How not to get away with murder

In a controversial move that national broadsheet newspapers have yet to notice, I have decide to dispense some top tips to those villains out there considering committing murder, but worried that they won't get caught.

It's not an easy job NOT to get away with murder nowadays. Despite methods such as being named on Youtube, sending death threats to the victim beforehand, doing it in a crowd of 300 onlookers, or admitting it in court, it is still almost impossible to be successfully convicted of murder in this country, let alone get sent to prison.

Below are some proven methods which will result in your swift arrest and conviction. All have been tried and tested in the vicinity of Blandmore, but I take no responsibility for any failure by my readers to bring them off.*

1. Be sure to make your hatred of the victim well known. If possible create a website dedicated to it. After the murder, boast of what you have done to everyone you know.
2. Enlist the services of an undercover policeman to carry out the murder. OK, you won't actually get the person killed, but you'll definitely be caught.**
3. After the murder, flee the scene, but send a text to your mum telling her what you have done. Most murderers I've met have the kind of backgrounds which mean their mums have been waiting to dob them in since they were toddlers.
4. Keep a shrine in your house. It doesn't matter if the shrine relates to the murder - any kind of shrine will guarantee a conviction by a freaked out jury.
5. Join the police first. Cops are rubbish at getting away with murder (as you'd expect, given it is the cops who are usually unable to capture the murderers).
   
6. Kill yourself with the murder weapon after carrying out the act. Be sure not to wander too far away before you die.

If you fail to use any of the above methods, don't blame me if you find the British police unable to capture, charge or convict you. If you need any proof of how unbelievably stupid we are, just read this (with thanks to 200 Weeks).

* please note on no account should a solicitor's services be enlisted if these methods are to work.
** be sure not to mention the word "entrapment" at any point if utilising point 2.

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