This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

By Gordon!

Our new Prime Minister is a GENIUS!

Apart from single-handedly coming up with some super tax reforms, this is also the man who gave us "hand-held computers" to keep the police on the streets. This brand new concept will revolutionise the work we do.

Instead of having to come back to the police station to fill in forms - which apparently we do now - we can park up in a quiet location and fill out the forms at the roadside. This will obviously cause us to attend far more incidents and capture a lot more criminals. What's more, there will be no need to get rid of any of the forms, because we will be able to fill them out as we walk or drive along.

I am looking forwards to the chance to claim my detections from the roadside and expect to see my performance figures shoot up as a result.

What a relief that Gordon Brown is there to tell us police how to spend our money and what new technology we need to do our jobs. Perhaps in future he can hold my Chief Constable's hand as he climbs into his bath, and scrub his back while he's in there.

Copyright of PC Bloggs.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This will never work unless you park up in the middle of nowhere. If I park up for 5 mins in my panda car where any mops are present they descend on you wishing to report that their darling daughter has been called a slag via text message from an unidentified number etc etc. How on earth do they expect you concentrate on collating government stats accurately with all these distractions. I prefer to do my paperwork where I feel the most at home ie the nick !!!

12 October, 2007 01:19

Anonymous Joe.P said...

Clearly an opportunity for you ladies to shine with your multi-tasking superpowers.

12 October, 2007 05:50

Anonymous Anonymous said...

We have Blackberrys ... well our bosses do - the troops don't (cost you see).

12 October, 2007 07:59

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's all very well these in car electronics. Sat parked up doing the computerwork.
But will they give us kettles for the panda cars..

Ricky G

12 October, 2007 08:00

Blogger 21st Century Copper said...

yep, handheld computers - spot on, they'll be just the job in the rain. Handwriting recognition for statement taking - cracking. Maybe not, maybe just abbreviated txt-spk. Reminds me of the story about the US developing the space pen that writes in freezing conditions, upside down, in a vacuum, all at the bargain price of a few million $s.
The Russians used pencils.
Can't wait...

12 October, 2007 10:27

Blogger Metcountymounty said...

I'd be happier with a decent car that carries the kit and people comfortably and effectively instead of "first for purpose" slow small family cars, a water fountain that has clean cold water without taking a trip to the SMT floor, and to be left alone to deal with what I find instead of what the SMT need to catch up on for their bonuses.

12 October, 2007 13:53

Blogger alanorei said...

Didn't PC Dixon of Dock Green spend almost all his work time out on the beat?

I think his only hand-held devices were a police truncheon and handcuffs.

Could be worth a modest 'pilot scheme.'

12 October, 2007 16:01

Anonymous Inspector Gadget said...

We tried these in Ruralshire in 2003 and they were.... shite! they don't work, there's no bloody signal and the power supply keeps failing.

12 October, 2007 16:17

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll go with MetCountyMounty. I'd rather flit back to the station to fill in my forms in something that I can fit in rather than a diesel Corsa/Fiesta that barely fits me in, let alone even more bought-to-budget, not fit for purpose machinery.

Hell, we still use a computer system that was made in the 80's and we are replacing it with a self programmed database that is totally useless. I can get nothing done equally using a rubbish computer system in the office or in the car.

12 October, 2007 19:33

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This idea is brought to you by the same people who suggested, somew years ago, that ALL Police officers should:
a. Learn touch typing so they can complete their reports quicker and thus return to the streets sooner;
b. Take classes in verbal articulation and diction to provide a much better image when giving evidence in court;
c. Learn sign language so they can more easily communicate with those members of the community who are hearing impaired when they become involved in their investigations (in my case, once in 27 years).
It is rumoured that future equipment upodates will include static balloons so officers are better able to look for stolen cars;
Flashing lights on the end of the ASPS/night sicks, etc, so the officers can be aware of where, exactly, they are striking the officer;
Mini microwave ovens and a supply of pasties in case those arrested haven't eaten for 8 hours and the can be questioned immediately without going against the relevant part of PACE.
However, you may be aware of other planned projects which haven't been mentioned (yet).

13 October, 2007 14:41

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, that bit about the flashing ASPS should refer to the offender, not the officer (though I did know some who could have done with a thumping now and again.

13 October, 2007 14:42

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