This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

My Parting Shot

I missed out on events at the start of May, think I was in Crown Court or something that week (although that usually means I am glued to my computer playing games to while away the hours spent waiting). Anyway, apparently PC Pinkstone departed his force with some kind apocalyptic email to senior ranks. He now continues blogging from abroad, where he can't vote for two years.

I once discussed with a colleague how we'd "go out" if we ever quit the job. The words, "piece of my mind" and "blaze of glory" were mentioned. In reality, if things ever came to that, I think silence would be about all I could muster up.

Of course, it's fun to fantasise about what one would say in one's parting All-User Email. I think mine would read as follows:

"Dear All,

Well I'm off to pastures new and thought I'd spend a moment to tell you all just exactly what I think of this organisation and its vast array of well-meaning bureaucrats.

I must say golly what a terrific bunch you are! Daily I am staggered by the PROFESSIONALISM, INTEGRITY and gosh-darned-old-fashioned-jolly-roger-stiff-upper-double-jointedness of you people. This week I have seen no fewer than FIVE examples of criminal-busting supercops bringing fiends to justice left, right and centre. The public feel SAFE, victims are PROTECTED. Well done!

There is a downside, of course. Sadly as I departed I met a colleague who didn't buy into the importance of the Victim's CHARTER, respect for diversity, or slavishness to domestic violence policy. Folks, this just isn't good enough. You must do better.

A big fat choccie bar to the first officer to email me in Canada saying he's locked up an auto-crime offender.

Toodle pip.

Harsh words I know, but people need to be motivated, and that's how my Area Commander does it.

'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.


Anonymous Retired Sgt said...

When I went I just said a "Thank you " to everyone I had worked with.This included all the 2 faced individuals who had tried to stab me in the back-and boy did that unsettle them!!!!
If I was retiring now I would send a white feather to nearly all the Chief Constables and CPS in the land

13 June, 2009 14:13

Blogger uniform said...

Weeks before do this

1.Join a gun club

2.Subscribe to Gun weekly, leave it in your work rack with red circles around assault rifles.

3.Stare at everyone , more than is comfortable for Brits.

4.Develop OCD

5.Write your crime notes in the style of Gunter Grass, leaning in particular on the poo chapter from The Flounder.

6.Volunteer to do activity analysis , just you , because you believed in it.

6 should do it

13 June, 2009 19:27

Anonymous Dr Melvin T Gray said...

The dignity of a classy resignation is far more satisfying and leaves a lasting impression. The added bonus is the last minute attempt to bribe you to stay and your new option of accepting it or skewering the Boss with a contemptuous look.

I would not wish to confuse anyone with the ambiguous message of a white feather, Retired Sgt and some CC's are not worth a second class stamp.

13 June, 2009 19:47

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The added bonus is the last minute attempt to bribe you to stay"

Er, not in the police, Dr Mel. No one gives a damn when if we resign, and there's no "class" to it either.

13 June, 2009 22:01

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anon above @22:01. You just never know, as truth is often stranger than fiction. There may be the very rare case where a gem of a copper, of high rank, resigns because of an outrageously unacceptable situation. The "bosses" having suddenly realised just what they were going to miss, may well resort to some sort of "bribery" to keep a good leader, knowing that "quality" is a bit thin on the ground these days.

I agree with Dr Mel, that a white feather is a bit of an ambiguous message. In some circles, the finding of a white feather is a sign that one is being looked after by an Angel. I found one myself, unexpectedly, in my home, during a time of extreme difficulty a few years ago. I know that I am not a coward, and that I have been "looked after", because I have faith in the higher spiritual forces of good.

14 June, 2009 00:56

Blogger WeePeeCee said...

Someone on my team has done 4 out of the 6 in uniform's list.
I was worried already...

14 June, 2009 01:00

Anonymous Anonymous said...

After a colleague, who had retired a few weeks before me, sent a similar email to the Chief and Div Supts, those sods in the IT Dept adjusted whatever they needed to adjust to prevent the Chief being upset by such missives. On my last day, I had a walk around the town and instead of reporting people for offences, or issuing FPNs I offered the opportunity of writing out 100 lines, such as "I will only use a handsfree phone when driving a motor vehicle" or "I promise never to drop litter in a public place again" and gave them an envelope addressed to the Div Ch Supt. Apparently out of the 12 I stopped, 11 of them complied and it was a suprised SMT who received these examples of summary justice. It even made the local paper.

14 June, 2009 22:48

Blogger DOT said...

Blessed serendipity: I just heard PC Bloggs on the radio this morning - thinking I need to replay this as I need a few details of police procedure for my novel and this seems particularly well researched, and believing it was a pleasant piece of fiction - and blow my cotton undies to pieces, you live and breath!

I shall be stalking you via RSS. (Isn't stalking an unpleasant word, read as following.)

15 June, 2009 16:15

Anonymous Fee said...

Plodnomore @22:48

That is sheer class.

Me, I'm determined to get drunk at lunchtime and then throw up on the CEO's office carpet. Just for giggles.

15 June, 2009 18:55

Anonymous Hibbo said...

Anon 00:56 - I have been "looked after", because I have faith in the higher spiritual forces of good.


I fancied going out with a bang when I left the forces, I had was preparing a nice 'dossier' to send to the press, but was told in no uncertain terms that all sorts of ridiculous 'crimes' were available to stick on me (official secrets act etc). In the end I bottled it, because I had a good job lined up and didn't want to let them screw it up. I just bore people in pubs with my war stories now...

16 June, 2009 07:07

Anonymous Dr Melvin T Gray said...

I can fully support the deletion of obscenity, libel or offensive comment. However, the deletion of my fair right to reply, constituting no more than the short explanatory response to Lawyer type above, is as difficult to justify as it is easy to equate to the police blog equivalent of taser abuse.

Was it not you, Ellie, professing to support and admire free expression and openness with the public?

If it be the case that fair and just comments embarrass a personal agenda sculpted for approval by Radio 4 producers, please qualify your version of openness with the public if it is something other than hypocrisy.

23 June, 2009 20:37

Anonymous Anonymous said...

HIBBO - and in the end you "bottled it". No loss to the forces then were you? Guess what Hibbo, you bore the arse of police bloggers too, you sad git. Why don't you go and blog on the forces blogs instead of leaving your pointless waffle on cops blogs? Won't the forces blogs have anything to do with you Hibbo?

And why you should be so arrogant to assume that someone who has faith in higher spiritual forces, is a "weirdo", indicates what a narrow minded moronic little bigot you are.

24 June, 2009 01:12


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