Surveillance for Immigrants.

In response to widespread panic at the deadly Bird Flu virus, the government has authorised a massive surveillance operation to monitor migratory birds this autumn. Tony Blair has had to shamefacedly admit in the past that he has "no idea" how many migratory birds are in Britain.

So from now on, swallows, terns, shearwaters and rarer breeds will undergo rigourous checks on entering the country. When they apply for asylum, their clawprints will be taken and they will be assigned a nest in a poor area where their prospects of overthrowing the birds who live here all year round will be minimal. They will not be allowed to perform basic actions necessary for their survival, such as pecking, tweeting or crapping, but will be given government handouts to cover these needs, paid for by sparrows and blackbirds.

The government admits that it will have no way of checking whether these birds have illegally pecked or tweeted, and that there is also the risk of large quantities of illegal migratory birds entering the country through illicit means. The public are therefore being encouraged to report suspicious activity among local foreign birds. The system for any bird caught breaking the rules of its migration is that it will be bagged up, removed to a large centre where its eggs will be taken away from it, and held there indefinitely while countries wrangle over who is to take it in.

The government wants to reassure the public that it has a handle on the situation, and that despite having no clue when or where these birds came from, how many more are due to arrive, and what to do with them once they are here, everything is going to be fine. The government also wants to reiterate that there is no link between the poor treatment of migratory birds in Britain and the increasing number of "bird strike" suicide attacks on aircraft.

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