This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Monday, May 07, 2007

Our Lewis.

Some areas within Blandshire Constabulary are rural havens, populated by city lawyers on the weekend and corn-chewing country folk mid-week. Blandmore, however, is where all the rejects get put. Those people who do not even own one home and are not permitted to live next to people who own two.

I am reminded of a domestic at one such home a few weeks ago. The door is opened by a grubby four-year-old wearing pyjama bottoms and odd socks. His mother immediately coaxes him to one side and reminds him of the wise saying that "Yer don't open the door to no f**king police, d'ya hear!"

We are here for Our Lewis. Our Lewis is smashing the place up.

"Did he do that?" I point at the wood splinters that appear to have come from the living room door and are now about to become teething toys for the two toddlers sitting on the third stair up.

Irene isn't sure. She is sure that she has had Enuff and She Ain't Takin Him Back This Time. I suggest that maybe we should talk out of earshot of the toddlers. This is apparently unnecessary. Irene beckons me through to the kitchen where I enter in time to see the back door slam behind a hooded figure. The security light illuminates Our Lewis crossing the yard and climbing into the garden shed.

It turns out that Our Lewis has taken a baseball bat to the Plasma, which now only boasts 31 useable inches. It was right in the middle of Dancing on Ice. I agree that this is unacceptable.

Irene wants Our Lewis arrested. Having surmounted two washing machines and some corrugated iron sheeting, I feel I deserve the arrest and muscle my colleague out of the way to get into the shed.

"I ain't fookin being arrested," says the hoodie. His hands are tucked into his arm-pits, the cord of his hood is pulled so tight that just the dark oval of his eyes is visible, his lashes stuck together with tears. Lewis is thirteen.

"You've smashed the place up, Lewis."

"Yeah well you can't arrest me cos I'm not listening."

Fortunately I possess the skills to overcome teenaged logic. I persuade. I advise. I warn. Finally I take hold of Lewis' arm. He fights, spits, writhes, cries, screams and we finally wrap him up in velcro and carry him out through Irene's front room. She yells after him that he is a waste of space and with any luck the neighbours will see him being carted off.

Some neighbours come out and see him being carted off. Irene tells them he is going to jail. Once in custody, Lewis reverts to human form. When his hoodie is taken off him, it is revealed that his forearms are covered in razor slashes from elbow to thumb.

Later, whilst taking down Irene's statement, the four-year old pulls down his pyjama bottoms and defecates on the living room floor in front of us. Irene takes a swig from her whiskey bottle and says someone will have to clean that up some time. Out of possible embarrassment, the four-year-old hits the three-year-old on the head, and the crying wakes up Irene's husband who has been asleep on the sofa throughout and is not amused at the Bleedin Racket.

As I get Irene to sign her oldest son into the care of the local authority, I wonder whether I will still be working for Blandshire when the toddlers are arrested for the first time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright of PC Bloggs.

17 Comments:

Blogger Paradise Driver said...

Sadly, "Our Lewis" will be remanded back into his parents custody. If he went to a good foster home, he might just have a chance of bettering himself.

07 May, 2007 06:06

 
Blogger PC South West said...

These people should be sterilised or something.
I dont remember these people existing when I was a child, maybe I was just given a sheltered childhood but I recon they are a product of the 21st Century.
The thing is it is too easy for them to exist. With all the benefits Irene is getting she will never need to better herself and get a job.
If we keep giving them what they need, they will never try to earn it and will always take it for granted.
We are too soft!!!

07 May, 2007 11:11

 
Blogger PC South West said...

By the way excellent post!!

07 May, 2007 11:37

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why did they want him arrested for something they had brought him up to do?
Light dawns. He was only supposed to smash up other people's property wasn't he?

07 May, 2007 12:59

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will know when you are getting old. It will be the day you get called to Lewis in his gaff with his partner and he expects you to arrest his eldest for assault/damage/theft/whatever. Looking back the only way I could see of avoiding such a fate was to get promoted. Sadly I didn't and got to know too many in the Lewis mould. You will just feel a failure.

07 May, 2007 15:34

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if i had read your post without having seen all the other police blogs i would have thought you were making this up sadly i don't.
all the best john

07 May, 2007 17:37

 
Blogger busybizzie said...

Ah, parenting by Police. So much easier than having to do it yourself.
I can't wait until my eldest can go to the 'big creche'.

07 May, 2007 19:08

 
Blogger Minbu said...

Unfortunately there are all too many families like that these days. You must really enjoy your job sometimes!

08 May, 2007 00:44

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doesn't pay to care ducks. It really doesn't. Do your thing and pass it on to the ' Caring Profession's '

Really - your job isn't on that list....

08 May, 2007 17:09

 
Anonymous badnewswade said...

pc south west-

I dont remember these people existing when I was a child

Er, they didn't. That's because they used to take kids into care if they were suffering neglect or abuse. They don't now, and scenes like this are the result.

If we keep giving them what they need, they will never try to earn it and will always take it for granted.

What these poor bastards "need" is a job, sadly these often aren't available, our leaders (who NEVER EVER LIE) may say.

But go ahead and vote for someone who will cut off the dole of several million "scroungers" - just don't be surprised when you pull some riot duty as a result!

However, I share your exasperation. Round my way the morons are so stupid they don't even know how to use the entry telephone for a block of flats, so they yell up at people on the 5th floor: UG! UG MAAH GRRUUUG! etc, etc. It's enough to make anyone turn a bit right wing, god knows what it must be like to actually police the feckers.

08 May, 2007 21:38

 
Anonymous badnewswade said...

Sorry,

What these poor bastards "need" is a job, sadly these often aren't available, our leaders (who NEVER EVER LIE) may say.

should have read


What these poor bastards "need" is a job, sadly these often aren't available, whatever our leaders (who NEVER EVER LIE) may say.

08 May, 2007 21:39

 
Blogger staghounds said...

What, you're thinking about quitting this year?

08 May, 2007 23:30

 
Blogger staghounds said...

And they don't "need" a job- they need to have a reason to behave like human beings rather than zoo animals. That reason iis responsibility- they have none, even for earning their own living or raising their own young.

We get what we pay for.

08 May, 2007 23:32

 
Blogger PC Dogberry said...

One of your better posts.

It's an all too familiar story isn't it?

To some, these people are almost a different race, a different creature completely from the human beings we were brought up amongst. To them, it's a normal way of behaving. No wonder then that they don't understand when they get locked up. The poor souls don't have a chance of integrating into mainstream society because they have a completely different set of social standards and moral code. The kids don't stand a snowball in hell's chance....it's all they know, so f*ck off copper, you're not welcome round here, even if I did ring you ;-)

09 May, 2007 21:59

 
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