This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

The Pursuit Of...

... the appropriate form.

With every passing day the Senior Management Team of Blandshire Constabulary move one step closer to their goal of recreating the great Vogon Empire. Past successes include the Tactical Pursuit Risk Assessment (which prevents officers from driving too fast after bad guys) and the Post-Rumble Checklist (to assess the effectiveness of the relevant officer's fists and/or feet following a fight).

Their latest triumph is the new Near-Miss form. At last we can combine online-form-filling with those occasions when we ALMOST hurt ourselves but don't.

The Near-Miss form must be filled in online (handwritten just will not do), then printed, so that you can then handwrite the bits that the automatic form-generator has messed up. A supervisor will then fill out a second form to go with the first form which must also be done online and then printed, and you then somehow email the printed forms to Personnel, who will return printed copies in the post for you to correct. The only part of this process I can really criticise is that it leaves no opportunity to fax anything to anyone.

The Near-Miss form applies whenever:
  • Your radio has no reception (frequent).
  • You press your Emergency button and no one hears.
  • You spray someone with incapacitant and they keep fighting.
  • You have fewer than "minimum manning" officers on duty.
  • You have "minimum manning" but can't cope with the amount of "immediate" incidents.
  • You have no sergeant on duty (surprisingly frequent).
  • You try to race out to assist a colleague and the immobilising fob on the panda will not deactivate.
  • A car nearly hits you but stops in time.
Whilst I admire the Near-Miss form, this list has a lot to be desired. For example, what are you to do if you trip on a crooked paving stone and nearly fall? What about when someone swears at you but stops short of taking a swing? Which form should you fill in when the panda windows are frosted over and there is no ice-scraper available? I think you will agree that until these situations and more are covered by another form, we will not be truly safe at work.

In the meantime, here is some Vogon poetry to keep you going:

A Blandmore cop,
Wends through the lonely streets.
She does not know the art of
Or managerial prowess.
Which is a shame.

Copyright of PC Bloggs.


Blogger busybizzie said...

Bloggs, I've got to disagree with you on this one. I've been urging everyone on my shift to fill out near-miss reports whenever needed. The reason? Single crewing. I was posting on this just tonight but it's just been wiped and I'm not going to get away with re-typing it.
Fact is, our bosses are using statistics of assaults on officers to prove that some times of day are more or less dangerous than others and thereby justify single crewing. We all know we hate forms, this means that only the actual injuries ever get recorded so the stats are hugely skeewed in the bosses favour. If we report all the instances when we might have got a shoeing we can ourselves skew the stats back to where they should be.
So report it. Everytime you nearly crash because you're reading the map, driving and using the radio. Everytime you have to call for another unit because you've turned up at an incident which isn't quite as calm as you were led to believe.
If we have to live by statistics then so be it. Let's use them to get what we want as well.

26 January, 2007 21:45

Blogger PC Bloggs said...

Bizzie, you have been seduced by the Dark Side!

26 January, 2007 22:40

Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about either cope with it and do it ( at the expense of it going wrong.) or bin the job and create a huge stink.

Seems like the choice is yours.

Not a very good choice I will admit.

26 January, 2007 22:43

Blogger busybizzie said...

I fookin aven't! Outside, Nah! We're stuck with their daft rules so we might as well use them to our advantage. If nothing else, we could swamp the system and make their own figures seem trivial and meaningless by comparison.

26 January, 2007 22:46

Anonymous Joe. P said...

What happens if you take a bunch of sociology and psychology graduates and put them in charge of the most compliant employees on the planet?

Near miss forms and statistics!

This is not management this is OCD.

27 January, 2007 00:28

Blogger Robert 'Bob' Slot said...

A female police officer, with a knowledge of Vogons?!?

You sound like my kind of woman, are you doing anything next Saturday night?

27 January, 2007 00:30

Anonymous JCA said...

Crooked paving stones ? Falls?

Dont you get doing any of that PC Bloggs, I have had a belly full of injury claims this week. Check this out:

I need a lie down in dark room with a wet lettuce...

27 January, 2007 01:15

Anonymous theoldman66 said...

Bloggsie, can't you do something to get rid of those wretched preview pop-ups? They're driving me insane!

27 January, 2007 01:59

Blogger Officer Dibble said...

More Vogon?

A Millenium officer who works her plot.
Pc Bloggs who posts
a lot!

27 January, 2007 02:52

Blogger PC Bloggs said...

oldman, windows gone - was just trying something. :-( now my feelings are hurt.

27 January, 2007 10:46

Anonymous Anonymous said...


I really liked the windows, I had hours of fun moving my mouse over them and then away again...

Pleaes bring them back.

27 January, 2007 11:10

Anonymous PC Bitseach said...

Hmm, I filled in one of these recently after a genuine near-miss. However I didn't send copies to anyone other than our H&S / Occy Health people at Central.

Wonder was I supposed to? Either way, it isn't up to our Boroughs / Forces / Constabularies / Services to censor our near-miss forms or alter them. As far as I am concerned they are a form of whistle-blowing scheme in order to protect us from genuine issues (eg, as mentioned, no radio coverage, Emmer buttons c*cking up as usual) not for our seniors and betters (?!) to sanitise and spin before they go.

Actually, not too worried about this from my point of view as the Happiness BOCU Senior Command Team is very supportive of our gripes around safety [what? a rare moment of non-grumpiness from the Met's grumpiest copper?] (civilians in Senior Management less so, but then what do they know about getting a shoe-ing from some scrote in the street if it makes them look bad to their managers??) [AAAaaaaand she's back]

27 January, 2007 14:37

Anonymous James said...

You've actually read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxcy and you're female... Please marry me!

27 January, 2007 17:05

Blogger hobbybobby said...

This place needs a risk-assessment form completed - I've just hurt myself laughing too hard at this post...

It's a bloody danger zone!

28 January, 2007 04:34

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