Part One of My Minister's Guide

After a long absence, it is time to welcome the return of my Twenty-First Century Guide to Policing. Today, I am looking at the job of Police Minister. To the outsider, it might seem like a pretty tough role, to balance the needs of communities, the economy and businesses against the personal needs of police officers. In fact, an idiot could do it, if you just follow my ten golden rules:

1. Make sure you develop a strong background in political science, political theory, and railways.
2. The police need a solid figure who will keep his role no matter how much he cocks up, so don't be afraid to abandon all your beliefs in favour of kissing butt.
3. Once you've decided what you stand for, say anything to promote it. You are the Minister for Police, so if you need to back-track later, no one will remember what you said.
4. Stay out of thorny issues like police pay. That is not a matter for the Police Minister to be concerned with.
5. Make sure to dispense expert advice on front-line police matters.
6. It is not wrong to spread terror and dread if in your heart of hearts you know Gordon Brown is right.
7. There's no point spending money on things that help the police do their job better, because the savings won't be seen until the next government is in.
   
8. Never be afraid to attack the Opposition for expounding ideas you said you once promoted.
9. No matter how rubbish you are, you will never be fired, because no one actually knows who you are or what you do.
   
10. Never forget that police officers ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. You are only doing your job properly if they all hate you.

PS I apologise for the rather spiteful tone of this post. I promise to revert soon to the more important matter of Gadget's hair.

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'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in all good bookstores and online.