Station Stereotypes: The "Crap" Officer

Lorraine has been a police officer for twenty odd years. Very odd years. She's had her babies, she's done her time "on response". Which all elevates her to the grand status of being able to do my sergeant's job for him.

Lorraine is no longer expected to hold her teacup AND her helmet at the same time.




We have a whole department in Blandshire Constabulary devoted to sending police officers to incidents where police officers should not be sent. This, the Crap Department, otherwise known as Victim Quality Service, is Lorraine's land. In the World of Crap, there are no detections. There are no arrest targets. There are no victims, no offenders, even. There are only parking disputes and dangerous dogs. Antisocial streetlights and children playing in play areas. Pre-teen siblings squabbling over biscuits.



"You're under arrest."





It used to be the job of the duty sergeant to vet applicants to Quality Service and paper-sift the very worst. Persistance would earn some applicants a telephone interview, others would merely be told they hadn't made the grade and would have to re-train before earning a visit from a police officer.

Now, however, this duty falls to Lorraine. Her only target is to send a police officer to each incident before the inspector has discovered its existence. Or worse still, the AUDITORS.

Lorraine doesn't really care how many other jobs the response officers have, or the fact that there are oustanding emergencies that have not been attended. Lorraine used to be a response officer in the 1980s, which means she knows the "games we play" to avoid work. She is allowed to give us five jobs a shift, and woe betide the officer who dithers around arresting criminals or assisting colleagues instead of rushing to inspect the scratch on eight-year-old Ryan's cheek, caused by seven-year-old Chardonnay.

My sergeant is grateful for Lorraine's presence. He spends a large part of the day fielding calls from her asking him why his officers have been working all day instead of attending her jobs. He is grateful, because without Lorraine, he would be unable to evidence his competence at managing conflict with colleagues. Every phone-call is an entry in his Performance Development Review.

It isn't Lorraine's fault. Somebody in Blandshire Constabulary pays her to do my sergeant's job for him and you can't blame her for taking the money.

How, how did we come to this?

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