This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Friday, January 26, 2007

The Pursuit Of...

... the appropriate form.


With every passing day the Senior Management Team of Blandshire Constabulary move one step closer to their goal of recreating the great Vogon Empire. Past successes include the Tactical Pursuit Risk Assessment (which prevents officers from driving too fast after bad guys) and the Post-Rumble Checklist (to assess the effectiveness of the relevant officer's fists and/or feet following a fight).

Their latest triumph is the new Near-Miss form. At last we can combine online-form-filling with those occasions when we ALMOST hurt ourselves but don't.

The Near-Miss form must be filled in online (handwritten just will not do), then printed, so that you can then handwrite the bits that the automatic form-generator has messed up. A supervisor will then fill out a second form to go with the first form which must also be done online and then printed, and you then somehow email the printed forms to Personnel, who will return printed copies in the post for you to correct. The only part of this process I can really criticise is that it leaves no opportunity to fax anything to anyone.

The Near-Miss form applies whenever:
  • Your radio has no reception (frequent).
  • You press your Emergency button and no one hears.
  • You spray someone with incapacitant and they keep fighting.
  • You have fewer than "minimum manning" officers on duty.
  • You have "minimum manning" but can't cope with the amount of "immediate" incidents.
  • You have no sergeant on duty (surprisingly frequent).
  • You try to race out to assist a colleague and the immobilising fob on the panda will not deactivate.
  • A car nearly hits you but stops in time.
Whilst I admire the Near-Miss form, this list has a lot to be desired. For example, what are you to do if you trip on a crooked paving stone and nearly fall? What about when someone swears at you but stops short of taking a swing? Which form should you fill in when the panda windows are frosted over and there is no ice-scraper available? I think you will agree that until these situations and more are covered by another form, we will not be truly safe at work.

In the meantime, here is some Vogon poetry to keep you going:

A Blandmore cop,
Female,
Wends through the lonely streets.
She does not know the art of
Strategising,
Or managerial prowess.
Which is a shame.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright of PC Bloggs.




17 Comments:

Blogger busybizzie said...

Bloggs, I've got to disagree with you on this one. I've been urging everyone on my shift to fill out near-miss reports whenever needed. The reason? Single crewing. I was posting on this just tonight but it's just been wiped and I'm not going to get away with re-typing it.
Fact is, our bosses are using statistics of assaults on officers to prove that some times of day are more or less dangerous than others and thereby justify single crewing. We all know we hate forms, this means that only the actual injuries ever get recorded so the stats are hugely skeewed in the bosses favour. If we report all the instances when we might have got a shoeing we can ourselves skew the stats back to where they should be.
So report it. Everytime you nearly crash because you're reading the map, driving and using the radio. Everytime you have to call for another unit because you've turned up at an incident which isn't quite as calm as you were led to believe.
If we have to live by statistics then so be it. Let's use them to get what we want as well.

26 January, 2007 21:45

 
Blogger PC Bloggs said...

Bizzie, you have been seduced by the Dark Side!

26 January, 2007 22:40

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about either cope with it and do it ( at the expense of it going wrong.) or bin the job and create a huge stink.

Seems like the choice is yours.

Not a very good choice I will admit.

26 January, 2007 22:43

 
Blogger busybizzie said...

I fookin aven't! Outside, Nah! We're stuck with their daft rules so we might as well use them to our advantage. If nothing else, we could swamp the system and make their own figures seem trivial and meaningless by comparison.

26 January, 2007 22:46

 
Anonymous Joe. P said...

What happens if you take a bunch of sociology and psychology graduates and put them in charge of the most compliant employees on the planet?

Near miss forms and statistics!

This is not management this is OCD.

27 January, 2007 00:28

 
Blogger Robert 'Bob' Slot said...

A female police officer, with a knowledge of Vogons?!?

You sound like my kind of woman, are you doing anything next Saturday night?

27 January, 2007 00:30

 
Anonymous JCA said...

Crooked paving stones ? Falls?

Dont you get doing any of that PC Bloggs, I have had a belly full of injury claims this week. Check this out:

http://multipleexposure.blogspot.com/2007/01/whats-wrong-with-this-picture.html

I need a lie down in dark room with a wet lettuce...

27 January, 2007 01:15

 
Anonymous theoldman66 said...

Bloggsie, can't you do something to get rid of those wretched preview pop-ups? They're driving me insane!

27 January, 2007 01:59

 
Blogger Officer Dibble said...

More Vogon?

A Millenium officer who works her plot.
Pc Bloggs who posts
a lot!

27 January, 2007 02:52

 
Blogger PC Bloggs said...

oldman, windows gone - was just trying something. :-( now my feelings are hurt.

27 January, 2007 10:46

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bloggsy

I really liked the windows, I had hours of fun moving my mouse over them and then away again...

Pleaes bring them back.

27 January, 2007 11:10

 
Anonymous PC Bitseach said...

Hmm, I filled in one of these recently after a genuine near-miss. However I didn't send copies to anyone other than our H&S / Occy Health people at Central.

Wonder was I supposed to? Either way, it isn't up to our Boroughs / Forces / Constabularies / Services to censor our near-miss forms or alter them. As far as I am concerned they are a form of whistle-blowing scheme in order to protect us from genuine issues (eg, as mentioned, no radio coverage, Emmer buttons c*cking up as usual) not for our seniors and betters (?!) to sanitise and spin before they go.

Actually, not too worried about this from my point of view as the Happiness BOCU Senior Command Team is very supportive of our gripes around safety [what? a rare moment of non-grumpiness from the Met's grumpiest copper?] (civilians in Senior Management less so, but then what do they know about getting a shoe-ing from some scrote in the street if it makes them look bad to their managers??) [AAAaaaaand she's back]

27 January, 2007 14:37

 
Anonymous James said...

You've actually read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxcy and you're female... Please marry me!

27 January, 2007 17:05

 
Blogger hobbybobby said...

This place needs a risk-assessment form completed - I've just hurt myself laughing too hard at this post...

It's a bloody danger zone!

28 January, 2007 04:34

 
Blogger 成人 said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 美女交友,

嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片,

愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,

03 April, 2009 19:15

 
Blogger look said...

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

15 April, 2009 03:34

 
Blogger liwo said...

爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性, 做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇,

免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真,

15 April, 2009 11:32

 

Post a Comment

<< Home

 

View My Stats
eXTReMe Tracker