This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Monday, January 28, 2008

How not to get away with murder

In a controversial move that national broadsheet newspapers have yet to notice, I have decide to dispense some top tips to those villains out there considering committing murder, but worried that they won't get caught.

It's not an easy job NOT to get away with murder nowadays. Despite methods such as being named on Youtube, sending death threats to the victim beforehand, doing it in a crowd of 300 onlookers, or admitting it in court, it is still almost impossible to be successfully convicted of murder in this country, let alone get sent to prison.

Below are some proven methods which will result in your swift arrest and conviction. All have been tried and tested in the vicinity of Blandmore, but I take no responsibility for any failure by my readers to bring them off.*
  1. Be sure to make your hatred of the victim well known. If possible create a website dedicated to it. After the murder, boast of what you have done to everyone you know.
  2. Enlist the services of an undercover policeman to carry out the murder. OK, you won't actually get the person killed, but you'll definitely be caught.**
  3. After the murder, flee the scene, but send a text to your mum telling her what you have done. Most murderers I've met have the kind of backgrounds which mean their mums have been waiting to dob them in since they were toddlers.
  4. Keep a shrine in your house. It doesn't matter if the shrine relates to the murder - any kind of shrine will guarantee a conviction by a freaked out jury.
  5. Join the police first. Cops are rubbish at getting away with murder (as you'd expect, given it is the cops who are usually unable to capture the murderers).
  6. Kill yourself with the murder weapon after carrying out the act. Be sure not to wander too far away before you die.
If you fail to use any of the above methods, don't blame me if you find the British police unable to capture, charge or convict you. If you need any proof of how unbelievably stupid we are, just read this (with thanks to 200 Weeks).

* please note on no account should a solicitor's services be enlisted if these methods are to work.
** be sure not to mention the word "entrapment" at any point if utilising point 2.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Boy said...

My word, that last article on all the crashes: Scary! Both the accidents themselves, and how stupid people can be.

28 January, 2008 11:50

 
Anonymous Richard, Nottingham said...

...the stupidity and slothfulness of the average PC is not in question.

28 January, 2008 16:17

 
Anonymous Inspector Gadget said...

You know, I can't believe that people are being critical about the POLAC face book stuff. Social Networking sites are the best way of communicating with the citizens... I know this because the Chief said so in Ruralshire's in-house magazine. All of us joined to drive cars fast, have punch-ups and eat doughnuts, the odd accident is bound to occur and the lads are just putting a brave face on it! Bit harsh about the old person though?

28 January, 2008 22:35

 
Blogger Drugsblogger said...

Hmmm. Interesting,what about bringing back hanging? That's when the State commits murder (popular in the US I believe) and gets away with it. Or indeed, in some case increases its popularity I believe.

What I want to know is what do all you police think about the new (new to England that is) drug courts? Announced yesterday and sure to be controversial.

29 January, 2008 11:05

 
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