This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Fair Weather

It is official: police in Blandmore are doing A Superb Job.  At least, so I was informed last week by the woman who gives out the parking permits.  Not especially surprised to discover that Belinda is now the person I most need to impress with my team's crime reduction and detection skills, I further read the happy news that all crime has dropped since this time last year. It appears this is being entirely credited to the hard work and diligence of Blandmore's erstwhile bobbies - in and out of uniform. 

It turns out, the message is not actually from Belinda, but has come via her from the Area Commander.  As well as possessing the sole key to the drawer containing the combination safe containing the pass-key to open the encrypted laptop that gives out electronic fob access to the car park, Belinda is also the only person allowed to send out all-user emails.  Which means that our superintendent - a man with over twenty years' dedicated public service behind him - has to get her permission to send his workforce an email.

It's not that Belinda would ever refuse the request.  But even she has days off.  Still, I'm not complaining: it's thanks to HQ's latest crackdown on misuse of the email system that we feds down here on response can go a whole weekend without hearing a peep out of anyone above the rank of inspector.

The only other task awaiting me when this latest chirpy message fell into my inbox was to begin the mammoth task of trawling through Blandmore's fourteen missing person reports.  I therefore took the time to read the Boss's email in its entirety.

It turns out, the detectives on Operation Softly Softly Catchee Thiefee, in an astonishing display of accuracy, have actually caught several thiefs this week.  It also appears that two or three response bobbies have attended domestics and not only managed to identify the offenders via their names, dates of births and family photographs, but have startlingly also arrested them immediately when they were found hiding in their own homes.  All this has led the Super to conclude that it is entirely the brave work of front-line heroes, working of course under his guidance and strict adherence to force policy, that has resulted in a gargantuan drop in crime over the same period last year.

Personally, I'm attributing it to the fact that last week, last year, was half-term.  This year, it was a week later.

I'm not diminishing the fine work of the Op SSCT lot, nor the brilliant murder-aversion skills of us response bods.  But to suggest that any of us have more than a fleeting influence over which week, which year, the baddies will choose to strike, is akin to claiming that the weather is decided in Monday morning's management meeting.

From my time in Blandshire Constabulary, I've seen good men and women fall and rise, all based entirely on the weather.  If and when I ever decide to start scrabbling for the next rung on the ladder, all I can really do is buy an umbrella, and hope.

'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.


Anonymous A Polis Man said...

first and this is why stats are meaningless

30 October, 2011 11:44

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love stats


30 October, 2011 13:04

Anonymous Mrs Doughnut said...

OR you should not get an umbrella, then for sure it will rain cats and dogs. All thieves ecc will stay at home ( possibly there would be an increase in domestics though).....

30 October, 2011 15:39

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like to stay at home


30 October, 2011 16:39

Anonymous ginnersinner said...

73% of people love stats!

I've always said much the same - that a shout at a copper that there have been too many burglaries this month is a shout at the wrong person. The Super should be shouting at the burglar - though if we knew where to find him we wouldn't be having this discussion!

30 October, 2011 20:27

Anonymous Cheshire cat said...

Our IT didn't even record some crimes as crimes, hence all our stats took a massive swing one year. Brilliant.

31 October, 2011 01:42

Anonymous Anonymous said...

103% of statistics are wrong...

31 October, 2011 08:38

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Body armour is a huge part of modern military as well as our local Police forces. Stab proof vests are no longer an option for Police in the UK, and in many parts of the world the same is true of bullet proof vests. A
stab vest may save someone's life one day, it is just a shame they have to wear them!


Bullet proof vests | Body armour | Stab proof vests | Stab vest

01 November, 2011 10:55

Anonymous TheBinarySurfer said...

This would be where someone with far less originality than I would mention something about PC Rain being the most effective copper of the lot!


01 November, 2011 22:45

Anonymous Emma said...

Thanks for the information. It's been very useful.

02 November, 2011 09:11

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're completely welcome, Emma Love.


02 November, 2011 23:19

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Vintage Bloggs. More please.

06 November, 2011 07:57


Post a Comment

<< Home


View My Stats
eXTReMe Tracker