This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

If wishes were...

It is night. The hours are melting away as quickly as butter in the fridge. It is one of those nights when you long for someone to be raped, stabbed or run over just to give you something to do.

Then, it happens.

"Victor-Charlie-2-1-2, PC Bloggs, are you receiving?"

I awake to find myself at a give way sign with the handbrake off. I have no idea how long I have been there and there is a patient queue of one car behind me who no doubt thinks I am guarding the scene of something lethal up ahead.

"Er... go ahead, control."

"Thank you 2-1-2, could you possibly take a drive down Blandmore Ring Road - our caller is reporting some loose horses."

It is a good year since my last Loose Horse Incident (or LHI as we Blandmoreans call them) so I therefore welcome the news as one of those novelty situations you video on your cameraphone and show around the nick for weeks on end. My request to Stores for some emergency packets of Polos and a lasso having been declined last year, I trundle down the Ring Road with no specialised equipment whatsoever, mentally running through possible local fields I might herd the animals into.

The controller elaborates on the unfolding situation, "The offenders are described as large, brown and white, possibly members of the travelling fraternity. Direction of travel is into the town centre at this time."

I spot the suspects causing criminal damage to the Council's daffodils and get out of my car. There is a stand-off which lasts a good second, before they scatter and vanish into the alleys of the Porle estate. Before long the whole shift are down and a containment set up, and we are finally guided in by CCTV to the beasts, cornered outside McDonalds. I master a technique which involves tricking each one into thinking I have food, whereupon two of the guys charge from behind and chase it into the back yard of The White Hart.

At last all five are detained and a note is left for the licensee. We troop to the nearest coffee-dispensing establishment for a well-earned cuppa and rejoice in our successful mission.

The night has been a rarity: I have spent two full hours whole-heartedly serving my community and my pen has not even broken sweat.


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Copyright of PC Bloggs.
(Coming soon: the Tale of the Wandering Snake.)

13 Comments:

Anonymous Joe. P said...

I am curious to know what you wrote in the note to the licensee.

"Please accept this gift from Blandshire's finest. They are all hard working and will serve you well."

21 February, 2007 00:57

 
Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

A very well earned brew. I enjoy the Loose Sheep Incidents (LSIs) as the shift can have a good laugh at hearing the sound of sheep over the air

21 February, 2007 11:28

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha how ironic, I had an LHI yesterday caused a lot of mirth when my probationer called up over the air for a description and got the reply large animal leg at each corner and a tail

21 February, 2007 11:41

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of my collegues had a POLAC with a sheep, served him right for leaving the city.

21 February, 2007 16:15

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of my collegues had a POLAC with a sheep, serves him right for leaving the city.

21 February, 2007 16:16

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a technique which usually works with our travelling friends' horses - a blast of the wailer and 360's does the job. It's good to see them galloping away back in to the field they came from.

21 February, 2007 18:04

 
Anonymous Inspector Gadget said...

Loose horses do NOT like PAVA, in fact, no horses like PAVA. You only need to use 1g - trust me, they will gallop away and not stop 'till sunrise.

21 February, 2007 21:01

 
Blogger totallyun-pc said...

was that your MANE call of the night? HOOF found the horses first? was it unBRIDLEd joy when they were rescued?

yeah yeah.... its feckin nights!

21 February, 2007 23:14

 
Blogger staghounds said...

"Loose"? Surely the time has passed when our so called authorities passed judgement on the lifestyles of our citizens. The horses' choice of frequency of companionship is certainly no grounds for using such outmoded terms. What next, "easy" pheasants?

Report for sensitivity retraining Monday.

25 February, 2007 13:19

 
Blogger staghounds said...

"Loose"? Surely the time has passed when our so called authorities passed judgement on the lifestyles of our citizens. The horses' choice of frequency of companionship is certainly no grounds for using such outmoded terms. What next, "easy" pheasants?

Report for sensitivity retraining Monday.

25 February, 2007 13:20

 
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