messed up. A supervisor will then fill out a second form to go with the first form which must also be done online and then printed, and you then somehow email the printed forms to Personnel, who will return printed copies in the post for you to correct. The only part of this process I can really criticise is that it leaves no opportunity to fax anything to anyone.

The Near-Miss form applies whenever:

• Your radio has no reception (frequent).
• You press your Emergency button and no one hears.
• You spray someone with incapacitant and they keep fighting.
• You have fewer than "minimum manning" officers on duty.
• You have "minimum manning" but can't cope with the amount of "immediate" incidents.
• You have no sergeant on duty (surprisingly frequent).
• You try to race out to assist a colleague and the immobilising fob on the panda will not deactivate.
• A car nearly hits you but stops in time.

Whilst I admire the Near-Miss form, this list has a lot to be desired. For example, what are you to do if you trip on a crooked paving stone and nearly fall? What about when someone swears at you but stops short of taking a swing? Which form should you fill in when the panda windows are frosted over and there is no ice-scraper available? I think you will agree that until these situations and more are covered by another form, we will not be truly safe at work.

In the meantime, here is some Vogon poetry to keep you going:

A Blandmore cop,
Female,
Wends through the lonely streets.
She does not know the art of
Strategising,
Or managerial prowess.
Which is a shame.

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