The Public Disservices

I'm often being told, usually on a Friday or Saturday night in Blandmore town centre, that I am a PUBLIC SERVICE. Believe it or not, it is often hard to explain to my customers on said Friday or Saturday night, that "public" refers to society as a whole and not to each and every person's crazy requests.

No matter how drunk I have become, I cannot remember ever spending every last penny on alcohol, losing my wallet and phone, having no money at home to pay a taxi, not knowing a single friend to call, not having arranged any way to get home, and ending up sitting on the pavement at the feet of some irritated police officers begging them for a lift. Occasionally I take pity on some of these wretches at the end of the night, but only if they haven't vomited on my boots whilst waiting.

As the public expects more and more from their public services, Health & Safety and force policies are giving them less and less. Here are some things I am now advised NOT to do for the public, some more shocking than others:

• Take people home who are injured/ill/paralytic. If they later die at home, it's my fault. It's also my fault if I leave them where they are and they die in the street.
• Chase crooks into dangerous positions. if they fall off somewhere and die with me chasing them, it's my fault. If I fall off and die, it's my fault.
• Force someone to have medical attention.
• Fail to force someone to have medical attention.
• Physical contact with victims of crime. No matter how much you need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold or an arm supporting you, I'm allowed to taser you if you try.*
  
• If someone looks a bit unsanitary, it is acceptable not to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

This last one is genuinely true and is the latest First Aid guidance for paramedics and police (unless any passing paramedics would like to correct me). However, there are times when I think people have a right to expect basics from their public services, including:

• The NHS to treat badly-injured rape victims, no matter how grubby they may be.
• Social Services to care for children whose parents abandon them, no matter how inconvenient.
• The police to make sure victims of a violent crime get home ok.
  

There are a lot of policies that get us into and out of such situations, but ultimately it comes down to good old-fashioned commonsense. If I'm not happy doing nothing, the chances are I should be doing something.

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'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in all good bookstores and online.

* This is an exaggeration. I would in fact have to get an Armed Response Vehicle out to administer the taser.