This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Failing Forces.

Hoorah it is Police League Table time again! I think it is so empowering and motivating to name and shame those forces who are failing each year.

Moreover, I completely agree with Blair about threatening failing forces with privatisation. Will the man's genius never end? What a great legacy he could leave New Labour with, if the police goes the way of the health and education systems.

Read the report for the full lowdown on Britains crappiest police forces. I know it will just horrify my learned readers to hear how Humberside is failing to put in place adequate planning and structural arrangments to minimise the impact of any extraordinary demands on its frontline services, nor is it engaging closely with each community to understand their priorities for action and use problem solving to tackle those issues of local concern. The bastards.

I have been shamed into evaluating my own performance as a police officer, which I would now like to share with you:
  • Reducing Crime: POOR.
    • PC Bloggs has consistently failed to implement a community free from drug and alcohol abuse.
    • She has not shared her responsibility with any other agencies at all.
    • Indeed, it appears that through her use of the telephone and police vehicle to attend people's houses and listen to their complaints, she is actually contributing to the reported level of burglaries and robberies by taking the reports in the first place.
  • Investigating Crime: POOR.
    • PC Bloggs has an unacceptable variation in her Detection rate from one week to the next. This shows she just isn't complying with national standards.
    • She does not prioritise and maximise investigative outcomes. You might even say that she is not sure what an "investigative outcome" is supposed to be.
    • PC Bloggs clearly evidences that she does not utilise her training nor does she have the right skills to wring Detections out of the thinnest of evidence. It is almost as if she does not care about her force's Detection Rate!
  • Promoting Safety: POOR.
    • PC Bloggs shows no indication that she is able to protect vulnerable people such as children or victims of domestic violence from the vagaries of their abusive families.
    • On some occasions, it has been noted that PC Bloggs has been busy in the station waiting for solicitors and writing reports, when she could have been rushing to the aid of a missing child. This is a disgrace.
  • Resource Use: POOR.
    • PC Bloggs has not used her female-ness to best advantage. The only thing you can say in her favour is that at least her shift have someone to attend all the rapes.
    • She has also let down her force by falling sick on several days each year whereby she has struggled into the station only to be sent home again. She must learn not to be ill and the old chestnut of "under-resourced / over-tired" simply will not cut it.
  • Providing Assistance: POOR.
    • PC Bloggs has not planned her year well at all to provide assistance when needed. You could go so far as to think that she does not want to give up all her rest days to sit in a wood in another county on behalf of the Home Office.
    • Far from increasing public confidence in the police use of firearms, PC Bloggs has done the opposite. She has been heard to utter of one colleague, "I can't believe they're giving that mad cock a gun". This is not helpful.
    • Hopefully in the next year PC Bloggs will learn how to best respond to civil contingencies. Learning what a civil contingency is and the importance of it to a Twenty-first Century police officer would be a good start.
  • Citizen Focus: POOR.
    • PC Bloggs is yet to submit her "Quality of Service Commitment", but she has made it apparent the level of service her victims and offenders can expect.
    • These include her shocking disregard for human rights as she repeatedly arrests robbers and burglars on a schoolday.
    • She also frequently "Can't be arsed" to phone eight times a day to keep the mad Mrs Mickleberry updated on her filed criminal damage investigation.
  • Local Policing: POOR.
    • Words cannot express how dire is PC Bloggs' performance in this area. Suffice it to say that far from Policing Locally, she spends 90% of her time in a police station custody block which is not even in her local area at all.
Overall Rating: Zero points.

PC Bloggs is not the Twenty-first Century Police Officer she would have you believe.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright of PC Bloggs.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very very funny, but I expect that in some bosses minds, you're making the figures look bad.
You might have to do a survey so the bosses know where what you have been doing. We have that where i work. A survey for two weeks, that promises will lead to greater resources etc. Still haven't seen anything, been in the job 10 years.

25 October, 2006 04:10

 
Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

Scroatsville Police Force did pretty crap, but then figures can be played to say anything.

Anyway, I am waiting for an email sent out to all saying how good we really are and that the government are lying!

25 October, 2006 08:14

 
Blogger AllBloodyTaken said...

I bet that nice Mr McNulty thinks you are a big fib too just like PC Copperfield is.

25 October, 2006 08:39

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This made me laugh out loud, oh how you mirror the life of many frontline officer in this country. I doubt as has been mentioned that Mr McNUTTY (spelling mistake intended) will be reading this. In case he is, it's not fiction.

I for one don't care what my forces results are. I know it has a large number of dedicated officers of all ranks doing their best for their communities. This is against a backdrop of untold oversupervision and crap dished out from government. This is a government that has no experienced police officers in it, or any policing experience at all for that matter.

They can take their figures over to the shredder because all they will do is give forces false targets to chase - does that improve policing? No it doesn't. I would be surprised if many members of the public were interested either, they just want to see someone dealing with their own matters when they call. This is what is not happening as we chase sanction detections and other such nonsense so that chiefs get their bonuses. Now you know what chiefs always say yes OK to irrelevant government targets instead of NO.

25 October, 2006 10:15

 
Anonymous pascal said...

At least you have room for improvement !

25 October, 2006 10:36

 
Blogger PC South West said...

Very good PC Bloggs, made me laugh lots!
But don't worry too much because Neighbourhood Policing is on it's way to save the day.
You could become a Neighbourhood Beat manager and everything will change. Ideas such as Community Focus and Multi agency approach will drive forward the performance of you and your force (service).
We will investigate crime and robustly bring offenders to justice.
I'm off to be sick now!!

25 October, 2006 11:55

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn't say anything on the Avon & Somerset entry about how they managed to find 11 million pounds that they didn't know they had.
That goes to show how good they are at managing their finances.
Maybe we will get a Christmas bonus.

26 October, 2006 09:31

 
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03 April, 2009 18:34

 

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