This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Monday, March 19, 2007

PC Bloggs Investigates... Crime Property.

It is commonly known that if you can keep on top of your Paperwork, the only other thing that will get you into trouble in the police is Property. (It used to be Paperwork, Property and Policewomen, but in the Twenty-First Century police officers no longer have sex with each other so I have scrapped that one.)

When someone is arrested for anything involving an object with a corporeal presence, that corporeal presence will, likely as not, end up in the police Property Store. This is a dark dungeon located in the basement or a Portakabin, with aisles, shelves, racks and drawers stuffed full of drugs, weapons, clothing, mobile phones and random articles seized by Scenes of Crime examiners. With all this vital evidence stashed in one place, the opportunities for loss and destruction are numerous.


In Blandshire Constabulary, a foolproof system has been developed to tackle this potential disaster. Every item that goes into the store is labelled with a unique title and reference number and the label is signed by the officer who has seized it. The same title is then transferred onto another label with another completely unique reference number. The item and both labels are put into a bag and sealed by a seal marked with yet another totally utterly unique and individual reference number. A carbon copy of one of the labels is kept by the officer so they can locate the item again and another copy is kept by the Property Manager so that he can locate it again.

The sealed, bagged, triply-tagged exhibit is then chucked in a small cupboard where it sits in a pile of other similarly bagged items until the Property Manager stows it away in the dungeon. The smaller pieces are quite happy to drop down behind the shelving unit and store themselves forever in the temporary cupboard. The rest will stay in the dungeon until the case is over, by which time the officer who put it there has left the force or forgotten of its existence.

Believe it or not, in spite of this remarkable system, property can and does wander off. More often than not the stray items can be found in someone’s docket, or kit bag, or locker. Occasionally the exhibit will turn up in a panda car boot, or travel home in someone’s stab vest by accident. If not found in any of these places, there is a high chance that the officer seized it immediately before rushing to another incident and the exhibit got out there. If the item is located in the store, it will probably have been stashed underneath something a lot heavier, or will have been chemically treated, left in a damp spot or been dropped by the Expert examining it, and will therefore emerge damaged beyond repair.

Either way, if anything you own ever falls into the hands of the police through your fault or another’s, do not expect to see it again. It is for this reason that I advise people who are being harassed to just change their number and forget about it, because if you hand us your mobile phone for analysis you may as well just buy a new one.

Oddly, there are Members of Public who will not accept this fact and actually expect their personal items returned to them when the police no longer need them.

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Copyright of PC Bloggs.

12 Comments:

Blogger Paradise Driver said...

...Twenty-First Century police officers no longer have sex with each other...

So, they are monosexuals now? ;)

20 March, 2007 00:51

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

when did the "...Twenty-First Century police officers no longer have sex with each other..." rule come in ?- i must have missed that!!

20 March, 2007 13:18

 
Anonymous AMAR said...

All men are rapists.


Twenty-First Century police officers no longer have sex with each other...


Ahem!........

20 March, 2007 15:53

 
Blogger PCFrankyFact said...

In my force they've got rid of lost and found property books at the front desks.
Its now handled by civvies.
Apparently you can no longer lose a bike!
It will be recorded as stolen as the presumption is that it must have been nicked.
Little boy "I've lost my bike mister."
Civvy "No you ain't. Someones pinched it."
Same applies to cars and a list of other stuff that started to bore me and I lost interest.
A bloke tried to report he'd lost his Eagle Owl only to be told that its not classed as property!
Therefore it does'nt get entered into the database.
So says I, to righteous civvy, what happens if Joe Public comes into the nick with the Eagle Owl that has just eaten his pet dog? Do we tell him that he hasn't found it? We can't return it either coz you wouldn't record the losers details!!!

20 March, 2007 16:10

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Police and education have asimilar problem, targets. Wherever targets have been introduced they have ruined the system they were meant to improve. As a teacher, I am in the proces of setting up an e petition on the website of 10 Downing Street with the purpose of abolishing targets from Education. It should appear within the next 10 days. Please look and sign if you agree with it. I would suggest the same be done for the health service. Good luck and thanks.

20 March, 2007 22:19

 
Blogger Big Fella in Blue said...

Bloggs are you sure that ones been abolished, thats what most of the rumours are about in work!!
I know about the three Ps but what about sending an email from a work computer to DCs blog - that could get you into trouble aswell - welcome to the 21st century - big brother is watching.

20 March, 2007 22:58

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good grief - don't you mean Metro-sexuals? (sorry)

Btw, are you saying that the mobiles aren't kept charged and available?

Blimey! So a plebs mates call and y'can't link 'em? Nothing personal - but Duh!

20 March, 2007 23:28

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know Bloggsie, you've missed yet another detection, he obviously is responsible, Red Ken, he's apparently apologised for all that slavery that's been going on and you missed him at it.

21 March, 2007 17:55

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In my day the other 'P' was prostitutes not policewomen

24 March, 2007 14:39

 
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