This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Western Front

It's ALL QUIET in Blandmore at the moment. I'm not supposed to use the Q-word, but I do so in the hope that it will prompt a flurry of rapes, murders and kidnappings. These are all good for overtime, and provide lots of evidence to record in my PDR.

As a result of moneyless skiers, the only criminals left in town are the REAL ones. There's little to detect in the way of trivial crime, and we are left swimming against a tide of auto-crime and burglary. It could be a great opportunity for some proactive patrol, the kind we normally don't have time for. But without the fighting drunks and swearing vandals, there are no Sanction-Based Detections to balance the undetectable aquisitive crime, and the Area Commander is starting to panic. He now trawls personally through every investigation with a named suspect and dispatches special teams of officers on overtime to arrest and charge the suspects NOW.

I've taken to hiding my paperwork when I go home for 3 days off. If I don't, I'll return to find that someone has taken it out and arrested the cake-throwing child I was planning to give a severe telling off. Or that the series of complex financial enquiries I have to do into a fraud has been leapfrogged and the suspect arrested on virtually no evidence, in the hope of charging him by Wednesday night (when they count the week's detections). Suspects who have cooperated and booked appointments to see me after my rest days are being woken at 5am and hauled off to custody in the utmost confusion.

And out there on the frozen streets of Blandmore, the burglars are laughing.

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

14 Comments:

Anonymous somebloke said...

Nice to hear that things are Quiet for you at present.

Performance Development Review

"The timeliness of PDRs and the quality of Performance Logs forms part of district/ departmental inspections carried out by the Corporate Development Department Service Improvement Unit."

Quote taken at random from your link.

I suppose that we are all paying for this rubbish ?

14 February, 2008 20:23

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

moneyless skiers?

14 February, 2008 20:27

 
Blogger thinblueline said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

14 February, 2008 21:28

 
Blogger thinblueline said...

* COugh.

I calmed down had a drink.

I loose about 3 jobs a week to some "smt order" given out to arrest in my absence and normaly because there is no fing evidence and smt seem to think that every body goes

" its a fair cop guv u got me , ill tell the beak all "

and that WE can charge with out the CPS throwing in the oar.

Ill stop, cause I want to smash things up..

XX elle.. wheres blokie... im free :)

14 February, 2008 21:33

 
Anonymous Ordinary Joe said...

Ah I see what you're doing there... You're using the Q word in the kope that it will invoke it's curse upon you thus lifting you from the detection doldrums.

Unfortunately Murphy's law applies and takes precedence in this case.

14 February, 2008 22:28

 
Anonymous notellin said...

Bloggsy:

Its posts like this that almost convince me that we work in the same Force and Division.

15 February, 2008 02:31

 
Anonymous British Patriot said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

15 February, 2008 14:53

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get lost patriot, those michael moore
conspiracy theories are really annoying. stop trying to hijack a thread

15 February, 2008 17:13

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

British Patriot is, I'm afraid incorrect, The reasons the buildings collapsed to quickly was because of the system used by the USA. Each floor is like a 'floating' floor held up by a system similar to hooks which are affixed to the main construction but support the edges of the floors. When the strength of the building was compromised it affected the shell's ability to support the floors. It would only have been a matter of time before they all collapsed - the weight of the one above forcing down the one below.
This information was widely quoted only days after the event and has led to talks (only talks, mind) about tall building construction methods in the USA.
Sorry.
Anyway, I don't know if Blandmore has any tall buildings, or nearby airfields but I hope Bloggsy's peace and quiet isn't interrupted in such an awaful way.
Bob the Builder

15 February, 2008 17:15

 
Blogger PC Bloggs said...

Sorry if the following comments make no sense - I don't have much patience with people talking gibberish, especially when it isn't related to the post.

15 February, 2008 21:50

 
Blogger Howard Wilson said...

"...Or that the series of complex financial enquiries I have to do into a fraud has been leapfrogged and the suspect arrested on virtually no evidence, in the hope of charging him by Wednesday night (when they count the week's detections). Suspects who have cooperated and booked appointments to see me after my rest days are being woken at 5am and hauled off to custody in the utmost confusion...."

Sounds like the (now NFA) allegation against me ;-)

19 February, 2008 14:50

 
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