This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

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Thursday, August 06, 2009

How not to get fired

I have been reading Times Online's account of the tribunal of ex-PC Alison Wheeler, who was apparently fired for incompetence and lack of courage.

I am appalled: I can safely say that Blandshire Constabulary has never fired anyone for anything as trivial as showing a lack of courage. And even officers displaying extreme incompetence from their first day on patrol, throughout and beyond their probationary period, are able to continue policing for as long as they want without anyone saying a word.

There are some sure ways to ensure you get the attention of Blandshire's Professional Standards Department, but cowardice and incompetence are not two of them.

If you do aspire to be dismissed by the force, in the hopes of bringing a lucrative appeal against it, here are some methods you could try:
  • Drug-dealing and prostitution are sure fire winners.
  • Try a gentle bit of waterboarding. The sink in the disabled loo in custody is probably your best bet, and if you leave the door open at the right angle the mirror will reflect your misdemeanour straight into the CCTV camera.
  • Crashing your panda car in a dramatic manner is a definite way of drawing PSD's fire, but do bear in mind if you have a colleague in the passenger seat they may well be dismissed along with you, for failing to tell you to apply the brakes.
  • Sex on duty brings a strong possibility of dismissal, but it's risky: you might get promoted instead.
Of course, the truth is that for most of us the above are far too hardcore. It turns out, it's not that easy to get fired. Here are some methods you might have thought were no-brainers that will certainly NOT work:
  • Operate a police force with less than a safe level of staff, ignoring all pleas from the frontline to increase resources. Then tell the public everything's ok.
  • Show absolute disregard for the rules of evidence and arrest people left, right and centre under the banner of 'risk management'.
  • Spend millions of taxpayer's pounds generating spreadsheets and pie-charts full of utterly worthless information.
  • Lie flagrantly to the locals that crime is falling and their area has never been safer.
  • Foster an atmosphere of bureaucratic jobsworthiness that seeps into everything and everyone until the moral fabric of society has decayed into a sodden mess. Then iron it.

Stay safe out there...

'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.


Blogger Minbu said...


06 August, 2009 15:48

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dress as the village people with your colleagues, and go on patrol, just to see what its like, might work. Otherwise wear a Burka.

06 August, 2009 20:52

Blogger Inspector Leviathan Hobbes said...


07 August, 2009 06:48

Anonymous Dr Melvin T Gray said...

Watch out for the masonic noose, Ellie. To have infringed so much of his copyright will not have pleased Sir Norman Wikidmedia.

07 August, 2009 08:15

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Been a fan for a long time but never commented before. However this is excellent - and unfortunately true to life....keep it up Ellie.

07 August, 2009 08:58

Blogger uniform said...

How can the great England and Wales public have confidence in this type of candor?

07 August, 2009 09:20

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bring in policing pledge including response time for immediate jobs, then place a 20mph cap on all speed limits and drivers except traffic cars. This covers the rural section where a response run can be 20 minutes long without a cap

07 August, 2009 10:51

Anonymous Virtual Supply said...

Whew, I though you were gonna mention the £5,000,000 we spent in procurement that we have no trace of what-so-ever, or the three tonnes of uniforms we purchased only to scrap or the amount of fuel we issued but never used last year. Safe for another year, Roll on March and I can renew for another five years.

07 August, 2009 12:29

Anonymous TheBinarySurfer said...

How about the £22m this year alone paid out nationwide this year to "management consultants".

Whenever i think of our local Chief Constable and performance stats, i can't help but think of that Faulty Towers episode where they keep going "Do not mention the war"...

08 August, 2009 19:31

Anonymous TheBinarySurfer said...

Uniform - barn, horse, door, too late :)

08 August, 2009 19:32

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Police positions are retained by spotlessly honest incumbents who never engage in card fraud, drug dealing, graft or other criminal activity.

Police positions are also retained by criminals who are not caught, or in the case of those who are, by finding the means to secure a CPS decision not to proceed or in default, an acquittal.

Police positions may be retained in desperate circumstances by 'phoning a friend with a reputation for losing evidence or with contacts in the Met for wet jobs.

11 August, 2009 19:35

Blogger uniform said...

What's the weather like in Huddersfield?

"Nurse he's bin o't a gen ta Aldi"

61/2 / 10 for this see me for extra prep !

11 August, 2009 20:01

Blogger staghounds said...

I have a remedy for the "lack of courage" problem.

ALL police officers, of EVERY rank, to spend one shift per week in uniform, on patrol, in the worst crime statistics part of the officer's jurisdiction.

For choice, Saturday night since most office bound seniors work week days and that wouldn't disrupt their critical management activities.

The shift could even be an extra- overtime!

With the same arrest stats expected of them, pro rated, as for any patrol Constable of, say, 5 years seniority.

That way, probationers can learn from the courage their seniors use in hand to hand battle.

That's snark, but the suggestion is a serious one. Easy to implement and actually useful from both directions.

Harder for the seniors to ignore reality if they have to deal with it every week at 3 A. M.

More difficult for the juniors to say "out of touch" about a chief superintendent with a broken jaw.

On a personal note, since she went to Trinity, I wonder if Miss Wheeler was in the box of joy that day?

12 August, 2009 12:51


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