This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Sunday, June 22, 2008

Part One of My Minister's Guide

After a long absence, it is time to welcome the return of my Twenty-First Century Guide to Policing. Today, I am looking at the job of Police Minister. To the outsider, it might seem like a pretty tough role, to balance the needs of communities, the economy and businesses against the personal needs of police officers. In fact, an idiot could do it, if you just follow my ten golden rules:
  1. Make sure you develop a strong background in political science, political theory, and railways.
  2. The police need a solid figure who will keep his role no matter how much he cocks up, so don't be afraid to abandon all your beliefs in favour of kissing butt.
  3. Once you've decided what you stand for, say anything to promote it. You are the Minister for Police, so if you need to back-track later, no one will remember what you said.
  4. Stay out of thorny issues like police pay. That is not a matter for the Police Minister to be concerned with.
  5. Make sure to dispense expert advice on front-line police matters.
  6. It is not wrong to spread terror and dread if in your heart of hearts you know Gordon Brown is right.
  7. There's no point spending money on things that help the police do their job better, because the savings won't be seen until the next government is in.
  8. Never be afraid to attack the Opposition for expounding ideas you said you once promoted.
  9. No matter how rubbish you are, you will never be fired, because no one actually knows who you are or what you do.
  10. Never forget that police officers ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. You are only doing your job properly if they all hate you.

PS I apologise for the rather spiteful tone of this post. I promise to revert soon to the more important matter of Gadget's hair.

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'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in all good bookstores and online.

25 Comments:

Blogger Unresponsive said...

The Peter Principle is alive and well! Sadly for us, it means we are at the mercy of the idiots...

23 June, 2008 06:59

 
Anonymous Dr Melvin T Gray said...

OFF TOPIC:
I draw attention to fraudulent postings on coppersblog by the author(s). A presently unknown proportion of postings are neither from serving police nor public. Inventions placed on the blog by the author(s)may be falsely attributed to specific senders.

Citizens of the UK must never countenance dishonesty in police officers. Any reader with experience or personal knowledge of fabricated reports on the blog should email melvin.grayconcern4justice@btinternet.com

23 June, 2008 08:18

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mcnutty is a huge joke. A picture of him is on a dart doard on our nick wall, as is 6 pictures of other new labour types in the pockets of the snooker table. I know as I see the PCSOs using them as I head to the DVU office with yet another report in to two people having a row over whos turn it is to empty the cat litter.

Now Dr Melvin T Gray am I a copper, civvy or highly paid internet spammer

23 June, 2008 08:35

 
Anonymous Dr Melvin T Gray said...

Dear 08.35,
I can offer no assistance. Consider a visit to the nearest police station and reporting yourself 'lost'.

23 June, 2008 09:48

 
Blogger uniform said...

Citizens of the UK must never countenance dishonesty in politicians.

But we do...

Commons expenses.

MEPS expenses.

Cash for questions.

Cash for honours,

Sexual indiscretions, ad nausea.

Agreeing to a pay dispute review, and then piddling all over it for short term political survival.

Mortgage applications from ministers of the crown that would have at least meant a police interview.

Being lectured at by, come day go day, town hall standard politicians, it’s a right laugh.

23 June, 2008 09:51

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

.. or even ".. ad nauseum.." as well, eh, Uniform.?

If you have reasonable grounds to suspect that these MPs are committing these crimes, then jolly well go and arrest them!

The law, that you have sworn to uphold, expects it of you.

23 June, 2008 10:05

 
Blogger uniform said...

Eh? Keep up anon, some of them have

Others, well, I'll just use my discretion.

It's a power we have you know.

23 June, 2008 10:18

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Really? I thought that all discretionary powers had been removed from police officers. That is one of the most repeated complaints on these blogs.

So, you don't arrest MPs because you are exercising your powers of discretion eh?

Yada yada yada...I know, you have a sixth sense... because you lack the other five?

And to be quite frank, the thought of a bumbling oaf like you, having the strength of his convictions and actually taking the initiative and arresting an MP whom he honestly thought to be guilty of breaking the law....is surreal.

Which is stronger in you uniform ? "Discretion" or self-preservation?

23 June, 2008 11:30

 
Blogger uniform said...

Which is stronger in you uniform ? "Discretion" or self-preservation?

You appear to be having a Yoda moment.

Small and green with an annoying voice.

23 June, 2008 12:15

 
Anonymous Dr Graham T Melville said...

I'd like to complain that I'm being impersonated.

23 June, 2008 15:20

 
Anonymous Dr Grenville T Mayhem said...

Me too.

23 June, 2008 15:20

 
Blogger PC Bloggs said...

Somewhat fitting that a post about McNulty produced some rather petty squabbling. If you want to have childish tit-for-tats, please email each other direct and don't use my blog as your forum or moderation will be turned on until you go away.

23 June, 2008 17:45

 
Anonymous Dave said...

No our Government has disproved the Peter Principle. People can be promoted two levels above their capabilities

23 June, 2008 18:27

 
Anonymous XTP said...

Thanks Ellie. This "uniform" & "anon" thing was getting right on my you-know-whats!

23 June, 2008 19:32

 
Blogger uniform said...

anon , sorry but i as bin banned from givin you a good slappin , it sit cos i am black ?

24 June, 2008 22:51

 
Anonymous concerned said...

Uniform I don't like the overtly racist tones of your post.

PC Bloggs, by having it on your site do you endorse this behaviour?

25 June, 2008 15:59

 
Anonymous Arbeit macht frei said...

Concerned

Aren’t you on the wrong post?

The newest post is about politically correct racism and the invidious way it undermines decent people.

Far worse than crying racism ,when there is none, is being a charlatan.

25 June, 2008 16:35

 
Anonymous concerned said...

I don't much like your tone either.

And it's not invidious at all. It's equality. Got a problem with that?

25 June, 2008 16:44

 
Anonymous dr melvin t gray said...

hang on ,since the tinternet is blind , who knows what anyone is ?

25 June, 2008 16:53

 
Blogger uniform said...

Arbiet, dr

Leave it; I’m not rising to its attempt to embarrass police blogs with divisive tactics

It will go away if you ignore it.

25 June, 2008 16:58

 
Anonymous concerned said...

don't try to back peddle on your racist remarks now.

Were you drunk or something when you wrote it?

Not that that is any defence

25 June, 2008 17:08

 
Blogger Henry Crun said...

PC Bloggs, you forgot the most important qualification of all:

must be member of ethnic minority.

26 June, 2008 12:18

 
Anonymous Mac said...

I think the 'peter principle' applies to the whole cabinet. My (layman's) interest in politics goes back a couple of decades now purely by dint of age, and completely regardless of whether I agreed with any previous encumbents or not, I can't remember ever seeing a cabinet so completely lacking in any 'presence'. The fact that McNumpty doesn't even hold a cabinet post just shows how bad he really is. (How bad would you need to be for Jaqui Smith to be keeping you out of a job??)

27 June, 2008 18:42

 
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