This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Station Stereotypes: The "Crap" Officer

Lorraine has been a police officer for twenty odd years. Very odd years. She's had her babies, she's done her time "on response". Which all elevates her to the grand status of being able to do my sergeant's job for him.




Lorraine is no longer expected to hold her teacup AND her helmet at the same time.





We have a whole department in Blandshire Constabulary devoted to sending police officers to incidents where police officers should not be sent. This, the Crap Department, otherwise known as Victim Quality Service, is Lorraine's land. In the World of Crap, there are no detections. There are no arrest targets. There are no victims, no offenders, even. There are only parking disputes and dangerous dogs. Antisocial streetlights and children playing in play areas. Pre-teen siblings squabbling over biscuits.



"You're under arrest."





It used to be the job of the duty sergeant to vet applicants to Quality Service and paper-sift the very worst. Persistance would earn some applicants a telephone interview, others would merely be told they hadn't made the grade and would have to re-train before earning a visit from a police officer.

Now, however, this duty falls to Lorraine. Her only target is to send a police officer to each incident before the inspector has discovered its existence. Or worse still, the AUDITORS.

Lorraine doesn't really care how many other jobs the response officers have, or the fact that there are oustanding emergencies that have not been attended. Lorraine used to be a response officer in the 1980s, which means she knows the "games we play" to avoid work. She is allowed to give us five jobs a shift, and woe betide the officer who dithers around arresting criminals or assisting colleagues instead of rushing to inspect the scratch on eight-year-old Ryan's cheek, caused by seven-year-old Chardonnay.

My sergeant is grateful for Lorraine's presence. He spends a large part of the day fielding calls from her asking him why his officers have been working all day instead of attending her jobs. He is grateful, because without Lorraine, he would be unable to evidence his competence at managing conflict with colleagues. Every phone-call is an entry in his Performance Development Review.

It isn't Lorraine's fault. Somebody in Blandshire Constabulary pays her to do my sergeant's job for him and you can't blame her for taking the money.

How, how did we come to this?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright of PC Bloggs.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

We have a squad like this - making appointments for others to keep!!

Why no-one has told your Lorraine to get of her arse and go to the front desk, get these people in and fix up some statements I do not know.

Me, I would get the public to parade on like at a doctors surgery - and those that are too lame or non-confrontation could deal with these sorts of incidents at the nick - and leave the response to fight crime.

The added benefit is when people are asked to come into the nick - they suddenly can't be bothered as they might miss another exciting instalment of "jeremy kyle"...

As for the auditors - don't get me b****y started...
We are supposed to have discretion to deal with minor crimes by advice, NCRS says crimes have to be recorded and yet there is no code for "detected and offender street bollocked"!!!!

Ricky G

02 October, 2007 20:55

 
Anonymous Noggsy said...

It's funny Bloggsy, most of what you post I can identify with 100%, but this CRAP dept, which you mentioned in the book, does the opposite in my nick. It actually weeds out the crap (to a certain extent) and then PCSOs and neighbourhood officers deal with the rest. They are allocated the tasks via their Sgt's.

Our response bobbies don't get any of the rubbish workload (they just go to 4 day old domestics). It seems to work ok as well.

03 October, 2007 00:20

 
Blogger alanorei said...

PC Bloggs asked:

How, how did we come to this?

This article about the NHS may provide a clue, p 5.

http://thewestminsternews.co.uk/
twn7.pdf

It's all about new management initiatives that only cause disruption. If the article is correct, managers and administrators in the NHS now outnumber medical staff by 3:1.

If an equivalent trend is emerging in the police, then similar disruption must follow.

03 October, 2007 12:54

 
Anonymous xoggoth said...

Not sure that police dealing with some of this trivia is always a bad thing, because relatively minor incidents repeated over very long periods can prove more stressful to a victim than a single more serious incident.

What is really needed is a better system to streamline reporting to establish the pattern. Pretty daft phoning up over a next door neigbour damaging your car, giving his name and address and still being asked for a full description including racial group as though he is going to need tracking down by Interpol.

No need for all this victim support stuff to be sent either.

03 October, 2007 17:34

 
Anonymous Inspector Gadget said...

Send her down to me - I'll kick her lazy arse back on the streets for you - we don't have a "crap car" because all the jobs are crap in Ruralshire (when we are not chasing lost sheep that is...)

03 October, 2007 20:46

 
Blogger Charlie Lima said...

Oh I meant to say that mug and helmet looked familiar, did it say operation Zenith on that mug before you blanked it out? ;)

- Charlie Lima

10 October, 2007 19:35

 
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